Who are the Zillas, and what is their origin?
Don’t worry – these strange creatures are none other than your groom, your mum, your chief bridesmaid, or maybe even your dad. You may not recognise them in their present zilla state. As with all strange creatures, caution is advised. Their behaviour may be erratic, but they actually think they’re being helpful. So don your protective gear – here’s our fully exhaustively researched and totally scientifically proven list of the four most commonly found zillas, their behavioural patterns, and self-defence suggestions.
Mumzilla
Case study 1: Shows no interest in wedding, until something clicks two weeks before the big date. Suddenly, there are floods of tears, suggestions on changing everything from venue to colour of confetti, remarks about the dress, large sums of money being offered (bride bribe!), and brand new food intolerances to nearly every item on the menu. It’s like she just realised what’s going on and decided, hell no, she’s not gonna miss her little girl’s wedding, no way, no siree!
Case study 2: Opposite of case 1. Since engagement day, she’s more excited than you are, and progressing from making suggestions to actually booking things behind your back, reacting with sweet surprise when you discover them. Offering to pay for everything so she increases her stakes in the ‘partnership’ for a majority vote. Reacting with painful sighs and sudden headaches when you actually make a decision of your own. Flirting slightly with your groom-to-be, and passing it off as being a lovely new mum to her soon-to-be-son-in-law. Or, if she’s closer to the dark side (Mum Vader) – threatening to withdraw all support unless you do what she says.
Solution: Both mums are in dire need of a project to focus on. Suggest – shopping for big hats (mum should try to out-do the future mum-in-law in the hat size stakes – this will keep them going for days!), dealing with that one supplier who’s giving you a headache (they’ll power right through it, guaranteed), putting together your fictitious gift list on the Arnotts website (don’t worry, you don’t have to use it, but they’ll be online and clicking away for ages)!
Groomzilla
Image by Insight Photography
Case study 1: Starts acting like Martha Stewart’s long-lost son (FYI: she only has a daughter…), and you suddenly find out he actually knows what colour mauve is, and that he has known what wedding cake he wants since before he met you. When meeting suppliers, he negotiates like a pro, leaving you quite speechless. But you have to draw the line when he disapproves of the perfectly pristine cotton napkins at the venue, and starts visiting craft fairs at weekends to find that perfect blend of linen and silk with just the right pattern. It’s for his cravat also, because, you know, it all has to match… he takes a swatch to the bakery and asks for matching cupcakes too.
Case study 2: Completely uninterested in finances and treating credit cards like free money, the groom suddenly feels overwhelmed by the cost of his own wedding. You’d like to have a gift list, he argues for cash donations. He checks every spreadsheet and every penny you’ve spent on everything from bridesmaid dresses to crayons for the kids, and tries to find cheaper alternatives – unfortunately after you’ve paid for everything already. If this was an episode of ‘Don’t Tell the Bride’, he’d blow the entire budget on his stag do, a new car and beer, and you’d have to be content with a registry office wedding followed by a reception a deux at Burger King. Or Subway, if he’s feeling particularly generous that day.
Solution: The good news is, he’s learning the meaning of ‘budget’, although going about it the completely wrong way. Ask him for his opinion before you buy anything, then go ahead and do what you want anyway – he’ll be worrying about the next thing already. Be prepared to be surprised at least once with a brilliant suggestion he’ll make during one of his genius moments.
Dadzilla
Case study 1: At some point, dad suddenly remembers that he’s about to give his daughter away. He’s been living in denial until now, apparently… If so far he’s been treating all the planning as a ‘girl thing’ and escaping to the nearest football game, he now takes interest in everything, including things he couldn’t possibly know anything about (like your wedding dress – to him, you look gorgeous in everything). At night, he’s sleeping with the night-light on, because he keeps having nightmares about giving the speech, which of course he totally forgot to write. In secret, he plans a reception escape route, just in case.
Case study 2: As soon as your engagement is announced, dad becomes Captain Dad and, invites everyone within a five mile radius to your wedding, without even asking first. This is because, of course, he’s going to pay for it all! No matter who you book as your supplier, he knows someone who knows someone who can do the job better for half the price (a distant uncle who owns an accordion will be your wedding entertainment). When the time comes to rent suits for the gents, Captain Dad will suddenly find his long-forgotten fashion sense and insist he needs the best suit, cravat and top hat, because he can’t possibly blend in with the rest of the guests.
Solution: Take all the money dad gives you and put it aside until he cools off – you don’t want him to spend his retirement fund on your wedding! If you are going to have kids, ask him to build you a custom changing table from scratch – he’s definitely going to get a kick out of that one, it’s a year’s worth of carpentry at least! Ask the florist to prepare a completely unique boutonnière for him to wear – it’ll make him feel special.
Bridesmaidzilla
Case study 1: She has three kids, a demanding career, and lives in Brighton, England – yet she still enthusiastically volunteered herself to be one of your bridesmaids. You accepted because you like her, and she’s a great friend… when she’s around. Now she can’t attend anything wedding-related at all, takes eight days to answer any email, and won’t tell you which dress she likes best from the list you sent her. She really means well – but her life just doesn’t have any spare moments at all. Argh.
Case study 2: Fully conscious that it’s your wedding, she’s going to be the star of it anyway. Knowing that you are having a fabulous yet stressful time with planning, she’s booking herself into all kinds of spas so she looks even more radiant than you on the big day. If she’s in a relationship, she’ll try with all her might to get engaged, so she can steal your thunder and do everything better than you. If she’s single, her chief preoccupation (other than her looks) will be to find out how many eligible bachelors are invited to your day. She’s secretly planning to spend the day flirting with the photographer, so he’ll include her in as many photos as possible.
Solution: The only solution is to fire them both, and replace with your 12 year old niece, cousin or neighbour’s daughter, who will love her dress, behave impeccably, won’t chase after men or sabotage your wedding photos, and will remember your wedding day forever.
If none of these solutions work, the only thing that remains is to battle! Here’s how to fight the zillas: Nothing but superpowers will work! Step one – adapt a secret name, fit for a superhero (superbride!) – you know how Beyoncé calls herself Sasha Fierce? Something along those lines will be perfect! Step two – assume your secret superhero identity, and make it your own. Picture your outfit to the last detail (knickers over tights? No problem, but Superman did it first – try something more you), and don’t forget that cape! Step three – bring out the superbride beast any time anyone gives you any grief, and zap them with a weapon of your choice from your extensive arsenal: a winning smile, a witty remark, a crafty change of subject, a hilarious joke… or even a graceful sashay away from the zilla, abandoning him/her in all their rage!
And if all this doesn’t quite work? Then the only thing left to do is to become a Queen Bridezilla yourself – and here’s how!
