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MrsExcited2010 Posts: 210
Hi all, I am on WOL for a while, posted this on relationships but decided the wollies on this end might also be able to give some advice! we are married a over a year now and really have a super husband, he is so supportive of me and is very kind and caring. He is very much a family person and would absolutely love to start a family. I am not adverse to it and we have a great relationship. I am the main breadwinner at the moment and will remain that way for another while and so while I am happy with this, I think the burden of having children and working would be immense. my hubby would be able to get a great job if we were in Ireland however we are away from Ireland for the forseeable future. He would therefore be a stay at home dad which he would be great at the moment... I feel bad about my feelings on this and about him but I will probably always be the main breadwinner, my role would naturally attract a higher salary because of its specialism. I can't help feeling that I need my husband to be the breadwinner and look after me, it feels like I will be the one doing everything. Now that is probably a little unfair as my hubby does so much for me but does anyone else understand this or anyone else in the same boat? I don't want to resent him but I also do think it may be a good time..... Any advice?
mrs pitt Posts: 164
I'm not 100% sure what you are looking for advice on if its for when you have children and your husband is a stay at home dad or for your current situation My situation is that my husband is self employed and due to recession has very little work at moment so I am the main earner. This doesnt bother me in the slightest as the way I see it we are a team and my money is his and vice versa. Before the recession he was the main earner and if things pick up we will go back to this. He will also probably do most of the childcare when I go back to work full time after the baby. Neither of us minds this at all. You just have to suit your situation. At the moment you earn more in the country you live in. Many women would envy you that you have your own money and independance. Your husband having money is not the only way to be looked after. I'm sure he is kind and generous in plenty of non financial ways. I suppose really your choice is either to stay in the country where you are in or go back to ireland simply so that your husband can look after you financially. I think you need to sit down and chat and explore why you need him to earn more than you and for you to be looked after. To be honest you are in an enviable position that there is a good wage coming into the house, doesn't matter who its from and that one parent will be able to stay home with your child when you have one. So maybe try and find positives in it.
MrsExcited2010 Posts: 210
Hi Mrs.Pitt, I was looking for advice on having a child while working and being the main breadwinner... I was wondering if others are in this position. I agree, I am very fortunate and lucky to have such a supportive husband and I suppose I want to also ensure he has what he wants in life which is a child. I am not concerned about the financials i.e. who's money is who's but rather the physical side of actually carrying a pregnancy while being the main breadwinner, it just feels like it would be a lot of pressure and I am wondering if anyone else feels the same or if there husbands are stay at home dads and how they felt in terms of making the decision and after the decision. we have such a great relationship and I want to make sure we always do, but want to know what experiences other mums had in this position and how did it work out? my hubby will be an amazing dad and is very supportive so I think he will be fine, the problem is more to do with me.... :duh:
mrs pitt Posts: 164
Hi sorry for any misunderstanding, your first post wasnt that clear what you were looking for advice on think thats why didnt get many replies. Your 2nd post is much clearer so sorry again and hope you get advice you need
JDD Posts: 1316
I think the issue is more your perception of what should be your respective roles rather than the actual extra work that will result from you being the main breadwinner rather than, say, both of you working. I can understand your point of view somewhat. A friend of mine's husband is self employed and only works 3 days a week since he was made redundant from his full time position. He suggested that it might be financially beneficial for him to mind their 2 year old two days a week rather than him being in creche. My friend was quite against this. She knew it didn't quite make logical sense, but she said that she wanted to be the one who got to work three days and look after her child part time. She said that she would be jealous of her husband getting the chance to do that, and she was worried that he would not look for more work to bring him back up to a five day week, as he would like looking after their child too much. While you are pregnant I don't think work will be any different for you than someone whose partner also works. As for when a child comes along, the pressure on you as a working mother will be less than that of a similar mother whose partner is also working, as your husband will be able to stay at home when the child is sick, and will be able to do the lions share of the housework. Financially, it might take a toll on your lifestyle, with just one salary, but remember your husband will not be working and therefore you won't be paying childcare fees, which can amount to over €1,000 a month. Having said all of that, who knows where you will be in two or three years time. It may take a few months, or even longer for you to get pregnant, then there's the nine month pregnancy and the maternity leave (should you be able to afford it). By that stage things in Ireland may have recovered enough for you to return home and swap roles. It may only be for a short period of time where you need to be the main breadwinner.
MrsExcited2010 Posts: 210
Hi JDD, you have made some very valid points, that is interesting what your friend was going through, I had never thought about it quite like that.... I know my hubby would be amazing, he is such a natural with all of that kind of thing, and I think you are right it is down to the perception of what I believe the roles should be. I am very happy with the fact I can focus on my career, have a happy marraige and a caring husband, I am so so fotunate and sometimes I can't help thinking shouldn't it be the other way around.... he is a hard worker and I know the minute we are back in a situation where he can work he will, part of the reason for wanting kids now is probably due to the fact that he has time out, he can be a big part of the rearing and we can do that financially now. I mean we are like anyone else, mortgage, bills etc but we are managing with the one salary. I need to get my head around the differing roles, it is kind of crazy how much I am influenced by the perfect 2.4 children set up... crikey :eek