cant find a solution...please help!

We've Moved!

Our wonderful discussion forums have now moved to Facebook...

Click to join us in our HIGM ("Help I'm Getting Married") group!

anon78 Posts: 20
The problem i have is that i come from a very unhappy childhood. my father has obvious mental health and alcohol problems although we were never told this....just figured it out as we became old enough to know that the way he treats my mother and us is not "normal".my father was and still is a nasty agressive man. he would roar at me and hit me for spilling my milk as a child...he would stare at me so much at dinner time that i would inevitably spill something with the nerves....i even got beaten if i fell and cut me knee and i was told i was a clumsy bit*h like my mother......i got in trouble if i didnt eat the right way, if i sneezed or coughed or banged a door... my teens were a nightmare and he dictated what i wore and everything else. he listened in on my phonecalls and i was never allowed out. he verbally and mentally abused my mother since i can remember and that broke my heart. he is a street angel- house devil and everyone he works with etc thinks he is so nice but he treated my mother like a piece of dirt and me too. the problem i have is that my mother and younger siblings still live with him mam is too afraid to leave. i have tried to get her to leave but i eventually had to get on with my own life as i was tormented with the worry of it all. he gives them a dogs life. he is extremely controlling and abusive and i still go to councelling to deal with the aftermath of his emotional abuse. i left home at 19 and have massive rows with him any time i see him which is not often. he still tries to control me and treats me like a child. its terrible to say but i hate him and dont know what to do about wedding. i really dont want him to walk me down the aisle or make a big fake speech about how close we are ( i would be physically sick) but if i dont let him do those things, he will blame my mother and take it out on her like he always does. on the day he will put on a big act in front of everyone and that will really get to me. he will go ape if i tell him he is not going to wedding or if i say i dont want him to do the father role on the day. if i have it his way , i ruin my day.....if not , i ruin my families life for months on end...either way he is controlling my wedding and causing me more worry and pain....dont know what to do! :o( i would really appreciate some advice :thnk
notlongtogo Posts: 5040
First off sorry you are in this situation. In my honest opinion (and this is just me) i would invite him to the wedding and let him have his speech. If it were me i would be worried about the backlash on my mother and siblings and you know if you refuse to allow him do this he will take it out on them. They wont enjoy the day fearing what is going to happen and neither will you. What is important is you and those closest to you know the type of man he is. Yes most of the guests will think he is the great lad, loving Father, etc and you have to be sickned by this but id try and take comfort in the fact that there will be no backlash on your family. If you refuse him he could blame your mother- say she out you up to it, etc. I know others will advise you to do what you want its your day, you need to move on and cant be worrying about your family all the time but, if it were me i couldnt do that. I have seen alcoholics ruin peoples lives, and the only way seems to be to cut them out completely but thats difficult to do when you have loved ones still within their grasp. Let him have his big act, those that are important to you know the truth and he might revel in the fact that he looks the great man but at the end of the day he knows you know thats a lie. I hope you make the right decision for you, this is a very difficult situation. Good luck.
isaidyes Posts: 168
anon78 this is soo difficult for you and i do agree with the last wollie, if you let him get on with the father role, or even hint or ask him to keep the speches short (hum in your head so not to hear him or squeese hubbies hand :) ) but in the long run you are doing this for your family mum and siblings. you are getting on with your life and well done. dont give him the satisfaction of upsetting your self about this - he doesnt deserve the time but exclusing him from the role in the long run i think also your only making life tougher for your self as people asking questions can be very very difficult too. i know its your day - and this wont change that fact dont be worring and you will be a happier bride on the day. you sound lke a lovely perosn just rememebr that and this is your good deed for your mum. best of luck :xox
SPARKS Posts: 43
Dear Anon78, Your message struck a chord with me. I grew up in the same circumstances but thankfully my mum left him. He would have killed her as the violence was getting worse week by week. However he still lives close by and I am worried about him showing up on the day..I have not spoken to him since he beat me 5 yrs ago. Although my situation is different now, I can see your predicament. For your mum's sake I would let him do what he feels he needs to on the day..Aisle walk, speech etc. You know what type of person he is but don't let yourself down by letting him know he can still affect you. This is your day and really he only will have a small part of it. Whereas if you don't let him do it you mum and family will suffer. Your mum may even enjoy the day for what it is rather than worry about your fathers reaction later on. Could you suggest both of them walk you down the aisle? As another poster said, distract yourself, grind your teeth, do whatever to take your mind of him rambling and enjoy the day knowing you have made life a little easier for your mum. I hope things work out for you :action32
Hellsbells2007 Posts: 96
Hi anon78, your story struck a cord with me too. My heart breaks for you and your family and the situation you are in. Think of the long term effect your decision will have - and choose the one you can live with. It's a really tough situation to be in but I agree with maybe asking your Mum to walk you down the aisle too. The very best of luck to you...... and your Mum and siblings! :action32
anon78 Posts: 20
thanks for all the replies and advice girls! :thnk i know its not an easy post to advise on cos its complicated but i agree that i cant put my family through any more pain than they already have to deal with day to day with that tyrant. some day ill be able to cut all ties with him and thats what is keeping me going. untill then im going to do lots of councelling and try heal the wounds and reclaim my power (sorry i sound like dr. phil now !!! :o0 :o0 ) i am a strong believer in karma....what you put out there (good or bad) will come back to you.....
Faireez Posts: 973
Just been reading ur post and all the replies you got. My heart went out to you and your family. I just wanted to say how strong and brave you are being and that I really admire youfor being able to talk about this. Don't know what else to say to you but the best of luck with whichever path you take and congrats on the wedding.
Hellsbells2007 Posts: 96
anon78, agree completely with you about Karma! You know the boards are always here when you want a good rant! Take Care! :action32 :action32 :action32 :action32 :action32 :action32 :action32