Do parents have much input into the wedding??

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stinkle Posts: 142
Hi there, hope this is the right forum! Just wondering how much of an input your families had/have in your weddings? We've very little planned at the moment, but a good few ideas. A few weeks back my FMIL took the hump when she found out it's gonna be a civil ceremony. We've no actual plans on that front, just neither of us want a religious wedding - it's something we agreed on long before we got engaged, and indeed long before I met my H2B! Long story short, I think she basically just feels a bit left out of the plans (despite the fact we've actually nothing set in stone, honest!!!). The civil ceremony issue was abit of a bombshell for her and I guess whatever notions she had of her son's big day have gone up in smoke. I can understand this totally, she has no daughters and probably thinks me and my folks are having a whale of a time talking non-stop wedding (no such thing!). H2B's dad rang him on the sly and suggested he involve his mum more re:planning. But eh, I have no idea how to go about this - we have a couple of ideas about venue/reception for instance, is it bad form to start booking stuff ourselves or should we be asking parents opinions etc from the start? A As far as we're concerned we're paying for the wedding ourselves so have a limited budget too. I would imagine parents might offer some kind of contribution (it was mentioned by both sets randomly), but I'm determined to pay our own way. Am anxious to start planning asap, but don't want to offend anyone either.
CarolinaMoon Posts: 2431
Its really up to you tbh. We didn't announce our engagement until we had booked the church and the venue and so neither set of parents had an input there. We pretty much just booked things as we went along and no one demanded anything from us. MIL2B has no daughters and I know she felt left out when BIL2T was getting married so I have done what I can - provided her with brochures, told her what we had done and why, invited her to come dress shopping, told her what flowers etc we were having but she had no more or less say than my mother on stuff - OH and I just did it ourselves. The one thing they wanted to be sure of was that there would be menu choices at the meal because there hadn't been at BIL2B's wedding. She was happy once she was told there would be - also they were allowed to invite friends etc.
mrsmoo2202 Posts: 1930
Hi, ours aren't having imput as such, my mams not fussed as she's done 3 weddings already! But like yours, my FMIL has no daughters, and it's their 1st family wedding, so we've been trying to include them as much as possible, they came to see our venue, hear the band, FMIL came looking at dresses with me etc, now we were going ahead with what we wanted no matter what, but theyre delighted to feel included!
highbeam Posts: 2578
We booked our venues ourselves, I think that needs to be something you do together. But when it was booked one evening I brought my MIL over to see the room and have a drink in the hotel. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said the grooms mother can feel left out as men arent as good as passing on the info, but the bride doesnt spend all day every day booking or talking about the wedding like they seem to think. Maybe find something you could include her in. I asked mine to come with me when I was choosing the flowers to try to include her and she was delighted. Im not sure what your MIL is like but some can be very pushy so if you cave at the first hurdle they can take advantage the whole way through wedding planning. Mine has been great and I didnt mind asking her to help with some things or showing her what i picked for invites or bm dresses.
hadtoleave Posts: 2522
Neither of our parents had any real input in our wedding. My mam wouldn’t really pass much heed or want much to do with it as long as we have arranged a few country music songs for them to dance to for the evening she is happy. She hasn’t realy asked for any input at all which is good because we planned the whole thing ourselves, we are paying for it ourselves and are very much having the day that we want. Likewise his parents have had no input in the wedding either although his mam would like to have some. Like you I am sure she thinks my mam has been involved in everything and we sit around talking about the wedding all the time but she hasn’t at all and we don't talk about it that much! From my experience asking people’s opinions is asking for trouble. If you haven’t anything booked or decided upon, then everyone will want to give their 2 cents, whereas if you tell everyone that that plans are made and this is what you are doing they are much more likely to wheel in behind you and say that is a great idea. Personally I wouldn’t be asking anyone’s opinion or involving anyone else if you want to have the day that you and your H2B want.
Jomcodoodle Posts: 284
My fmil wants to come to every single venue viewing, wants brochures on all of them, told us what the menu should be to please guests, etc. Freaked when she heard we were thinking of waterford because its far for her, etc, her father only comments on the price of things and usually ends the sentences with well if its what you want and what you can pay for then ok, his wife is a fcuking disaster though. She wants to do everything!!! Wants about fifty invites for her friends, and if fmil in love does one thing with us then ffil's wife wants to do three. My parents couldn't give a shit thought, they'll just turn up on the day and make no comment at all
stinkle Posts: 142
thanks for the replies! Yeah my own mum said she'd be a bit left out if it was my brother getting married - I guess that's normal for mother of the groom! I really like my FMIL, so already thought about dress shopping etc. And have met a good few of their friends and pretty much the whole family so that's grand too (I hope! We kinda want a small wedding so will try to keep numebrs down without causing offence...) I'll bear it in mind not to let anyone have any more input than my own folks - which is solid advice! I'm well able to tell my own gang to back off, and my dad has warned my mother not to interfere :o0 . Am just unsure of how much input she wants - this all came out after the "civil ceremony bombshell", so whether she just felt left out or wants to criticise all our choices is yet to be discovered! I'm reluctant to give out too much info and risk being upset too I guess. Once we have a few things booked it'll be exciting again I hope. The flowers idea is genius! I know what I want but she might enjoy looking. And whoever said that men are bad at passing on info is spot on, and my OH is DREADFUL at that!
Anne Cordelia Shirley Posts: 4731
Ours didn't. We made a lot of plans before telling them we'd gotten engaged, like civil ceremony, numbers, dates, locations, things like that. We had saved for our wedding so we didn't ask or expect either family to contribute, and apart from small things (mum paid for flowers for us, but we only had bridal bouquets and a small arrangment for the ceremony) we paid for everything. We offered them evening invites for their friends and we decided which relatives to ask. We organised our own ceremony and venue. My parents were happy enough to take a back seat, his parents had had a lot of input into their daughter's wedding and I think it took them a while to realise we were happy to do things ourselves. I echo the point about telling people not asking them. My mum made a few noises about not having a church wedding but the decision was made so I paid no heed, and DH had a few such moments with his parents, but as we held firm they realised we were making decisions about our day so putting pressure on us to change plans wouldn't work. Maybe you could go shopping with MIL for her outfit, or even look at a few online? My MIL didn't want to clash with my mum so asked for my advice on this and we had a nice time looking at bits. Also DH got his dad to organise accomodation for relatives on their side as we didn't marry in a hotel, so he felt involved.
FrenchToast Posts: 433
Well we are organising our wedding at home from abroard so it can be hard. We had more of less booked the venue, church and priest before we discussed it with both sets of parents. Had no issues here thankfully. We were home on Hols and it was all wedding talk by everyone. Which is greta to know that everyone is excited but no way we could stick it for a year so we are happy to plod along over here with bits. Thankfully i got shopping with my Mum has I had it narrowed down to 2 dresses and she got to see them both on me at home. We sent both Mums to the Wedidng fair in the Hotel which they enjoyed and gave us loads of feedback. Then we had our food tasting and brought both sets of parents. Apart form that we mention things, prob more me to my Mum in fairness but its all going grand. I was worried my Mum would miss out a bit with me not being at hoem so making an effort to keep her up todate. Have a long way to go yet and my FMIL is known to have her strong opinions, I've already heard a few 'Well you have to have' we don't. We are both happy to make our decisions together and stick with them so its a team effort.
Whoop2012 Posts: 11
I have involved my mam in everything. Call or text her photos all the time-she loves it as I am an only daughter and only granddaughter on her side. I'd say she will be sick of it by the time June comes round but I like bouncing ideas and plans off her. *)