Anyone else felt disconnected at any stage?

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Anonymous Posts: 24542
I'd dropped off WOL for a while as I had a bit of a weird time during my pregnancy. It took DH and I two years of trying before we finally got our BFP, and I was on a total high afterwards... couldn't stop smiling, laughing to myself, planning all the wonderful adventures ahead of us. Then, for no apparent reason, I began to feel totally disconnected from the whole thing - disconnected from the pregnancy, disconnected from the baby. I felt like such a bad mum-to-be, and at the same time didn't really feel anything much about it, if you know what I mean. What made it worse is that this baby has been SO wanted for such a long time. Anyway, I think work may have contributed in some way to how I was feeling, as things have been so much better since I started mat leave. I now feel like my old self again, and I keep running into the bedroom where we're keeping all her stuff to check out her little clothes, moses basket... even her tiny little nappies! :-8 I can't wait to meet her, to hold her, and to try to be the best mammy I can possibly be, but it was a bit scary there for a while to feel so completely unmaternal :o( Anyhow, I was just wondering whether any of you went through a similar patch at any stage.
wedjul05 Posts: 5673
hey ditz, I am a good way behind you but I have to say at the moment I am feeling a tad like this. like you, it took us over and year and half to get pg. I just can't believe that I am pg, even though we had our big scan last week and say babs on the screen. It was like watching a video of someone else completlye. I thought it would sink in more but it hasn't. I have bought clothes for the babs but it still feels like I am buying them for someone else. I just cannot 100% realise they are for me and DH. I haven't connected with the pregnancy at all. Finding it difficult. Maybe when I have big huge bump :o0
alton Posts: 3077
From around week 6 to 12, I was totally disconnected. Maybe that's putting it too mildly. I went from being thrilled, excited and totally wanting the baby to feeling that I couldn't cope, and shouldn't continue with the pregnancy. I don't think it helped that I kept coming across articles and programmes on post-natal depression, horrendous labour experiences, sleep deprivation etc. But then one day it just vanished and it was like suddenly being myself again. I have doubts (who wouldn't) but overall I'm happy about being pregnant. And the dramatic difference makes me think that it's very much about the balance of hormones, rather than anything about me or my chances of being a good mum. I wonder if the stress of ttc makes your mind shut out the natural doubts and worries and you find that you just really want a baby more than anything (it's almost obsessive in itself). And that then when you have managed to attain your "goal" the floodgates open in your mind to release all the negative stuff that was pushed aside. I've experienced a milder version of that with other goals and achievements in life. Sometimes when you get what you want, you wonder was it really worth it- with a job or a promotion you can ask those questions consciously but it's harder when you're thinking about a wee life inside you. maybe your mind pushes it down and you experience it as disconnection?? Sorry! Full of psychobabble today. Just a thought really. I'd say its fairly normal though!
sinion Posts: 6050
it's funny you should write this now, I had a really bad few days recently and I was so terrified of the thoughts I was having that I couldn't bring myself to post them here, I ended up just pming someone I trusted here as I just needed to vent and was so afraid of being judged. It's passed now so I feel I can talk more openly about it but at the time I was terrified, horrified and just in bits. It all started the day after my 3D scan, all of a sudden something changed, and it's exactly as you said, I was completely disconnected. I felt absolutely nothing towards my baby, no love, nothing. I was in pieces, I've suffered with depression before many years ago and this felt EXACTLY the same, I really was so scared that I was slipping away in the dark numbness I had lived in for so long as a teenager. The thoughts that were going through my mind were so shocking, I can barely even bring myself to type them, but I thought that I really didn't care if I lost the baby and that it meant nothing to me. It was kicking away inside me and I felt nothing, just numb. I couldn't even bring myself to tell my husband as I was so afraid. I couldn't look at the 3D scan photos at all, anytime that I did my baby just looked like it was someone else's and I couldn't connect to it. But I know from before that you need to talk about these things so after a few days I decided to tell my husband everything, I broke down in hysterics and told him all the deepest darkest horrible thoughts I'd been having. I just completely let go of it all and was screaming crying, but it worked as a kind of therapy and it was like a weight lifting off me. It took a few more days to get back to normal but then all of a sudden I was madly in love with my baby again and felt re-connected. It's totally passed since and I'm back to normal but it was so utterly terrifying, I really thought I was slipping back into depression. Thankfully my husband's been amazing and really helped me through, he did loads of reading up on it for me and found that it's totally normal and actually way more common that you'd think, it's just that a lot of women are too afraid to speak up about it. One site I found said how women felt that they should be so happy and grateful to be pregnant, so when these negative feelings came along they were too afraid to discuss it as they didn't want to seem like bad mothers and that's exactly how I felt, I felt like the worst possible mother and my baby would be so much better off without me. I'm so sorry to hear you felt this way too, but in a way it's a huge relief to know we're not alone and this is just one of those things. xx
Anonymous Posts: 24542
Thanks, ladies, for your posts. I'm very grateful. Sinion, your really honest post was a relief to read. I've similar past experiences, and it took a long time, lots of patience, meds and a very understanding DH to get me through it. I was scared, too, that it was all coming back again, but this felt a bit different... no mood swings like before, no tears like before, just nothing... The only thing that was horribly familiar was that horrible sense of detachment from the world, but this time around it was all focused on the pregnancy and I had absolutely no feelings towards my baby at all. There she was, kicking away inside me, and it was like it was happening to someone else's body. I'd felt so connected to her before, so in tune with every little wriggle and sensation, that this sudden turnabout was hard to deal with, and yet at the same time I didn't seem to have the emotional capacity to confront it. Alton, you could be right. When you spend so long focusing on TTC, all other normal parenting worries are pushed so far back until you achieve it. Once that goal is achieved, they're bound to resurface, but because you push them aside for so long they resurface all at once rather than crop up gradually as part of the natural course of things. Perhaps everything just hit me so hard and fast and all together that I just shut everything down rather than deal with the doubts that are a natural part of this whole process. Wedjul05 - congrats, and best of luck with your pregnancy... looking back now, I should have dealt with this sooner as I feel I've missed out many of the positives of being pregnant, so hopefully it'll sink in for you soon :lvs Now that I'm out the other side, so to speak, it's been good to get it out, so thanks, girls... I'm really grateful that you took the time to post :thnk
sinion Posts: 6050
[quote="Ditz":2war9ihn] The only thing that was horribly familiar was that horrible sense of detachment from the world, but this time around it was all focused on the pregnancy and I had absolutely no feelings towards my baby at all. [/quote:2war9ihn] That's exactly to a tee what it was for me too, that old and very terrifying feeling of nothingness and all of it directed towards the baby and pregnancy. We're both very lucky to have husbands as we do as I know mine is instrumental in me not lapsing back into depression again. It rears it's ugly head once in a while but nowhere near as frequently as it did before and with him it passes very quickly too. He knows exactly what I need from him and talks me through it all until i'm out the other side again, something I never had when it first had me in it's firm grasp. I think now though it's made me so much more aware of the signs to look for so I won't be so long in looking for help again. I'm guessing you're as fearful as I am of succumbing to PND...
Anonymous Posts: 24542
Yep, I am a bit concerned alright. We had a lovely woman in to talk to us about it during our ante-natal class, and she told us about www.pnd.ie, so I've been doing my homework. DH is an absolute rock... don't know what I'd do without him :xox
honeybee Posts: 624
Hi Ditz I felt like this for the first few months of my pregnancy its was only after my 2nd scan(21 weeks) that i felt attached to the baby but do have still some bouts of dettachment.
Avril Hiswife Posts: 1743
I know I am really in no place to comment here, so early in my pregnancy. But I have often wondered if there is a bit too much pressure on us to bond with the baby before it is born? Even the 3 and 4D scans are advertised as helping bond with baby. And the pregnancy books I have flicked through are all about it. I am still not sure that I want to bond with this baby until I can hold them in my arms for the first time. And then my hormones will go crazy, the way they do for most new Mammys and the bonding process will really begin. And if, for whatever reason, it doesn't, help is available to us at that stage. All that trying and hoping was for a baby, not a pregnancy. The pregnancy is just the lead up to the biggest and most exciting thing that can happen to us. :o)ll It is only normal to have last minute doubts!
baby peanut Posts: 810
The first time I was pregnant I felt like you did. I think it was a shock to have my body 'invaded' as I felt at the time. I got really depressed over my shape, boobs, stretch marks etc. I can safely say at that time I felt the only nice thing about being pregnant was feeling baby move. I hated everything else. I actually resented being a sort of baby 'carrier'. After DD was born I took a little while to bond with her, partly because of emergency section etc. When I saw her she was soooo beautiful I couldn't believe she was mine, I really thought they had got the babies mixed up :o( My DH thought this was hilarious but it was a real genuine fear for me. The worse feeling of all though was the feeling that something would go wrong. I can hardly say it now, a sort of irrational fear that my baby would die. That she was so perfect that I wasn't meant to have her for long. I did everything for her but felt I was going through the motions, and then eventually after a few weeks when I looked back the numb feelings were gone. I guess what I'm trying to say is I've learnt a little bit more from then. Just realise your hormones are all over the place at the moment, they can make you feel irrational. I think if you want something so much, that the fear of losing it can make you very detached from the reality. I feel sort of similar during this pregnancy but I had a long chat with DH and he really made sense. He said its only natural to worry something might go wrong seeing as this baby has been 'long tried for' and that subconciously detatching yourself could be a sort of coping mechanism incase something goes wrong. I still don't want more stretch marks etc but this time I'm gonna throw myself into motherhood from the first cry and not miss anything. If you think you're prone to depression I would address it with your doc before the birth. Also I did learn there is such a thing as PRE natal depression. Maybe more of us have a touch of this than we think *) All the best with the new babs *)
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