Image from Louise & Joe’s real wedding by The Fennells
To involve your other half’s parents means to have two extra pairs of hands to help with the wedding planning. It also means a little bit of a break with tradition. In the days of yore, it was the bride’s family who paid for the wedding. The groom’s family usually paid for the flowers and the honeymoon. And that was that, ladies and gents. If you had a daughter, you had to start a wedding fund pretty much as soon as she was born. Paying for the wedding gave mother of the bride all the planning clout too, especially with the guest list.
Could this be the lingering reason the bride’s family is still more prominent at today’s weddings? And, most stores still call the relevant fashion section ‘mother of the bride’? Doesn’t the other mother deserve to look smashing too?
Don’t worry, this isn’t going to be a deep scientific quest for an answer. It just seems, with all the changes in the world of weddings, both sets of parents are finally due their share of attention. After all, they’re responsible for both of you being there, and that’s a pretty essential part of the whole thing. And, think about it – now, it’s the couples who do most of the planning, guest-list writing, and paying, so parents are on a more equal footing. Here are a few practical points on how to involve your other half’s parents in the planning. Pick your favourites!
Above, image from Marie-Michelle & Barry’s real wedding by Paul Kelly | Studio 3
Ask how they’d like to contribute
Don’t waste time wondering which parts of the to-do list you could give them – just ask straight up. It may turn out they have some hidden talents you didn’t expect, or know some brilliant suppliers. The earlier you ask the better. Some of the things they could help with: rehearsal dinner, being designated contacts for suppliers, help with out-of-town guests, and going to wedding shows or venue viewings with you.
Or, ask for their advice
What if you really don’t have anything to delegate, and everything’s under control? Ask your in-laws for advice and opinion. You may not take it all, but they may surprise you with a perfect solution to a conundrum or two.
Organise parent time
The parents should all meet – that’s a given. But not just once or twice – if time allows, make it a regular thing. If it takes a year on average to plan a wedding, then a few lunches and shopping trips would ideally happen. It’s fantastic if the parents get along, then they can take over organising the hanging out themselves. But, to get to that stage, they may need a little push from you. Of course, your wedding will likely be the top discussion topic – and that automatically makes the in-laws feel included. Win!
Take mam-in-law dress shopping
It doesn’t have to be your wedding gown, if you’d like to keep that one a secret until the wedding day. Ask her to accompany you for bridesmaid or flowergirl dress shopping, or for gifts, accessories, and shoes. What if she isn’t a shopping type? No problem – put your feet up together and have a research sesh online.
Above, image from Fionnuala & Ciarán’s real wedding by Kathy Silke Photography
Pamper possibilities
It would be wonderful if you could have some girl-only time together with the mams. We know a spa day for three people isn’t a priority when you’re saving money and watching your wedding budget, but that’s what those Groupon and DealRush websites are for! Get yourself a sweet deal and spend a lovely day with the two mams. It’s as much a gift for yourself as it is for them.
Mother outfits
Obviously, you don’t want any wardrobe clashes between the two sets of parents, especially the mams. Ask your future in-laws about their fashion plans, and then pass it all on to your own mam. Let the parents sort it out between themselves – the important thing is that you asked and took interest.
Guest list
Nothing makes future in-laws feel more left out than being assigned a minimal amount of spaces on the guest list. You know, this kind of math – in a wedding for 100, they get to invite 10 people. There’s an easy solution – first, ask your other half to casually inspect the situation. Are they planning on inviting everyone they know, or just a chosen few? It’ll at least give you an idea of their expectations. Then, balance it out with your own people, and give them an approximate number to work with. You won’t be sending the invitations until six to eight weeks before the wedding, so the sooner you ask this, the better.
Reception seating
There are two opinions on this subject. Some say it’s best if both sets of parents sit at the same table, or at the top table. Others say parents like to ‘host’ their own tables. The answer depends entirely on you. We’ve covered all your options in our top table dilemmas article, it may be worth giving it a quick read. But it definitely won’t look right for the bride’s family to sit at the top table, and the groom’s relegated somewhere else. Ask both parents what they think about sitting together or separately, and then proceed from there.
Above, image from Louise & Joe’s real wedding by The Fennells
Find out their favourite tunes
Like all couples, your future in-laws have songs they love. Finding out what it is and playing it at the wedding will be a lovely way to involve your other half’s parents. If the song (or songs) are not suitable for dancing, they can be played at another point during the day as accompaniment. If they are going to be part of the DJ’s dancefloor set, perhaps the DJ could announce that this is the favourite song of Mr and Mrs Other Half?
Wedding day makeup
Find out how future mam-in-law is planning on getting her hair and makeup done on the day itself. Would it be possible to include her in the professional round in the morning, if the time and budget allows? If yes, ask her if she’d like to join you and the girls in getting ready, and arrange a proper schedule to make sure you don’t run out of time.
Doing a reading or unity ceremony
You don’t often see parents-in-law doing readings at wedding ceremonies – but why not? It may just be the perfect option to involve your other half’s parents. They don’t have to memorise anything, or be entertaining – just rock up to the podium and wow everyone with whatever piece you have chosen. Alternatively, if you’re having a unity candle or sand as part of your ceremony, you could include both sets of parents. It’s a wonderful touch.
Get all the right photos
When compiling a list of must-have photos, be sure to ask the in-laws if they have any special requests. Traditional family photos will be taken, of course, but they’ll really appreciate if you ask them this question.
Make sure they’re mentioned in the speeches
Omitting to mention your fiance’s parents in the speeches is a major etiquette faux pas. Even if they chose to stay aside during the wedding planning, there wouldn’t be a wedding without them. Check with all people who are giving speeches to make sure your other half’s parents are mentioned, thanked and and toasted. Or if you’re doing a bridal speech, say it yourself!
Family dance
Whether or not you have first-dance jitters, that three minutes could feel like three years when you’re alone on that dance floor. A beautiful way of involving both sides of the family is asking them to join you on the dance floor sometime around the middle of the song. Fantastic photos are guaranteed. If the parents are feeling a little shy, ask the bridesmaids and groomsmen to follow, so you have a few couples.
Above, image from Ruth & John’s real wedding by Emma Russell Photography
