Getting it off my chest - re: breakup/betrayal

We've Moved!

Our wonderful discussion forums have now moved to Facebook...

Click to join us in our HIGM ("Help I'm Getting Married") group!

sweetlovinangel Posts: 4
Hi, I've gone anon on this one (I think!) God where do I start. I'll try to keep it short. Basically, I have been with partner nearly 4 years and engaged over a year. It hasn't been easy because he has a mental health issue but we have gotten through any difficulties. I have always stuck by him, because I love him. He has been in hospital numerous times during our time together and has left me numerous times too. But I have always gone back to him, accepted his apologies, knowing he wasn't thinking properly, due to his illness. Well that was my rationalisation anyway. So, the last few months have been pretty bad. He was hospitalised and broke up with me, moved out, we got back together, broke up, got back together again, only recently. I have forgiven him for a lot of things, nothing major but his behaviour over the last few months has been trying, to say the least. (Due to his mental health issue). Anyway, back together, all cool, then he breaks up with me just like that. THat was bad enough, but now he has really betrayed me. Something I told him in confidence, he has told my sibling. Something that I know will destroy our relationship. He has got it into his head that I deceived him, even though I have spoken to and explained all this to him before. I just don't have anyone else to talk to about this. I haven't even contacted my sibling about this yet and don't even know what to say if I do. Sorry for rambling and maybe leaving stuff out.
littlelulu Posts: 515
Wow... Sounds very very VERY like my ex. Anyway, from experience, run a mile! Thats not an anti mental health comment, I have seen many suffer but for your own sake that kind of relationship is not healthy. If the chances of him telling her are high then I think you should be the one to tell your sis. Sorry, thats not much help :/
Hbombadero Posts: 1960
A person can have a mental health issue but still be an a$$ hole. You will have to decide whether he's an a$$ with a mental health problem or a truly nice guy with an illness that makes him behave terribly. Even if it is just the illness he has that makes him act terribly, you are still entitled to make a decision to end the relationship on that alone. That's ok. You are entitled to decide that you want a healthy husband. That's ok. It doesn't make you unkind. You are not married. You did not make a vow to him. You have that right. You don't have to stay with someone just because they are sick. That may be unpopular and uncomfortable but it is also true. If you decide to marry him you know what your life will be like, you can expect it to be like it has been forevermore. Don't go in to it thinking he will change. If you marry him marry him with your eyes open. Best of luck
littlelulu Posts: 515
[quote="Hbombadero":2skgml5f]A person can have a mental health issue but still be an a$$ hole. You will have to decide whether he's an a$$ with a mental health problem or a truly nice guy with an illness that makes him behave terribly. Even if it is just the illness he has that makes him act terribly, you are still entitled to make a decision to end the relationship on that alone. That's ok. You are entitled to decide that you want a healthy husband. That's ok. It doesn't make you unkind. You are not married. You did not make a vow to him. You have that right. You don't have to stay with someone just because they are sick. That may be unpopular and uncomfortable but it is also true. If you decide to marry him you know what your life will be like, you can expect it to be like it has been forevermore. Don't go in to it thinking he will change. If you marry him marry him with your eyes open. Best of luck[/quote:2skgml5f] 100% agree Is that really the life you want?
JaneWP Posts: 152
The main question I think you have to ask yourself is if you intend on having children are you willing to subject them to this sort of unstable relationship! Having a mental illness doesn't give you a licence to repeatedly hurt someone.
wollysocks Posts: 1773
[quote="Hbombadero":18ozwthf]A person can have a mental health issue but still be an a$$ hole. You will have to decide whether he's an a$$ with a mental health problem or a truly nice guy with an illness that makes him behave terribly. Even if it is just the illness he has that makes him act terribly, you are still entitled to make a decision to end the relationship on that alone. That's ok. You are entitled to decide that you want a healthy husband. That's ok. It doesn't make you unkind. You are not married. You did not make a vow to him. You have that right. You don't have to stay with someone just because they are sick. That may be unpopular and uncomfortable but it is also true. If you decide to marry him you know what your life will be like, you can expect it to be like it has been forevermore. Don't go in to it thinking he will change. If you marry him marry him with your eyes open. Best of luck[/quote:18ozwthf] Also agree. There are different extents to which a person can suffer with a mental illness. Lots of people can be fairly stable on medication( which can bring its own issues) but your partner life sounds quite chaotic. It is often difficult for a person with a mental illness to maintain a healthy relationship- this is an unfortunate reality. You obviously care about him great deal to have gone through so much but you need to take care of yourself too. For me, harsh as it is,that relationship would be too much work. It is too hard to have that upheaval so regularly in your life. I would expect a relationship to be mainly happy- if it's not- then I don't see the point of it. It is ok to leave- you don't have to stay out of guilt at leaving because his mental illness is too much for you. You are not married and I think you have stayed a lot longer than many would have done. A friend of mine had to leave fiance with destructive relationship with alcohol- she felt really guilty as he was nice guy and she struggled with her decision but she was so unhappy a lot of the time in the relationship it was just not the future she saw for herself and any future kids. Can you end the relationship, but remain friends?- so you don't feel the guilt of abandoning him but yet you are free to pursue a happier relationship. As someone else said -can you face a future of years ahead like this?
Grotty Dotty Posts: 751
Sorry to hear you have been treated so shabbily. I know he has mental health issues, but as somebody else said, you can also just be an a$$ hole as well as having issues. Is this the life you want for yourself? Never knowing what the future holds? Health issues aside, he betrayed you, and I don't know if I could come back from that. I'd put a big bit of distance between you and him for a long while. If it's meant to be you will end up together, but at the moment it's like you're flogging a dead horse.
MrQ Posts: 1085
Surely the most important questions for the OP to answer to herself are: Do you love him? Are you happy? Do you think you will be happy if it continues? I would say if you can't answer yes to all 3 then you need to question what your future holds. Never be afraid to be selfish. We only get one life.
Daisy Row Posts: 3650
[quote="MrQ":vlw57erz]Surely the most important questions for the OP to answer to herself are: Do you love him? Are you happy? Do you think you will be happy if it continues? I would say if you can't answer yes to all 3 then you need to question what your future holds. Never be afraid to be selfish. We only get one life.[/quote:vlw57erz] Would totally agree.
sweetlovinangel Posts: 4
[/quote][quote="Hbombadero":2uwnn359]A person can have a mental health issue but still be an a$$ hole. You will have to decide whether he's an a$$ with a mental health problem or a truly nice guy with an illness that makes him behave terribly [quote:2uwnn359][/quote:2uwnn359][/quote:2uwnn359] You are right of course, However I believe he is a truly nice guy with an illness that makes him behave terribly. Doesn't mean that always has to justify his actions though. It has always been him that has ended things, I have always stuck by him through thick and thin, perhaps stupidly but I guess I just loved him. Does anyone else have experience of being in a relationship with someone with a mental health issue? Sometimes I feel nobody understands :-(