Raise your hand if this is what you think of when you picture pre-marriage counselling: You’re in a room with your partner and a counsellor. You’ve each been given a test to take, which will tell you if you’re compatible. After a short session, your counsellor will tell you if you’ve passed the test. Then, and only then, can you begin to get married.
Reality check: This is not what pre-marriage counselling is about!
The idea of pre-marriage counselling is not meant to be a test that determines if you should get married. Rather, you are meant to leave your series of sessions with the tools it takes to make your marriage work. You should learn how to communicate, how to handle your finances and how to fight fair. Your counsellor should also encourage you to have some important conversations about your marriage before it begins.
So, this is what you should talk about in pre-marriage counselling:
Your friends
Evaluate how often you see your friends separately and together. You may have a large group of mutual friends or a group of friends that your partner isn’t part of. Both of these scenarios are healthy. Discuss how often you’ll spend time with friends once you’re married. Spending all your time alone and isolating yourself from community isn’t recommended. On the flip side, never spending time alone together is equally unhealthy for your marriage.
Ask some real questions: “How often would you like to have a boys night?” or “Are you happy with me seeing my school friends and not inviting you along?”. Discuss your expectations. If you don’t like the idea of your partner spending three nights each week with their friends, express that. And if your partner keeps inviting you to watch the football with the boys and you just aren’t into it, let him know that you’re happy not to tag along.
Household chores
Many petty arguments stem from household chores not being done. You don’t need to be super specific, but you should talk about your expectations. Who will take care of which chores? Do you both appreciate an immaculate home? Would you like to do chores together?
The reality is that you can’t be upset with your partner for leaving socks lying on the floor if you haven’t communicated your expectation for them to pick up their own dirty laundry. Our partners aren’t mind-readers, so pre-marriage counselling is a great space to discuss this type of thing.
The in-laws
How often would you like to be spending time with your in-laws once you’re married? Things can get wonderfully complicated if both sets of parents live in the same city as you. It’s a great problem to have, but it is worth discussing! Something else to consider: What are we comfortable discussing with our parents? For example, your mom might be a nurse. So, it might come naturally to phone her and ask her for advice on what to do if you have a cold. However, your partner may prefer to be the one who looks after you.
Bucket list
Have you always imagined taking a year to travel together? If your partner is the type of person who prefers to live in a small town and never leave, you’ll need to discuss this. Share your dreams with your partner so you can evaluate if your life paths are complementary. The same goes for children. If your bucket list includes raising a large family and your partner isn’t interested, you might want to have a serious conversation about your future together.
A great marriage is made up of two people who begin to share dreams that used to be their own.
