Feeling like I want to elope!!!!

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ModernMrs Posts: 28
I feel really down. I am getting married next year and I just feel like packing everything in and just eloping. Basically my mother is being so obnoxious, rude and she doesn't even support anything I say or do. Before I got engaged, she was telling me that I should get engaged (like it was my decision) and she seemed like she was super excited. I eventually got engaged and her whole attitude changed towards it. Now I am not unreasonable, I know that my wedding isn't the be all and end all and I don't expect everyone to be thinking about it 24/7 or even really at all. The day after I got engaged, she tried to persuade me not to ask the person that is my MOH, to be my MOH because in her words 'She won't be there for you, she will make it all about her!'. As I have no friends, I only have picked a couple of my family members to be in my bridal party and it was making me uncomfortable that she had a really bad attitude about it. I didn't listen to her and I picked her anyways (MOH has been brilliant. Really been there for me) but anytime I mention the word wedding to my mother, she changes the subject to something about her. I have looked into getting some things for the wedding decor and she has had nothing but negative things to say about it. We ended up having an argument over the flowers I want and she told me she wasn't going to my wedding. She isn't on speaking terms with my MOH and and when my MOH started planning my Hen's, my mother is now so disinterested she even said that she 'didn't have to go'. I am just so worn out about the whole thing. I can't even enjoy the wedding planning process. I can't even say the word wedding without there being sly digs and things just being put down all the time. Sorry for the long post, but I just had to get it out :o(
Lorenna Posts: 57
You poor thing :( I know exactly how you feel. I hear from my mother at least once per week that she isn't coming to my wedding. Latest was last night because we said we wanted to get melon instead of chicken for the starter and she said we can't because she won’t eat the chicken because it has mushrooms so we have to get melon. When I told her no she freaked out and began screaming and saying I'm not going blah blah. Now I've had to add on a choice for starter just to please her. I've already paid 10 extra to add on beef as a choice for main because she wouldn't eat any of the main options either. She stormed out of the florist because I said I didn't want freesias and wanted lily's. She wasn't going to come to my hen because we were going to invite my aunt and she hates her (Dad's sister). She told me before she wasn't going to be a member of my bridal party or get ready with us on the morning of the wedding because we said we didn't want to have a rehearsal dinner. My groom's family are American but we told them it just isn't done here. My groom doesn't even want one because traditionally the grooms parents should pay and his parents wanted us to have one but he said really they wouldn't be able to afford it on top of flights it would put them into debt so we said we just didn't want one so as not to make it awkward because we know nobody will let us pay for it. My mother freaked out about it, I don't even know why. My parent's aren't even paying for my wedding or anything but she is literally trying to take over everything and any time I tell her no she freaks out and acts like a child who isn't getting their own way. My Dad isn't getting involved but just keeps saying its your day do what you want just tell her no in a nice way, but even if I try she still freaks out and screams and throws a tantrum and tries to tell everyone how nasty I am. We actually did the legal paperwork for the wedding already a few months ago but never had a ceremony, we had to for my groom for immigration he was able to come here right away and work straight away. We knew we would have our wedding day after he came. I sometimes feel like we would have been better off not bothering with a wedding day and leaving it as it is, but nobody knows we completed the paper work yet. I know its hard, but you just have to put your foot down and say no. It's our day and we will do it the way we want. It's really wearing me down and I'm not even looking forward to it now to be honest I just want it to be over. In the end though I will enjoy it, and our mothers will come anyway, they won't not come over stupid things. Stay strong!!!
CasualBride Posts: 574
Aw girls, I'm gutted to hear your stories - I thought my mother was bad cos she's just old and grumpy and never really has anything good to say about most things, but thank God I didn't have anything like the stress that you two have.. that's unforgivable now to be honest, it sounds like pure jealousy on their part, which is just bizarre, but it's 100% what it sounds like. I hate to say this because I am the biggest feminist you'll ever meet, but there are an awful lot of Irish Mammies who clearly resent the heck out of EVERYone that has a "better" life than them. I feel so bad for ye. Is there any way that ye can just not talk to them about your plans; just accept that they're not capable of being happy for other people, including their own daughter, and just stop trying to "do the right thing" by including them in things. They don't deserve to be included with that attitude and maybe it would give them a reality check if you stopped pandering to them, and just got on with your plans without bothering to tell them anything. And I know you will enjoy the day regardless, but you shouldn't have to put up with months of negativity in the meantime. It's not on.
ModernMrs Posts: 28
Thanks for the response's :lvs I shouldn't say that I am glad that I am not the only one that feels like this because it is so hard. I usually get on well with my mam, but this has really put a huge strain on our relationship. We are paying for it all ourselves too and we are going all out and I really hate that I can't share things with her. I also feel bad for my OH because he is just so amazing and I hate saying that I wish we could elope because he has a great relationship with his family and it's his day too and I feel like I am dragging him down :( I am dreading dress shopping because my mam has a different style to me. We went to one of the wedding shows and I was looking at dresses I liked, she was like 'no it's horrible' and because I said, It's my style she called me a bridezilla in front of everyone in the booth. I suppose I have to just try and not let it get to me. <3 <3
CasualBride Posts: 574
Are you going to continue to include her and bring her dress shopping? I brought one friend shopping with me, to be honest, it didn't really cross my mind to go with my mother, I don't think I realised that it was "a thing" until afterwards!! But I wouldn't have brought her anyway - we just don't have that kind of relationship and she's elderly, so wouldn't like any of the dresses - when I showed her the one I bought, she barely commented, but seemed to kind of make a face, and that drove me mad, so I only shared details with her when it suited me after that - if I felt like I was in the mood to listen to anything she could potentially find fault with, I chatted away, but otherwise I just carried on and did my thing without really sharing it with anyone. As you said, we paid for things ourselves, so it was no different - in my eyes - than if we were throwing any other sort of party.. I felt it was my thing, I did it, I didn't try to get enthusiasm or interest from anyone else cos it IS disappointing and hurtful when people that are close to you have an attitude.
ModernMrs Posts: 28
The thing is, she expects to be apart of everything but has a bad attitude about everything that isn't anything that she likes etc. She's young herself (in her 40's) so I find it quite difficult because it's not like there's a huge generational gap. I think I'm going to take a leaf out your book and just go along and do what I need to do. I can't make her happy so I should stop bothering at this point, even though it hurts x
futuremrskelly Posts: 220
Ladies, i feel for ye - although i have to agree with CasulaBride - i think its most definitely jealousy! My MIL to be is quite the same - anytime i mention any wedding plans they are shrugged off and nothing has been spoken about the wedding in their house - whereas in my family home its all talk about the wedding - which makes me so happy! If i try to start a conversation with MIL about wedding she doesnt really respond which makes me feel deflated - so i can only imagine how you girls are feeling.
Rookie Posts: 10
Hi All, It's awful that you guys are in such a difficult situation for what should be a wonderful event. Is there any chance you can blag them off a bit? Say with the wedding dress shopping, bring her and let her give an opinion but don't decide on the dress instead say you want a day or two to think on it and just go back and pick the one you wanted. She got to be there and say what she wanted, you avoided an embarrassing strop by her and you're getting the dress you want. Is there a chance that they're going through menopause and you're the victim of that? If so get them on hrt asap!