Apologies, this is a bit rambling...
I'm looking for some advice re. the picking of Godparents. I realise it is far too early to be even thinking about it at this stage but this has been kind of thrust upon me by my DH. Thing is didn't he go out with an old friend of his at the weekend and in the course of the night, with drink onboard, he asked him to be the Godfather of our baby.
Now we hadn't even discussed anything to do with Godparents cause as far as I was concerned it would be something that we would decide when the baby arrived. When he told me he had asked his friend I was completely shocked! I couldn't believe he had asked him without so much as talking to me about it.
My main concern is that DH had only got one sibling, a sister, and I had thought that the nice thing to do would be to ask her and have my brother as Godfather. To be honest I'm more concerned about not asking his only sister than who we'd ask on my side of the family. I think she'll be really upset and I think it's terribly unfair on her.
The day after he had asked his friend I said to DH that he may have to backtrack on it as he should really ask his sister. I said we would sit down and decide together when baby is born. To my surprise though my DH is totally digging his heels in. He said there is no way he's changing his mind and that it's his job to pick Godfather and that I'm just trying to control the whole thing.
Now maybe it's just the hormones but I'm really upset over this. It's really important to me. This is our first baby and I thought it would be a decision we would make together. This guy he asked was his best friend as a child but they never see eachother anymore. They might speak to eachother once a year if even. I know that the baby would never see this guy.
I spoke to my mam about it and she said to just leave it and say nothing and it will work itself out but I'm worried that my DH will start texting this guy about coming over for the baptism, making arrangements etc. and then by the time the baby is born the whole thing will be set in stone, so I feel like I need to address this now.
I'm going to broach the issue with him again this evening but I feel it will just end up in a row with me crying (Hormones!). Basically I'm looking for people's opinions on how to deal with situation and wondering if I am being unreasonable and should I leave my DH pick whoever he wants.
I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I'd be really furious with my dh if he asked anyone to be a godparent without my knowledge or consent.
Like you, we'll discuss godparents finally when baby arrives...but that decision has got to be a joint one.
Normally you are right - its one from his side and one from yours. For me, I only have one brother and 2 sisters, whereas my dh has 3 sisters only. So its likely my brother will be asked to be godfather and one of dh's sisters will be the godmother. So I think its totally reasonable that as your dh only has one sister, that you would assume she'd be asked.
What would annoy me more, is that your dh made a decision without discussing it with you first. But sounds like he's digging his heels in now... which could be cos he knows hes in the wrong and doesnt want to back down. What I would do is not give out to him, but say to him that you understand why he would want to ask his best friend, and your happy to discuss this. You just don't think its fair that he made a decision without talking to you first. Also, explain that your concern is more for his sister as opposed to not wanting his friend. Try to keep it light but stay firm. He might back down when he has time to realise how unfair he's been. Men sometimes need a bit of time to admit they have made a mistake.....
not sure how much help thats been..... I feel for you its a tricky one. Lots of luck.
hi, I know hormones can be an awful thing...and I know you think you are right but I have to say I think your mam is right..people say all sorts of things and make promises with drink on board....I think you should leave off your hubby for the moment...the more you press the issue, the more you threaten his autonomy...try and look at it from his point of view...it sounds like you want it your way...it's not about you both deciding-it sounds like you have already decided - its your brother and his sister...this is no more you both deciding then him asking a friend is you both deciding...just leave it for a while...it will be resolved more easily when you' re both not angry...it sounds like he did foolish thing-he probably knows he did- but you're not helping- by being the sensible one and telling him the way it should be-you're making him defensive...believe me- I've often done the same and it doesnt work...let things cool...it's a very little thing reallyin grand scheme of things...when you've both calmed down you can really approach it again and do both decide- and perhaps he may not want his sister as god mother- you must be open to really listen and respect what he has to say..and change your mind if necessary....there really will be no problem explaining to his friend down the line anyway..people understand these things happen...just try and forget it for time being and live in the grey area for a while...I knowI might sound harsh but really sometimes you have to let things lie for awhil...hth
i agree with elegance. i would be furious if dh asked someone without discussing it as im sure he would be if i did.
maybe let it lie for a few days, he might need time to think it through properly. make sure you let him know that you are concerned about his sisters feelings more than who he choose.
im going to have a dilema too id say, im an only girl, dh has no sisters. dh wants 1 of his brothers who never talks to me, his finace ignores me so much so she never talks to us since before our wedding, and i dont want to have this guy as if he doesn make time for us, he wont for our baby.
we're not going to choose til nearer the time though.
good luck with it
) I'll try to just keep it light like you say and then give it some time. Hopefully we'll come to some sort of an agreement.
Thanks for your reply Elegance.
When I did talk to him about it I did say to him that I completely understood how it had happened...with him having a few drinks on board...and I did focus on the fact that his sister would be really upset more so than not wanting his friend as Godfather but to no avail.
Thing is I have one sister and one brother myself and my natural choice for someone from my side would have been my sister but I didn't rush off to ask her because I knew that it would be only fair to have his only sibling as Godmother. I'm upset that I was considering his situation and he rushed into this without so much as talking to me about it.
You are so right though about men needing some time to admit they've made a mistake. (I'm abit like that myself too though if I'm honest!
Hi Wollysocks and justwed09...sorry I missed your replies when I was posting. You've both made very valid points and I know exactly what you mean Wollysocks about it seeming to my Dh as if I'm trying to control the situation. I am abit of a control freak alright and that is why I feel so helpless that this decision has been completely taken out of my hands.
It is so insignificant in the grand scheme of things...There have been some really sad stories on here with people with genuine problems and heartbreak.... and as long as I have a healthy baby I know that's all that truly matters. You know yourself though when something crops up like this it can be so upsetting in your own little world.
I really feel the need to talk to DH properly about this though as we were staying with his family when this happened so we didn't get to talk about it really. If I just give him my point of view, accept where he's coming from but say I want us to reach a decision that we're both happy with (and if that means he absolutely doesn't want his sister then ok) and that we will decide when baby is born.
Justwed09, you sound like you'll have your work cut out for you too! I hope it works out.
you'll get the decision you both want in the end if you listen to each others point of view and without getting heated over it. easier said than done i know!!
my dilema will be who to have as god mother! i dont really have a very close BF and who i would consider my BF DH doesnt really like!! not looking forward to that conversation in a few months
'It's his job to pick the godfather'??? Where did he get that from? I wonder did he get it into his head that the father picks the godfather and the mother picks the godmother - kind of like the groom picking his best man and the bride her bridesmaids... men get the funniest notions sometimes. I remember when I was going out with DH first, he was to be his brother's best man at the brother's upcoming wedding - and he nearly had a row with him when he heard I wasn't going to be at the top table! When I found out and said 'well of course I won't be at the top table, it's bridal party only', he was mortified, as he just didn't know how these things work!
Whatever the reason your DH asked his friend, he is clearly embarassed and knows he shot his mouth off and is not ready to admit he was wrong just yet.
I think you handled it well by emphasising your concern for his sister rather than saying you don't want this friend. This sounds like the kind of thing that will sort itself out, just like your Mam said. Who knows, the friend may even be relieved to be let off the hook - my DH was asked to be godfather for the child of a friend who we see once a year, and it's just turned into a life sentence of buying Christmas and birthday presents!
She's spoilt rotten and self centred and it would kill me to give her that role after she totally disregarded being BM (we've one family photo of Dh's family at the wedding as she went and got drunk with her BF rather than get the family in for photo's!)
Would love my youngest brother to be GF (we're bvery close) but I know this'll put other brother out (not close to him at all, long story) and second brother has already said he knows he won't be chosen (he was drunk at this time)
So tempeted to go tradtional and go for Cheif BM and Best Man. I know my CBM would be excellent, she's wonderful and so involved and interested in everything even though she has a LO herself and been there done that. But I know MIL would go mad - (another long story, but the woman is evil and did everything she could to get her own way at hte wedding and to ruin it)
That would drive me mad if DH did that. A friend of mine got really drunk and demended that she'd be Godmother - I said yes at the time as she was drunk, but I'd never make a decision like that without DH, and the friend won't be GM!
I've a dilema too. DH has one sister and I've two brothers. So logically it would be his sister and one of my brothers. But TBH I don't want his sister as GM. She was BM and showed no interest. I didn't hear from her for three months before wedding and she texted me two days before to see if she could help
I would go mad if my DH did that to me, but I could totally understand how he could have run away with himself, having had some drink taken. But I would hope in time, he'd realise what he had done was wrong. Men do need some time to figure this out themselves, without us in their ear. You need to make your point and then leave it for a few days and hopefully he would realise he was wrong and would talk calmly with you.
Anyway, is it not possible for you to have 2 Godfathers & 1 Godmother?