Big Problem -Step Daughter to be

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MrsK2be2016 Posts: 16
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CasualBride Posts: 574
I feel for you, my fiance has an 8 year old daughter and he told her she'd be a flower girl when we got engaged last year. I know that's probably totally normal but I SO didn't want any kids involved in the bridal party - I'm sure plenty of women will be swallowing their tongue with rage that I've said that, but each to their own.. everything about my wedding is aimed at adults, I'm just not into kids, so it's just not my cup of tea to have a flower girl. I don't know what advice to give you because the way I looked at it was that if my fiance had a son instead of a daughter, he'd be part of his "party" and that'd be understandable, but it just does feel different when someone is pushed into your bridal party. I don't see any way out of it to be honest. I think it's kind of a gesture of goodwill on your part to include her. Do you get on with her?
MrsK2be2016 Posts: 16
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CasualBride Posts: 574
I totally understand. I took a step back a few years ago, prior to that, I used to go out of my way to look after her, making sure she had good food and clothes etc, as she's always been skin and bone, and not particularly clean or well looked after at her mother's house, and it caused so many arguments between myself and my fiance because I felt like he wasn't stepping up by challenging the mother - his motto is "anything for a quiet life" which basically means not bothering to ever make an effort, so unfortunately the whole situation has tarnished everything about how I feel about the child and the mother and I find that it's just a whole lot of hassle and stress that I now stay out of. Of course I'm the wicked stepmother now in lots of peoples' eyes but hey, you have to do what's best for you and the relationship. It's very easy for his family in particular to judge you. The one thing everyone says to me is that on the day, you will be so happy and excited that you won't care who's doing what, but I do get that this is a bit different. Are you reasonably happy to have her dressed as a bridesmaid on the day, but just not to have her actually doing anything in the lead up to it, like you might with your others? It's tricky. I really don't see any way that you can leave her out of it though, just in terms of "doing the right thing" - it's annoying.
maybride2017 Posts: 232
I think you'll have to have her as bridesmaid, I don't see any way around it that wont cause a big deal, its your fiancés day aswell and he wants her up there with him, maybe move your God child to doing a reading on the day instead of being a bridesmaid? to keep the number down to 3, of if your fiancé is happy to pay the extra for a 4th bridesmaid then go with that, bridesmaid are involved as much or as little as you want. She will only be standing beside you for an hour tops so its not going to hugely effect the day, also maybe this could be an olive branch, she is a teenager, we've all been there, they are hard work!! It could bring you's closer together, best of luck with your planning :)
Smallensmall Posts: 139
I think you should probably just have her as a bridesmaid... Totally understand why you dont want to and I would be the same so it is annoying. The thing is the wedding is just one day .. and the bad feeling of not asking her will last a lot longer than that. When its all over and there is still a cloud over the fact that you didn't ask her you might wish you did just for an easy life. As one of the other girls said you dont have to involve her in everything you do... just have her there in the dress on the day. Im sure you will be so happy you wont even notice.
Noisin Posts: 448
Yeah I agree I don't know you could not have her. I think you have to have her. She is part of the package. It's not just for the day but for the future, she will he half brother sister to your kids if you have any so best to make amends and start on the right foot. Your the adult here so you have to be the bigger person. Oh to be 17 again, not!
MrsK2be2016 Posts: 16
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CasualBride Posts: 574
Oh God MrsKtobe, you've just given me a glimpse into my future. Like yours, my stepdaughter is very like her mother - I suppose it's bound to happen, they spend so much time with just one parent and one side of the family, they're basically being reared the same way as the mother was, with little influence from the paternal side. As I said, my she is only 8, but her mother has a terrible personality - I know I'll sound like the typical jealous woman for saying that, but it's true, nobody can stand to be around her and my fiance literally hates her; they were never in a relationship, it was basically a one night stand but it seems like she's never forgiven him for not being in a relationship with her and she goes out of her way to be awkward about every single thing, demanding money for things like "travel expenses" if she deigns to meet my fiance anywhere along the route to her house, and I know for certain that the child hears a lot of the phone conversations where the mother is criticising and belittling my fiance, it's so difficult for me to hear all this crap going on and then have to look after the child every second weekend. I have been saying for years that I can foresee total mayhem when the sweetness of childhood wears off and the teenage years come crashing in and what you've said there has just reinforced the belief in me that it's going to happen. Of course fiance does not see any of this, he thinks she's just a sweet little angel who can do no wrong, and he spoils her out of sheer awkwardness when she's at our house - he doesn't know what else to do with her, they don't really have much of a bond because they've never lived together or spent more than a few days together, so he doesn't actually parent her at all, just indulges her and then it's off back to Mammy for 2 weeks and that's it, his involvement is over. It's so crap for so many people involved. Obviously for the child first and foremost, but it really is a rubbish situation, I hate it.
MrsK2be2016 Posts: 16
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