Feeling so upset with DH

We've Moved!

Our wonderful discussion forums have now moved to Facebook...

Click to join us in our HIGM ("Help I'm Getting Married") group!

anonymummy1 Posts: 2
I'm a regular user here in P&B so decided to post this here... Hope you don't mind. Basically, I have a toddler and I'm pregnant again on my second. I'm a SAHM. I just feel so lonely at the moment. DH is away or working quite a bit, and when he is here, I find I'm still doing everything at home. I do all the night wake ups with our first, who still isn't a great sleeper, and do the morning bottle every morning. I am so tired at the moment with this pregnancy, which I never was on my last, and feel really underappreciated and like dh couldn't care less. This post is such a ramble... Sorry about that. Dh has a hobby that takes him away pretty much every second weekend, and on the weekends in between, we end up doing all the stuff we have to catch up on from the previous week. He tells me I should get a hobby of my own, but honestly I just couldn't imagine where I'd get the time. I was running when I wasn't pregnant, but have stopped that as I just wasn't able to manage it. I try to get out walking/ swimming as much as I can with our toddler. I know I am having a bad day today because I had a particularly bad night last night, but everything is getting on top of me. I feel like I can't talk to dh about it because when I do he usually says "you're not coping, you need some help, maybe you're not cut out to be a SAHM". This absolutely tears me up because I try so hard at home and it feels like he thinks I am failing as a mother. I love dh and our first child dearly, and know I am lucky to be able to stay at home, but it's not easy, and sometimes I need to vent without feeling there will be consequences to my words. I also am reluctant to mention when I find things tough because I fear he then uses it as a reason to not have more children. (We both agreed we'd like 4 before we were married... Our toddler was a welcome surprise, and I had to really beg for number 2 :o( ) He knows I still want more kids but he is not so sure. Anyway, I don't really know what I am expecting to get out of writing all this out. If anyone can offer any advice I would be grateful. Thanks ladies :thnk And sorry for the depressing Thursday morning rant.
redroses Posts: 714
Im so sorry your feeling like this. :xox I think your dh definitely to help out more, pregnancy exhaustion is like no other tiredness, and when your up at night with a toddler you must be whacked. Can ye sit down and talk about it reasonably? I know your dh said to you to get a hobby, what about a mum and toddler group in your area? it may help and getting out of the house and meeting other mum's possibly in the same situation as you might do you the world of good. The kids can play together while you sit back and enjoy some adult complany. Hope things start to look up.
mysteriousmise Posts: 1783
I'm not in your position, so I don't really have anything all that helpful or insightful to say. However, I think that your OH is he's probably just concerned about you, and not really criticising you. Are there any baby and toddler groups near you? Getting out to spend more time with people in a similar position might help (rather than going walking/swimming on your own). Do you have any other SAH friends nearby that you can arrange coffee mornings or something with? I do think it's a little unfair that he goes away quite as often as he does - every second weekend is quite a lot for him to go gallivanting/you to be lef ton your own. Is there room for negotiations there? I'd also consider arranging a weekend away with some friends- leave him with the kids so he gets a taste of what it's like for you, all of the tie....
Daff Posts: 11644
I was in your situation a few weeks ago - now I'm still in it just that I've a toddler and a newborn. TBH it's hard to get through to them. I'd a pretty good birth so DH just assumed I was back in business straight away (got out of hospital same day that DD2 was born). She was 4 days old and I wasback hoovering and cleaning toilets while he lay on couch watching tv. Got to the stage that I'd just pick up dd2 and bring her upstairs and leave him for a few hours with dd2. He didn't do house work but he had total control of dd1 - took about 2 days before it suddenly hit him how tiring it is! he was exhausted and as I said that was without housework. Also he's very reluctant to take her out and do activities with her while I'd try to get out 4 of the 5 day that we're home alone. He went back to work yesterday and nealry skipped out the door :o0 it's stil his job though to get up wtih dd1 and have her dressed adn fed before he leaves and I stay in bed til then so I'm not made get involved. I would really recommend joinging some toddler group if you haven't already. I joined the BF group on dd1 and made 3 really good friends. They're all having babies again now so it's great that we all have kids the same age. Also they worked shift work so there was always someone around to meet up with - or we'd have get togethers once a weekend every monht. Try not to let it get you down too much but I know that's easier said than done :action32
theoracle Posts: 7664
To be fair to your DH, I do not think he was criticising you, I think he was trying to be helpful with his comments, but men often are quite blunt about the way they go expressing themselves as they tend to be very down to the point and factual. Problem? Here is a fix! type of approach. Think about what you find most overwhelming at the moment, is it tiredness, lack of social contact, housewor, being tied to the house etc. The think of practical ways to address each one - can somebody mind your LO (your DH, CM or other) for you to get some 'me' time or just plain rest? What bits of housework could your DH take on on a regular basis that would lighten your load? Could you benefit from few hours outside on your won? plan/make a schedule that works. Don't be afraid to ask for help. It is one regret I have that I was always to proud/didn't want people to think I can't cope when I was repeteadly offered help but rejected it - don't be a martyr, no need to be and it is not sign of weakness or a failure to ask for/accept help.
Milly83 Posts: 3620
I have gone/still going through something similar to you. It did start when i was pregnant on DD and has continued. The only difference is that I am working mother, not a SAHM. I do it all too, all the house work, all the routines, food, organising etc. I don't get to do anything for myself ever. DH works nights but he just goes and DOES whatever he wants to do at the weekend whereas I have to plan it. I do all the night time wakeups/feeds/looking after etc too and work as well so I was wrecked most of the time. Things took a turn recently where I have been narky, upset and very moody a lot of the time due to the constant stress and not having something to do for myself. I went to the doctor, he said I'm depressed and have other health issues too probably from the stress. Anyway, that's gone a little OT. The point I would like to make is that it's hard for my DH to comprehend what I am going through and I would say that it's likely that your DH is the same. He doesn't know how to begin helping you and sometimes if he tries, it might be the wrong kind of help. You do need to try to discuss this with him again because it might get worse rather than better. Having a 2nd baby is going to make your life even more hectic and less time again for yourself. You need to start looking after YOU now before baby comes and make sure it continues. :lvs
1