Any other DHs who are not sure about having children?

We've Moved!

Our wonderful discussion forums have now moved to Facebook...

Click to join us in our HIGM ("Help I'm Getting Married") group!

hopeful1973 Posts: 4385
Hi girls, Went out with DH for a meal last week and he brought up the fact that he's really not into the whole idea of having children. He brought it up so at least he wants to talk about it but I was pretty taken aback. I definitely want to try at least - he always said before the wedding that he wanted to wait a couple of years before trying and I accepted that, but now he's saying he doesn't know if he'd ever want to have a baby - he's scared that he won't form any connection with him/her - he feels nothing for his own nephew which I find a bit odd but I suppose he's a guy, his nephew isn't even 1 yet and I think men tend to prefer children when they're a bit more "interesting". It's starting to become a bit of a white elephant - the issue is there but I am afraid to talk about it again in case he tells me he definitely never wants kids - I would be devastated. Has anyone else been in this position?? Thanks, H
Tigletts Posts: 2904
Ah Hopeful, not in the same position but had to reply. Are you both very young? Having a child is not a decision to take lightly either, so I guess your DH is just very nervous. Men definetely don't bond with babies from what I've seen, they just don't see the interest, but once they start walking and talking it all changes. But I think you should definetely talk to him about it again sooner rather than later -- otherwise it will just eat you up. Good luck with it. :xxx
hopeful1973 Posts: 4385
Hi Tigletts thanks for replying... I wish we were both very young but we're actually both very much into our 30s so I don't have a huge amount of time left to get going - and that's even if we are able to have kids! I'm 33, he's nearly 33. If I was younger I wouldn't be too worried about it (give him a few years and he'll get used to the idea) but I would rather start trying straight away! I accepted him wanting to put it off for a while because I think it's a good idea for us to be married and just on our own for a while... but now it seems he would be happy if we put it off indefinitely :o( He's been a bit quiet since the wedding as well. He claims there's nothing wrong and I do believe him to a point (he's generally fine with me but his family - although I find them very nice - tend to wreck his head). I was thinking of asking him to do some counselling or something (either with me or on his own) - or is that a drastic step? Oh I don't know what to do. H
Tigletts Posts: 2904
I've PMed you S
WonderWol Posts: 2927
Funnily enough we have the opposite problem - DH very keen to have a baby but I'm not .... I'll be 37 next month so I am running out of time but I think in your case you have a few more years yet and you are only married a while - give it another year or so and he may have changed his mind. Men take forever to make big decisions like this .......
hopeful1973 Posts: 4385
Hi Talaban Thanks for that. Can I ask do you think you'd ever change your mind? H
WonderWol Posts: 2927
It's something we talk about every year and each year I put it off saying "let's talk about it next year". Really don't know what to do - the bottom line is I like my life, I'm happy as I am and I don't feel any overwhelming urge for a baby. My brother & sil just had their first (and first in our family) 3 mths ago and DH's sister had her second 4 mths ago but it's not making me broody. I overthink things TBH, havig a baby is a HUGE committment, getting married is easier, if it doesn't work out well we're 2 adults and we knew what we were getting in to and we tried our best, babies don't ask to be born and they grown up into adults. it's such a responsibility making sure we do a good enough job so they can become happy, wellbalanced individuals. I think I'm too selfish to put in the all encompassing effort my parents did for us - they were great & I only appreciate that now, I can only understand now what a terrific job they did. However having said all that and providing DH really understands what we would be taking on if he staill wanted to I reckon I would change my mind partly for him, partly because I am overcautious and I don't want to wake up 5 years from now regretting that we didn't go ahead with it. I think it's one of the hardest choices some people will make, for others (perhaps luclier ones) it's an easy decision. I wonder if it's such a hard choice for me am i meant to be a mother at all ....... Dunno who knows in 6mths my biological clock may suddenly spring into action O:o) Never say never I guess.
elfen Posts: 244
Hi Hopefull1973, Couldnt read and not reply, as we went thru something similar in Sept. I know that feeling of sadness. I am 31 ( and ready) DH is 39 and was not. He is a very 'young' 39 and I honestly believe now he was just scared as hell. We went thru the mill, it made us question everything about our marriage (of 1 year!) and what we wanted for the future... to the point were I moved back home for a week and genuinely thought at some points things were over for us. It was very frightening ..... BUT we have come thru it for the better to the point where DH announced just before Christmas he would like to start trying. It took many a difficult ( and tearfull on my part) conversation to get to this point. But here we are 4 months later and things are better then ever.... it has helped us no end becuase now we 'talk' much better. Which was something we has stopped doing. Sorry for the long post, but my advice to you is to TALK, - i know its anot always easy especially for the men, but its sooo worth it. Its all gonna come to a head in the end so you may aswell start now! One thing i woudl say tho, - dont push too hard, as this will prob make him dig his heels in. This was the best advice I got and it worked, it was important for me for the decision was his in the end and not a decision he made just because i wanted it, - sorry again for the long post. Elfen ...x
hopeful1973 Posts: 4385
Thanks girls, Talaban, you've obviously thought about it a lot and you seem to really know yourself and what you want but you're still open to the possibility which is a good way to be. You don't have the urge which really is the main point I guess. I'm getting to the stage where all I can see are babies and I just didn't want to get much older before we even tried. Even if we know we can't have them, at least we'd know. We are the same in that we like our life as it is and a baby would be such an incredible change and obviously would turn our current life on its head. I also have great parents who did a fabulous job raising a large family and who still provide such amazing support and love whenever we need it - it would be difficult for us to match how well they did alright... Elfen, totally take what you say on board. And you're right - my DH is incredibly stubborn, if I went nuts at him he would just dig in his heels and it wouldn't do any good. He is not great at talking - it's definitely easier when we're out, or away for a weekend. We are hoping to go away soon for a week's hols so might talk about it then. But how did you go about convincing him?? I don't know what to say to him that might make him see things differently. And as you say, I want him to make the decision and to be totally on board about it, and not to do it just for me... Anyway, thanks for the advice girls, H x
Ghostbuster Posts: 1268
Hiya, I think it's just nerves on his part. A lot of people don't feel anything for babies, nieces or nephews. I believe the connection happens as the child develops a personality. I remember when my brother asked me to be godmother to his baby girl. I was honoured but felt awkward about it as I don't ooh and ahh over babies - wll I didn't then and that was 4 years ago - but things are different now and I'm starting to feel broody. My godchild/niece and I have a great relationship and she never stops hanging out of me!! (I can't see the attraction haha!!) To be honest - you do need to sort this out because it would be very selfish of him to expect you stick by him now after he's dropped this bombshell, knowing fully that you want kids and that you believed he wanted the same before you got hitched. Perhaps you should contact Relate for some info about this and take it from there. I personally think that his feelings will change. My brother was going out with a woman for many years and they were totally in love. However he wanted kids and she didn't - so they decided to break up. My brother always mourned the loss of that relationship - particularly since he found out that she's since gotten married and had children. Good luck!