Confused by my feelings re mc & friends pregnancy

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gbirishgirl Posts: 246
I suffered a miscarriage late last year - although the baby was not planned, hubby and I were thrilled but then devastated when we lost it at 10 weeks. My best friend called a couple of weeks ago to let me know that she and her husband are pregnant with their first. She was nervous of how I would react, knowing how hard it was for me to deal with the miscarriage. Happy as I am for them, part of me is finding it hard to share in her excitement as it feels that she is somehow shoving their success in our faces and I sometimes feel she is being quite insensitive (comments such as "the doctor said we were really fertile") and so on. Hubby and I are TTC again now but to an extent, will never get over our loss last year. While I don't expect everyone else's lives to stand still, I'm finding it hard to strike the balance between my feelings for my friends pregnancy, and the residual feelings from my miscarriage. Have any of you out there experienced anything similar?
MrsGC Posts: 27
Hi gbirishgirl, I'm really sorry to hear about your m/c last year. I can't say I know what you're going through but I didn't want to read and not reply. We're ttc since October last year but no luck so far. I had a bit of trouble with my cycles which meant that from November until now we didn't even have the chance to try. Things only back to normal this week so back to ttc again - yay!!! Since we started trying a few friends have had babies, another has announced she's pregnant plus another couple of girls in work also expecting and I can't help but be soooo jealous of them. I am happy for them too but I just want to be in the same situation myself. I have to keep telling myself that they haven't become pregnant to annoy me - they have just been luckier than us and it's happened for them a bit quicker I'm sure your friend isn't meaning to upset you purposely. I guess all you can do is keep trying and I hope it happens soon for you. xx
gbirishgirl Posts: 246
Thanks Mrs GC. I've posted a lot on WOL over the past couple of years while planning my wedding (although for this I'm using a new name as you can see) and I really appreciate the advice of my fellow WOL-ers... I've really been struggling with my feelings on this one as I'm not (usually) a jealous person and am quite ashamed of some of my feelings... I guess I just wanted to get some feedback/a kick in the bum (as appropriate) and sometimes just acknowledging your feelings can go a long way to helping address them. Best of luck to you as you TTC - enjoy!
corkrebel Posts: 744
As with Mrs GC, I have not been in the same situation as you GB....but we have been TTC for the past 5 months ...yo uassume that it is going ot happen so easily for you ... and last week my best friend announced her pregnancy ....I cried for her I was so happy but there was also a little part of me that had a stab of jealousy....but that has passed now and I am so thrilled for my best friend ... and I know that it will happen in time for me and my hubby ...and please God it will happen again for you.... best of luck ...and think of all the fun that you will have while TTC!!!!
SiobhanOliverSoprano Posts: 3150
Hiya. I think I'm probably the elder lemon on here (I'm 39)! I had a miscarriage 17 years ago after my first child. I miscarried at 12 weeks and was devastated - it's amazing how quickly you become attached to this little person. I think some people don't realise that you're actually going though a grieving process and sometimes make comments without thinking. I doubt if she means to be insensitive but we all get wrapped up in our own little worlds and forget what others are going through. Can you not say it to her that while you're really happy for them you're finding it a bit difficult at the moment to be over enthusiastic and maybe she could cool it while she's around you. It's difficult for others to understand the empty feeling after a miscarriage if they haven't been through it themselves and sometimes they just need a gentle reminder that whilst they're overjoyed - you are suffering a bit at the same time. 17 years later and I still remember the date the baby would have been born but having said that if I hadn't miscarried I wouldn't have my son now as he was born 11 months later and he's great! Good luck. Al :)
Glan Posts: 199
I can totally understand how you are feeling - I suffered an ectopic preg 5 weeks ago (was 8 weeks pregnant) & lost my right tube. It was our first try & we were delighted, then to be totally devastated. My best friend is 5 months pregnant & sometimes I feel she can be quite insensitive but is she really???????? or am I just very raw at the moment. She complains about being "so fat" & when I am talking to her she constently rubs her belly. But when I think about it she is just being normal. I think people don't understand how hard it is to get over the loss until you have been through it yourself. No one metions it to me anymore & some days I would like to talk about my fears etc. It is hard not to be envious & hurt but I am told it will get better. I am so excited for her & the upcoming birth but also dreading it in a way. Best of luck to you & your hubby & I hope everything works out for you in the future.
MrsSan Posts: 475
gbirishgirl - I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I can totally understand what you are going through, I also suffered a m/c back in early November of last year, myself and dh found it devastating and will always remember our little angel. Soon after our loss my friend emailed me to tell me that she was 9 wks pregnant, I was gutted and just burst into tears at my desk (although happy for her at the same time). She said that she wanted to tell me first as she knew it would hurt. Since then her and another friend tell me everything about her pregnancy, i.e. details of the scan etc. Recently she found out what gender her baby will be and told me (not what the gender is but that she wanted to know) – I felt really hurt and kept thinking how the gender of the baby was so important to her and all I want is a healthy baby! She went on holidays recently also and text me to say that she had to buy new clothes as she’s not fitting into her normal clothes. Each time I hear from her I feel like crying, I am happy for her as she is a lovely girl but I just can’t help feeling that she’s completely insensitive but I do realise that you can’t possibly know what a person is going through unless you have been there yourself so really she can’t understand how I’m feeling. Mind yourself and take each day as it comes, if you feel like chatting feel free to pm me anytime x
MrsC2B Posts: 500
I'm truly sorry to hear about your miscarriage and not having been through it can only try to imagine your sense of loss. I just want to put forward my view from the opposite side. We're expecting our first child in a few months and of course we're thrilled to say the least, particularly as I've had an ovary & tube removed so was unsure of my ability to conceive in the first place. I have a SIL who had a m/c this time last year and a best friend who has been TTC for past 6 months so am aware of the emotional pain that surrounds both. While I know it must be hard for one or the other to hear of a pregnancy, it is also hurtful to be pregnant and have somebody close to you completely ignore/avoid discussing your pregnancy because of their own pain. This has been the case with my SIL who doesn't make any reference to it and tends to change the subject to her own kids when anybody else does. DH is from a small family and SIL is the only one of them with kids already, everything revolves around her children and different events in their lives and we all get involved, particularly my DH. She's arranged for them all to be away on hols when our little one arrives, :cry: a bit strange I thought and I was hurt for DH as he'll appreciate support when the little one arrives, particularly while I'm still in hospital. I know it must be hard given she has suffered a m/c in the past but I expected her to be a little happier for us in spite of her own circumstances. Maybe I am being unreasonable? I do hope that I would act differently in same circumstances but I know it is hard to say.
kirsten Posts: 146
gbirishgirl I think it's totally normal to feel like you do. After a miscarriage everything baby related hurts and everyone seems to be announcing their good news. I was annoyed at one of my friends for asking me when we are going to start a family and she didn't even know that I had been pregnant. People just don't think about what they're saying and if they did then they might say a bit less. Your friend probably doesn't mean to be insensitive and tbh she probably didn't realise that talking about how fertile they are (can't believe a doctor would actually say that but anyway...) would upset you. It wouldn't occur to me that it would bother anyone except someone who was struggling ttc. Of course you're happy for your friends but it's hard for you. Hopefully with time things will get better for you. MrsC2B. One of my friends has been ttc for years, I couldn't begin to imagine how she feels every month and I'm sure she couldn't imagine what having a miscarriage is like, I'll be really happy for her if there's some good news but I'll be sad for me too. Don't be too hard on your SIL, she might be really hurting and ignoring all things baby related is her way of dealing with it. You say you hope you would react differently but you just don't know how you will feel. I'm sure in time she'll come around when she's over her own loss.
bibikay Posts: 644
Hi gbirishgirl, I think mixed up emotions are just part and parcel of life - there's always going to be someone who feels left out/hurt/sad because of someone else's happy news. I know exactly how you feel - I too had m/c at 10 weeks in Sept, and then few weeks later a very good friend of mine told me that she was pregnant, and her due date was 1st April... which was my EXACT due date!!!! I got such a hop, and of course, I got upset and started blubbering and she didn't know what prob was until I told her. While yes, of course I was delighted for her, at same time I couldn't help but be sad deep inside just thinking of my own loss. It's not her fault, and she is entitled to her happiness, and I just try my best to separate the two events.. it will be hard again when I hear from her in a few weeks time announcing the birth of her little one, and yes I will shed a few tears thinking "that could have/should have been me", but like I said, it's all part of the cycle of life. Sometimes we're up, sometimes we're down. Don't beat yourself up about your mixed feelings, but at same time, try to realise that she's not being insensitive, or deliberately hurtful, she's just experiencing a momentous life event for her, which happens to be a happy one, whereas you are still trying to deal with a different life event which happens to be a sad event. I'm sure her silly comments about fertility etc are just part of the giddiness that comes with the excitement of being pregnant. As it turns out, I am now in the reverse position as well - I am 12 weeks pregnant but another friend of mine lost a tube through ectopic in November, and another friend of mine is just starting down a course of IVF, so the shoe is on the other foot when I'm speaking with those girls. I try to be sensitive to their feelings as I know what it's like, but at same time, just like I'm entitled to my sad feelings thinking of the little angel who was due on April 1st, I am also entitled to my happy feelings thinking of the little one who is due at end of September. I found what worked for me was to be totally up front with my friend about my mixed feelings - I assured her that of course I was so happy for her, but I also explained about my own sadness... we had a great ol' chat, and talked about her happiness and also my sadness and it just meant there was no lingering resentment or biterness. Good luck as you deal with your loss bibikay
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