12 Tips for Overwhelmed Couples Planning a Big Wedding

Planning & Advice

It was there, in black and white, in our survey published in January. On average couples invite 159 guests to their Big Day and 26% opt for a bigger celebration with over 200 guests. That’s a big wedding. You add up your families, your closest friends, and the bridal party. Then maybe you want to give everyone that plus-one option. Or you want people to bring their kids. Next thing you know, your guestlist goes from small to population of Vatican City (by latest estimates that’s 451 people).

At some point during the planning, you may wish you hadn’t gone quite so big. This happens to lots of couples! If it’s already happened to you, then you know that feeling. If it’s creeping up on you now, brace yourself for a rocky ride. And if the storm has already hit… you may be considering forgoing the big wedding for something smaller. You have to realise your stress levels are multiplied by the number of people you’re dealing with. More phone calls, more emails, more problems popping up, more RSVPs to chase. Questions like: why did you invite so and so, but not so and so. Or, if you invite so and so, I’m not coming. It all adds up, and you’re only one person. Maybe you’re now wishing you’d hired a wedding planner (which is always a brill idea, by the way, for a wedding of any size).

You need a proper coping strategy for this! Don’t brush this feeling under the carpet, because how you feel about your own wedding is more important than what anyone else thinks. If you are actually thinking about switching from a big wedding to a smaller one, here’s what you can do.

If you’re at the very beginning of your planning… consider having a small wedding right from the start. As one wise bride said ‘if you start small, fewer people will be disappointed if you change your mind’. If you’d like to weigh your pros and cons, click here for everything you need to consider.

Consider going abroad. This automatically reduces your guest list, as not everyone will be able to, or will want to travel. A solid argument for this is combining your wedding and honeymoon into one. If you are keeping a very strict eye on the budget, then you won’t be able to ignore the savings.

Not every wedding has to be lavish. Even after a decade of major changes in the wedding industry, many couples still believe only a big do really matters, or doing what their parents want matters. That’s truly not the case. Today, it matters more what the couple wants. So if deep inside you want something personal, but you’re not speaking up because ‘that’s not the way weddings are supposed to be’, then you better kiss the ‘supposed to’ goodbye. Your day, your way – that’s all that matters.

Everyone puts in their two cents. It’s only normal to feel frustrated when this happens, and it happens to weddings more than any other area of life. It’s all this advice you didn’t ask for, ‘you should, you have to, you must’. If someone talked to you like this about your job, school or leisure time, you’d probably tell them to take a hike. They don’t mean it badly, they just don’t know how unsolicited advice is raining on you from all sides. If this is the only thing driving you to cancelling the big wedding for a small one, then just breathe and let it go. It will stop eventually, we promise.

Listen to your doubts. If you’re shopping for wedding stuff, and your inner voice keeps saying ‘how much? why do I need this? What will I do with it after the wedding?’ then you need to listen to it. There’s a magic question that solves these types of dilemmas. Take a cold hard look at the thing you’re thinking about buying, and ask ‘will my wedding day be different without it?’ If the answer is yes, buy it. If it’s no, leave it.

When you don’t know what to do, do nothing. This is a wise approach to all decisions that are non-urgent and non-life-changing. If you’re really having serious doubts about going ahead with a big wedding, just chill it for a few days. Take a planning break, calm down your emotions, and just wait. The answer comes when you least expect it.

Take a sober look at the finances. Ok, let’s say you’ve already paid some deposits and signed some contracts. How much is the total? Are any deposits still refundable, fully or partially? Could you still use the same suppliers, but downscale their services and final price accordingly? For example, originally there were going to be eight floral centrepieces for your reception tables, but now you’d like only four. Call up the florist and ask. When you do the math, you’ll know whether it’s wise to scale down the wedding or not.

Have you hired a wedding planner? Well then, you’re lucky, because who better to talk to than a professional. She can tell you exactly what to expect, what the financial impact may be, and what you can do differently. The planner will usually be able to negotiate on your behalf with the suppliers too. This is the best help you could possibly get.

What does your other half think? You don’t have to struggle with this decision alone! A wedding is for two people, so your fiancé(e) should also have a say in this. If they actually say ‘I’ve always wanted a smaller wedding, but I went along with the bigger one because that’s what you wanted!’, would you be relieved or disappointed? There’s only one way to find out – ask.

Letting people down isn’t easy. Trust us, we understand that more than anyone else when it comes to weddings. Here’s one thing you need to remember: nobody can argue when you say ‘after we gave it a lot of thought, we decided to go with our original plan of having a small wedding. We’ll only have family and closest friends. We hope you understand’. It’s not easy to say, but in the end, your wishes matter more. Also, opting for a smaller wedding is much easier if you haven’t sent out save-the-dates or invitations. Because, until then, people don’t really know for sure if they’re invited or not.

Doubts usually increase over time. This is true in life and in the world of weddings too. If they are nagging at you now, and you still have some time, then give it a week or two and see how you feel. Imagine how you’ll feel in three or six months, getting closer to a celebration you’re not sure you want to have anymore. Chances are, you’ll wish you acted sooner.

And finally…

What’s the worst that can happen? Say you change your mind. You go ahead and decide on the small wedding as opposed to the big one, tell the guests, make new bookings. Then you discover it was a mistake after all. Guess what? You can go back to the original plan. Of course you can. Yes, it will cost you a bit extra. Yes, you may have to pick another wedding date if the old one is no longer available at the same venue. And yes, you may have some explaining to do. But in the end, only one thing matters: that you have your wedding, your way. And that makes it all worth it.

Main photo from Gabriel & Kerstyn’s real wedding by Aspect Photography