an old friend of mine who never ever EVER calls me, called once last week to meet up when i was home. i couldn't because i had too much to do (and in 8 years that we haven't lived in Corkshe has never called me etc it's always me who initiates it).. she was quite persistent but i just couldn't .. i didn't have time.
anyways she called when i was at work yesterday to say the reason she wanted to meet was to tell me that she'd had a miscarriage.
I didn't know what to say.. i just said i was really sorry to hear her news and then just listened to her vent for a bit.
i feel so bad that i didn't meet her when i was home. but i didn't know. but i don't know what i can do now. I don't know what to say to her. I don't know if there's anything i can do? i just feel awful and that i can't help? I'm back in London and she's back in Clare now. What can i do?
Anyone got any advice?
I don't know if she was just calling me as that's what all our school gang do... they all call me when something goes wrong.. none of the other girls know.. and they're the ones that are home in Cork and could help her. And i don't want to encourage her to talk to them... each having their own massive problems that the others don't know about
What can i do/say to her?
Sorry i'm useless about this.
I remember when a friend of mine called me and told me that she had a very early miscarriage (she was 7 weeks) I was so stumped and didnt know what to say (any of my close friends will say that is so unusual for me to have nothing to say) but all I did say was that I am not sure what to say but I am so sorry for her and listened to her rant/vent etc. All you can do is be there to listen to her if and when she decides to ring. My friend sounds a bit like yours in that it is always me who makes contact etc. I know my friend has a lot going on in her life and fair enough but she is the very one who will say oh we cant lose contact/touch but never bothers her barney.
I don't know if there's anything specific you can say to her - she's obviously going through a bit of a trauma at the moment and needs someone to talk to about it.
I know it seems hard that she's contacted you with bad news and burdening you with it but all you can really do is listen, provide some sympathy and perhaps encourage her to talk about it to someone who's a bit closer (in distance) to her -
And try to encourage her to stay in touch during the good times rather than just coming to you when times are tough.
oh i hope i'm not coming across that i mind her contacting me with her traumas - i don't at all..
i just don't know anything going on in her life or who her friends are now or anything really so don't know what to say to comfort her as i don't really know anything about her anymore.
[quote:15l0m4ka]oh i hope i'm not coming across that i mind her contacting me with her traumas - i don't at all..
i just don't know anything going on in her life or who her friends are now or anything really so don't know what to say to comfort her as i don't really know anything about her anymore.[/quote:15l0m4ka]
No you are not, I know exactly how you feel on this one, In my case it just annoys me sometimes how I am always the one to make the effort
[quote:3kqbiets]oh i hope i'm not coming across that i mind her contacting me with her traumas - i don't at all..
i just don't know anything going on in her life or who her friends are now or anything really so don't know what to say to comfort her as i don't really know anything about her anymore.[/quote:3kqbiets]
Oh no Chloe, didn't sound like that at all. I know its so hard when you don't see people for so long, you kind of drift apart, and you don't know about their life anymore. But you still care about them and want to do whatever you can for them.
I think all you can do for your friend is just let her know you're there for her if she needs to talk, there is nothing else you can do really. I think she probably knows that anyway, because she rang you.
I think the best thing you could do is send her a card to tell her you are thinking of her? I know there is books you can buy about "coping with miscarriage" so if you wanted you could send her something like that. It must be so hard for her and maybe she has no one else to talk to? I guess otherwise all you can do is listen?
send her a card, sometimes its easier to write stuff down or find a card with a nice verse in it. This helped me alot when a friend did it for me... Easier to go back and keep reading it. Have a good cry to yourself when reading it
Would you offer her the chance to come over and visit you? Just if she needed to get away for a weekend/few nights ? Not sure if ye have drifted too much for this, but even if you offered and she never took you up on it, she'd know that you're there for her... She may love to escape to new surroundings....
You're not doing anything wrong Chloe, she still came to you with her sad news. Just by listening you probably helped her.
best of luck
Thanks girls for all the advice.
I will give her a call and just let her know i'm here if she needs me and ask her if she'd like to go away a weekend or something
I think just letting her know you're there for her will be enough.
Hope things all work out for her