Expectations of Bridesmaids

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Jawl Posts: 8881
Hi Girls, Just wondering (after reading a few different threads over the months, my own included) what do you expect of your BM's? I don't expect them to dedicate between now and the wedding to me and my plans. I fully realise, it's only truly exciting to me. What I do expect is.............. - They make an effort to try to be there for BM dress trying on/fitting/alterations. Dresses are here now, so it's just next year I'd expect them to be available (not at the drop of a hat either though, I'll give plenty notice. - Be enthusiastic as much as possible. Although I wouldn't talk weddings with them the whole time. - Attend or at least make an effort to attend the hen weekend. - Help calm my nerves, and getting me ready on the day, just be there for me basically. Tho I won't be making any diva like demands! :wv - Make an effort at the reception to get people up dancing and make it as fun a night as possible. IE don't sit there being a dry balls or crying drunkenly in the corner :wv
lux Posts: 6270
Hi Jawl, I posted a thread about this a while ago in off topic as I was AMAZED at the number of threads about BMs not organising hen nights (eh, if I want a hen its up to me to organise it), not going wedding dress shopping (its my dress, if my sister can come shopping or not that's up to her, I can make up my own mind!), not doing lots of tasks close to the day and on it goes. Here is what I expect: For her to be at the ceremony location 15 mins before with me, walk up the aisle first, sign the register and pose in photos. That is it. I don't expect her to spend ages looking for a dress for her-I saw one in Debenhams, emailed a picture and she likes it, so if its reduced in the winter sale I'll buy it. I'm paying for hair, makeup, mani and pedi as a thank you. I don't care if her hair is an upstyle or straight, whatever she feels best in. I don't expect her to organise my hen or even attend it, TBH, as she doesn't know my friends that well and my night (dinner and cocktails in the Sugar Club is what I'm thinking) would be far too tame for her and TBH I think she'd be bored. So if she wants to come, cool, if not, I've friends to party with anyway. I don't expect her to do endless looking at flowers/my dress (went with mum and sister to see it, going back on my own this Saturday, if I still like it I'll get it myself)/discuss every detail. I've told her hair and makeup is sorted, she's happy with that. I know it sounds strange but we are quite close and I am VERY happy she will be my BM as last year she was misdiagnosed with stage 4 cancer so I know how lucky I am to have her. Also, I need her to sign the register and hold my emergency kit while the photos are being done. I certainly want her to have a good time and she knows she is free to party once the speeches are done at our drinks reception!
chrystal Posts: 863
My expectations; Help me find my dress - this was done in the first shop we visited and ordered. Help me find her dress - this was done, her choice and is ordered. Attend dress fittings next year when suitable for both of us. Help choose jewellery and accessories for us both which she is very happy to do. Attend a pamper day for us both on the week of the wedding which will include nails, tans etc if she wants them done. My treat to her. She has offered to stay with me the night before the wedding so I am delighted with that. Help me get ready the morning of the wedding to put on dress and shoes etc and keep me calm, which I have no doubt she will be great at. Walk down the ailse before me and help me move around at the alter when sitting, standing etc. Sign register. Smile for a few photos. Help me keep makeup in check and similar small things. Enjoy the role and for us both to be able to chat along the journey of any anxieties or issues that arise. My role: To make it as stress free and enjoyable an experience for her as I hope it continues to be for me.
OConnell2b Posts: 102
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dancerformoney Posts: 2733
i think that being asked to be a BM is an honour and i definately understand why some ppl get put out if they dont show SOME interest in the wedding! my Bms were brilliant! always there to talk to, always willing and ready to wear or try anything on! I am in uk and they went off in dublin and tried dresses on and let me know sizes etc. one went and got shoes for them both! they both organised the hen!! and it was a brilliant weekend! they did exactly what i wanted and i had a fab time! they both wroked a week of nights before the wedding so they had the whole week off 'to help you out', were their words!! they both travelled up from country 45mins-hour for both to come to rehersal. one collected my unmade flowers, brought them to her mams and helped her to 'do' my flowers!! they both brought sparkling wine, OJ, chip and dip etc etc to my house the evening before and we had a chinese and a great night. they helped with EVERYTHING on the day, they kept me calm and really took the brunt of everything on their shoulders (nothing happened but i know they had my back!!) they did everything and more and i am delighted i picked them to be my bridesmaid. As far as i am concerned, they made my day run smoothly, they stayed on the dancefloor all night and were the last to go to bed at 5.30!! hubby and i went at 1.15!! thye helped me with my dress when i needed it, they came to the toilet with me and they made sure i looked fab all day!! I really believe that it is the Bms 'job' to make sure everything runs well for bride and to take the strain away from her! alot of what my bms did i never asked them to do but what they DID do was take the strain from me and therefore job well done!! I had organised my wedding to within an inch of its life and didnt need any help with that aspect but with regard to what i needed from tjhem, they defianately delivered!! anyone can sign a register, it takes a special person to be a BM!!
lux Posts: 6270
[quote="PrivateDancer":2u1mf6wn]i think that being asked to be a BM is an honour and i definately understand why some ppl get put out if they dont show SOME interest in the wedding! I really believe that it is the Bms 'job' to make sure everything runs well for bride and to take the strain away from her! alot of what my bms did i never asked them to do but what they DID do was take the strain from me and therefore job well done!! I had organised my wedding to within an inch of its life and didnt need any help with that aspect but with regard to what i needed from tjhem, they defianately delivered!! anyone can sign a register, it takes a special person to be a BM!![/quote:2u1mf6wn] I disagree, but I do think a lot of brides seem to expect what your BMs did voluntarily and I think that's what makes a difference. My sister has come dress shopping and made a few suggestions about things which were good ideas. However, I did not expect her to do that and I would not be complaining if she had not done them. I would be really helpful if asked to be a BM, I would not consider it an honour, but I would happily attend dress shopping and all the rest. However, if I was not into it and a bride was having a hissy fit because I did not want to trawl around dress shops or attend many wedding-related things, I would think such a bride had unrealistic expectations and needed a wedding planner, rather than a BM. I think SO many of the threads about problems with BMs arise because either party is not clear about expectations from the start or expects too much. If someone doesn't know what the bride expects or the bride is being too demanding of someone she wants in her bridal party, the BM can hardly be blamed. Signing the register is extremely important to me, BTW, as its the real marriage and I really want my sister to witness it. It means much more to be than helping with my dress or having the rescue remedy on standby.
MrsBraxton Posts: 4662
My sister was my bridesmaid and she was fantastic. I never expected a huge amount from her to be honest, she works crazy long hours and wouldn't have expected her to do anything extra for wedding! She came with me to look at dress and then came again for final fitting and so lady in shop could show her how to do up the corset at back. She organised my hen night and had fab night. I gave everyones email address to her and she organised it all. In the lead up to the wedding she was great just in regards to emailing/texting/phoning to see how things were going and was there anything she could do. On day of wedding she organised guest book to be passed round during dinner, got people together for photos, got people moving from one area to another for different parts of reception, and then herself and my cousin went up to our room in the hotel and put rose petals on the bed and tidied up the room (was a bomb site from getting ready earlier that day! and left guest book on bed for us to read. it is an honour to be asked to be bridesmaid but its not their wedding so no one should expect a bridesmaid to be as excited/consumed by wedding as bride is! Would nevre have expected her to be all about my wedding way before it was happening and obvuiously as it got nearer it was more and more part of conversation and in fairness to her she really showed an interest in every aspect of the wedding but if she didn't theres no way I would have been offfended!
dancerformoney Posts: 2733
Lux, anyone can sign the register. literally! you could have asked your sister to do it without her being a BM. then you wouldnt have had to get a dress or pay for anything to say thanks. and your sister would have still wtinessed the marriage. Sorrentobride, yeah i wouldnt have expected them to be all consumed, but i think most are generally interested to some extent. your sister sounded like a great help to you on the day!
lux Posts: 6270
[quote="PrivateDancer":1qap06bo]Lux, anyone can sign the register. literally! you could have asked your sister to do it without her being a BM. then you wouldnt have had to get a dress or pay for anything to say thanks. and your sister would have still wtinessed the marriage. Sorrentobride, yeah i wouldnt have expected them to be all consumed, but i think most are generally interested to some extent. your sister sounded like a great help to you on the day![/quote:1qap06bo] I know anyone over 18 can sign the register, but for me the signing of the register is the most important part of the day and a significant moment in life as it is when I will be married to my husband and I am very happy she will be my witness to that. For me, it was not a case of getting anyone to sign it, I wanted HER to sign it. I want her, the same way other brides want certain people to be a BM, so why would you lump a whole load of expectations onto someone you have asked to share your day? TBH I don't feel I've conferred the title of BM on her at all, she's my witness to my marriage more than a bridesmaid-that's how I view her role. She might as well get a nice dress out of it!
dancerformoney Posts: 2733
i think your expectations are different of your sister as a witness to your marriage to some of us here who are looking for the whole package of BM. when i mean ANYONE, i dont mean anyone over 18, like someone off the street. i mean it doesnt have to be a bm, it can be sister mother etc and you have chosen your sister. I wanted my best friend to sign as it was important to me too and i wanted a bm so i got 2 for 1 really! it looks like ppl have all different expectations of ppl in their wedding day, be it in an official capacity or not. we'll have to agree to disagree Lux.