Don't Feel like I can cope

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SaraD08 Posts: 1795
Ladies, I had to write this down before I freak out, there isnt a "im going to go mental section" on WOL so i dont know where else to post this. im not even expecting anyone to respond. I was going to go anon for this one but at this stage I don’t care. ;o( My mum was diagnosed 5 months ago with Cancer, she passed away 11 days ago at home with my sister and I by her side. She was 58. The last 5 months have been a blur of hospital appointments, hospital stays, procedures, tests, chemo, ports, stents, infections, more tests, more scans and more infections all for nothing she still died. She suffered horrendously over the past 5 months, and I could do nothing to help her. She never gave out or gave up hope…. She never cried (although I must admit I made up for that) or felt sorry for herself… even 3 days before she passed away I got very upset and she took my hand and comforted me… it should have been the other way around. When she was diagnosed I researched her type of cancer and I knew from day one she wouldn’t be able to make it, BUT I never actually thought she would die. Each night when my house phone rings my first thought is “is that mam calling?”… I can’t call her now, can’t text her, nothing. Everything reminds me of her what I have now lost. My HB has been great over the last 5 months as best he can, his father also has cancer but please god he will be ok. I have spent the last 5 months with my mam (as did my sister) and by her side every day, every hospital appointment, most nights… and now nothing. I just can’t cope, Im now back in work 2 days and I just can’t think straight. I feel like a part of me died with her and I will never be the same again, it’s like she never existed at all… I know life has to go on and people have to move on but I just can’t accept what has happened to her and how much she suffered over the last 5 months. I feel so angry (at god I suppose) over what happened to her. We didn’t always see eye to eye but she was a good person and she had already suffered enough over the last 11 years minding my Dad who suffered a major stroke…. Hadn’t she suffered enough?? No…. he (God or whoever – im not even religious) had to finish her right off.. God sorry rant over… I didn’t mean to waffle so long.
Carriedaway Posts: 1863
so sorry to hear about your loss sarad. What you are feeling is a natural reaction to grief, have you thought about going to some grief counselling? I haven't been through this myself but just reading your post brought a tear to my eye. If it helps you just keep venting on here. Sorry i cant be of anymore help but if you just want to vent at us go ahead :action32 :action32
BertRaccoon Posts: 321
I'm so, so sorry for your loss Sara. I don't think there's anything that anyone can say to make you feel better but I imagine that what you're feeling right now is completely normal. Your grief must be still very raw after just 11 days, especially having looked after your Mum for the past 5 months which must have consumed your whole life. I'm sure no matter what you think that you helped her to stay strong right up to the end. As carriedaway suggested would you maybe think of going for some grief counselling to try and make some sense of all the emotions and feelings that you are experiencing at the moment? I hope you're okay - you should lean on everyone around as much as you need right now. And rant away whenever you like :action32 :action32
Mad Mod Posts: 1079
You've been through so much and you're not just going to magically get over it in a short space of time. Don't be hard on yourself. When you feel like you can't cope, there is help available to you. Take advantage of it. Best wishes.
Anahita Posts: 1161
So sorry for your loss Sara, it's all still very new and raw I'm sure. What you're feeling is totally normal so try remember that, you'll go through a whole range of emotions over the next while. Did you feel ready to go back to work? Maybe you need it to help keep you mind occupied but at the same time maybe you need more time off to process everything. Would this be an option? I think counselling would certainly help, I don't know if you'd feel ready now but it's something to think about. Take care of yourself, and don't be afraid to talk, I think that's a really important thing at this time.
mamasarus Posts: 831
God Sara, i didnt want to read & not reply. I dont really know what to say except I am so sorry for your loss. You can feel the grief through your words. It must be utterly devasting to lose your mum so suddenly. It sounds like the 5 months of her short illness were such a rollercoaster for you all emotionally and now you are expected to just go back to work, get back to normal. Is there any chance you can take a little more time off? Or do you think that would help? Or could you plan a special day out for your mum this weekend, say visit somewhere she would like, plant a flower in her memory or something? Its so so sad for you that you are going through this. It must be so tough to try and get through the day in work. You will have to lean on your DH now and try and talk through your grief. It will help and you will heal but dont think you are expected to forget your mum. Its still very early days and be gentle with yourself. Take care :action32
MiniMeonBoard Posts: 6208
Oh god Sara im so so sorry for your loss :action32 :action32 I cant imagine how devasted you are. Your mum only passed away 11 days ago. You are still grieving and the anger is very raw at the minute. You have spent the last 5 months looking after your mum and going through alot of emotions. You had that to occupy you so of course you just cant go back to life as normal now. What you are feeling is normal. I think the councelling would help you to be able to talk through with a professional. Take care of yourself and we are always here if you need to talk :action32
ninja next Posts: 1548
My heart breaks for you reading this Sara. I'm so so sorry for your loss. Not feeling able to cope is totally normall its all so raw. This last few months must have been a nightmare for you and your family. I know theres some girls on here who've lost thier mum so they might be able to give you proper advice. :action32 :action32
under construction Posts: 3458
So sorry for your loss, i have no words that are going to comfort you and i dont know how i would copy in your situation. As the others say it must still be very raw for you - i would think its very normal to be feeling the way you are as it sounds like a very stressful / emotional 5 months. Maybe take some more time of work and think about grief counselling? Sorry i know i am no help at all here :o(
Bazinga T McBinkers Posts: 4718
I really don't know what to say Sara, other than that I am so sorry for your loss. Your grief brought a tear to my eye. Take comfort in the fact you both were there with her when the time came. She was surrounded by love. She sounds like she was a strong woman. Please do not feel guilty about her comforting you, for that brief time she was doing so, she wasn't someone who had cancer, she was a mummy. It would have been a relief for her to fall into her old role and feel herself again. Take your time to be upset, it's still very new and raw, the loss of a parent is a horrible heart breaking time. Beat up a pillow, scream and shout. Be angry. It is great your husband is supporting you as you need it. Let him comfort you. Take your time at it, you did your best and she knows it. Give Cody a big cuddle when you get home and maybe take him for a long walk to just have time to think. You have my deepest condolences.