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Fell so unsupported

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Lou0000 Posts: 5
Hi guys sorry for long post I'm crying writing this as I'm just heartbroken I've changed my user name & email so I can't be identified!! I'm going through a really tough time at the minute my dad is extremely unwell & we are still waiting on a formal diagnosis basically my husband is being a pig I'm sorry he is he has just started a big argument with me saying that I'm being selfish that I have no idea how consumed I am in all of this we have a little boy who's 2 but here's the mad thing I actually make a point of not talking about it like I don't frickin mention it he said tonight that that's twice this week I "have brought an attitude into the house" I don't even know what that means! I'm going through hell at the moment I've just started a new job too after being at home for over 2 years!! He's saying the evening are so busy & i said I'd only be 10 mins in the shower but if took me 20 mins that he's wants to sit down & chill (I get this & completely understand) & he had cooked dinner etc! But honest to god girls I never complain about anything I haven't even told him half of what's going on with my dad & family I'm actually shocked at how he spoke to me especially in front of our little boy last night was the first time he gave me a half hearted hug about it all like I'm absolutely devasted just beyond heartbroken & feel I have absolutely no support if this was his family I would do absolutely anything to help but I'm just getting nothing back over the last few weeks I'm starting to wonder if after 5 years of marriage & 15 years together have we run our course! Any advice or support welcomed as I'm so heartbroken & lonely xx
futuremrskelly Posts: 220
I can't really offer much advise but i didnt want to read the post and not respond you poor thing. I can only imagine to think what you are going through. The fact that you have said you havent told him half of whats going on makes me think that you should - he might understand then what your going through - you have a lot going on in you life with a new job, your dad being sick and a toddler to look after too. Maybe if you share the load with your hubbie it might make 'some' difference to how your feeling? Sending a virtual hug your way! x
Lou0000 Posts: 5
Thank you so much it's means so much to me that you responded I think I've just being keeping so much in & keeping it away from our family that to have him say it's flittering in to our family & it's consuming me is heartbreaking especially when I'm holding so much back he's making me feel like I'm not allowed to talk about it!
Lou0000 Posts: 5
Thank you so much it's means so much to me that you responded I think I've just being keeping so much in & keeping it away from our family that to have him say it's flittering in to our family & it's consuming me is heartbreaking especially when I'm holding so much back he's making me feel like I'm not allowed to talk about it!
futuremrskelly Posts: 220
Try your best to talk to someone about it anyway. I know from experience that it can consume you. I had a rough enough childhood and dealt with it up to last year, but something struck with me and i had a meltdown! i was out of work for 3 weeks and had counselling etc. So try and talk to someone at least, it might help.
CasualBride Posts: 574
Hi Lou0000 I agree with futuremrskelly that maybe the fact that your husband isn't aware of how bad things are with your Dad has made him look unsympathetic. I'm not saying that he wasn't a pig to you anyway, but maybe it's a bit unfair to expect him to be supportive of something he doesn't know much about? That's not to criticise your way of handling things now, but he does live with you and has clearly noticed that things aren't great with you lately, so I think it's only right that you let him know the full extent of what's going on. I certainly wouldn't be questioning the strength of a 15 year relationship based on the current situation - you are under a lot of pressure and seem to be bottling up a lot of it, so whether you realise it or not, you have probably become a bit distant / different with him and your child, so a lot of things are probably looking a bit skewed in your eyes right now; you probably want to be able to prioritise your parents and you have a lot of other responsibilities to manage as well, so it's hard for you.. I think if your husband knew what a tough time you were having, he'd step up and help you out.
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Anne_K14 Posts: 55
From experience, when my OH father fell ill it did consume our lives. Hospital visits, appointments, heartbreak over bad news, trying to maximise time spent with him. I did all the cooking cleaning driving etc and wouldn't dream of hassling my OH about it. Your husband needs to cop on. You are being selfish? You're going through a massive upheaval with an ill parent. He should be bending over backwards to take the burden off you at home. He may not fully know all about what's going on but a extremely ill parent should be enough for him to get a grip and start being there for you. How he expects you to be all sunshine and roses I don't know. Part of the vows he made were for better or for worse. Unfortunately this is one of those times that's worse and he needs to step up. Potentially or indeed losing a parent is one of the most traumatic things a person can go through and he should be there for you. If you get a diagnosis and it is bad news you need to sit down and tell him exactly what is happening and how it is obviously going to be extremely hard on you and he needs to put you first while this is happening and also step up with your son.
Lou0000 Posts: 5
Thanks so much ladies you all raise very good points I feel so much better from all your advice we never argue so the fact we have had 2 pretty big rows in a week it's so unlike us that's why I was questioning our relationship but as you pointed out one row shouldn't make me question it! I think there's a lot of upset going on at the mo & hoping things will start to calm down soon! I don't like feeling this way & feel I should be able to lean on him as I've always been there for him he says he is there for me but I can't help but feel it's only to a certain extent!!
CasualBride Posts: 574
Well Lou000, maybe he is being a bit less supportive than he should be, regardless of whether he knows the full story - maybe he's not quite as strong / supportive / emotional / selfless as you'd like him to be, but I suppose all you can do is give him a chance to step up by maybe sharing a bit more with him; maybe crying and being vulnerable around him will remind him that you're not able to be strong all the time. I understand why you'd feel angry and let down by his reaction to you, but you said that you rarely argue so maybe the fact that you are in an unusually low mood has provoked him to react with anger because he's not used to dealing with you when you're not on top form? It's not ideal but this is maybe just his inexperienced way of handling a stressful situation.. not everyone is well equipped to deal with strong emotions, but everyone can try and learn, so hopefully you will both be ok. x
Caca83 Posts: 26
Lou000, thats awful. Its so hard to be dealing with all those things all together at the same time. I do however feel like your hubby needs to be made aware of all of the pressure, anxiety, stress that you are dealing with. You said that you havent told him half of what is going on with your dad........u need to speak to him. I know myself I bottle things up and put on the pressure on myself to keep things ticking along, and then I eventually break down or need to talk. Its not healthy to keep these things to yourself. He is your husband....you're biggest source of support...if you'll let him. I think you need to communicate more with him and let him know how tough a time you are having, Im sure he will step up. Sending positive vibes your way xx