Adoptive v Birth Families

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Callalily Posts: 325
Hello, I would love to hear from adopted (or not!) Wollies out there. My H2B is adopted - he is in sporadic contact with his birth mother, but not his birth father (although H2B knows who he is). BM is married again and while her husband knows and is comfortable with it, her daughter doesn't want to know - she's been keen to protect her from the knowledge of a half-brother for a long time, so her daughter found out quite late - after her leaving cert exams were over! We would love to invite the BM, who seems like a lovely woman (and probably her husband too) to the wedding. I don't think the daughter would come. But I'm wondering how best to approach it if it's rather delicate, or if it might make trouble for them. What do you think? Did you have anything similar or can you suggest an approach?
MrsWhippy09 Posts: 2346
I'm not adopted myself but I know quite a few people who are but none of them are lucky enough to have a relationsip with their birth mother. Are your h2bs' adoptive family comfortable with the idea of inviting them to the wedding? It might be an idea to sit them down and let them know that you would love both families there to help you celebrate the day. You could send his BM and her family an open family invitation. That way the invitation is open to everyone and the daughter doesn't feel left out, even though she may not want to go IYKWIM.
Callalily Posts: 325
That's a good idea, MrsWhippy. I'll suggest that to him. H2B's adoptive family are brilliant, they are so warm and welcoming. They treat me like their own daughter as well. They would love to meet his BM but none of us have actually met her properly yet. H2B has asked to meet her before, by himself but she declined as she wasn't ready at the time. It was too soon for her, as we were just leaving to live in the UK at the time and as she doesn't live anywhere near either of our families, it was going to be harder to get to meet her later. Consequently we've never had the chance to meet her. So the wedding would be the first time.
goldie. Posts: 1233
My h2b is adopted so I know it can be an emotional issue. I think the wedding probaly wouldn't be the best place for the first meet. It would be very stressful on your h2b and his family. Maybe you could meet up with his birth family for a "look at the photographs session" when ye get back or maybe they could just come to the church.
lil kim Posts: 436
[quote:1dcnp0ba]BM is married again and while her husband knows and is comfortable with it, her daughter doesn't want to know [/quote:1dcnp0ba] why does her daughter not want to know? i myself am adopted and am one of the lucky ones. i happen to have a great relationship with birth family. my birth parents had broken up when i was born and got back to gether shortly after i had been adopted. they got married and had 4 more children, they did try to get me back but no go. my adoptive parents and birth parents used to exchange a letter every christmas, sort of an update, and the odd picture. i met them when i was 19 and things have been great, i feel so lucky to have two sets of parents. on our wedding day my adoptive parents will be doing all the honours, my two natural sisters are bms, and the rest of birth family will be guests. i could write a book!! i was worried about how to approach the subject but i just asked straight out would they be comfortable coming to the wedding and they were delighted. i think your h2b best bet is to ask straight out, at least that way he will know. i no i kind of went off the point sorry.
Callalily Posts: 325
Lil Kim that's amazing, you are indeed very lucky to have two loving families! I think the daughter is just creeped out... to learn at 17/18 that you have an older half-brother can probably do that to you and you naturally never ever want to talk to your mum about her prior sexual relationships, do you!! Goldie I know what you mean about the wedding being a bad time... and perhaps it would... but as I said we're based in the UK and cannot really go home that often - I can count the number of free weekends we have before June on one hand and we won't be going home to Ireland after the honeymoon, we'll be coming home to our new house in London. Aargghh this is complicated. Maybe I should contact BM quietly myself and ask. I've been trying to avoid getting involved so that H2B can build up his relationship first - but he is the world's worst correspondent and it has quickly dwindled to an email at christmas, not out of anything less than goodwill just cos he can't be bothered... It's the same on the other side though so I always say I can see where he gets it from!!
charminglizzy Posts: 15
Hi girls It is a really difficult one - and something that could wreck your head so easily coming up to a wedding - there is nothing in the Wedding books about this!! I am adopted myself and met my birth mother 3 years ago.. She lives in the UK and I am in Cork. We see each other a few times a year etc. She has 2 sons so I now have 2 half brothers. With regard to your h2b i would def. let him to it as he needs to do it at his own pace and there may be issues in the back of his mind that he needs to sort out. I totally know what you mean though about him being useless as the correspondence thing etc. Also - I know its a dose but is there annnny chance that ye could come over for even a friday evening. I have just done that and she got to meet some of my friends and my aunt etc. and at lease when the wedding day comes these people aren't going to be surrounding her! I don't think there is any right or wrong answers for this. I guarantee the daughter will be thrilled to have a brother in years to come but I suppose its a big shock for her - shame she didn't tell her before now. my biggest worries for the day are that people who know I'm adopted will be gawking at my birth Mom and make her feel wierd. My adoptive parents are really supportive but have a big problem sitting up at a top table when my birth Mom is down below - don;t know what we will do about that. Don;t want to draw attention to the situation but don;t want to hurt anyones feelings either. Remember its going to be difficult for the adoptive parents aswell. the best advice is for your h2b to tell them they will be invited and they can think about it and get back to him (asap!)