Hey girls please tell me if im being stupid or is it stress or what???
When myself and H2b got together he was a real lad. Out every weekend especially Sundays and then if there was a match on during the week he was out in the pub watching that too. Anyway it didnt bother me at first as we werent living together and I had my daughter to think about. I always stayed every 2nd weeken and we would go out with his friends and their girlfriends or else just the two of us on Friday and saturday night. He always made sure to be up early and drop me home by about 12 or 1pm on the Sunday so that he could go out with the lads.
Anyway we moved in togther and he kept this up which I didnt very much agree with because it meant my daughter would hear him falling in drunk or myself and my daughter would always be left doing nothing. So it caused numerous arguments but it didnt stop. Then I got pregnant and instead of things getting better they got worse. he started disappearing and not coming home or else staying out all weekend (to make matters worse his mam used to let him stay in heres and never said that what he was doing was wrong). It came to a head and I gave him an ultimatum - me, the kids, the house and a happy relationship or drink and his low life friends.
So he choose me and the kids. Things obviously worked out as we are getting married nxt yr but then lately he is bugging me. He hasnt really been out except when he goes playing football on a friday night but he comes straight home. They went on a day trip which i was a bit worried about as my fear was that if he cant come home from a night out her then what chance have I got of him coming home -- he proved me wrong and was home fairly early. He had said he ws going off
Now he has stopped going football on a friday night and he wants to go pitch and putt during the week. Most weeknights we are in bed by 10.30pm - 11pm as he always says he is tired however for the last 2 wks he has gone pitch & putt and been home extremely late. Last wk he left for pitch & putt (10mins away) at 7pm and didnt arrive home until 12pm. I asked where he was and he said he went for a few pints then went to the chipper and was chatting and lost track of time. Then last night he said he was going and I said he should make sure he doesnt get lost (meaning to come home at a decent time). Anyway he left at 7.15pm and didnt come home till 1.15am.
Am I being stupid getting annoyed about it? I just get so furious because im left at home making dinner, cleaning up after dinner etc. then i do start to doubt if he really is playing pitch & putt at all cos of the hr he is coming home
i'm sorry but how the hell can he play pitch n putt in the dark??? is it a lit up course? i am officially a golf widow my hubby plays every chance he gets but he does take me into consideration he goes at the weekend at 7 or 8 in the morning to make sure he's back early enough in the day to do stuff with me and if he goes in the evening after work the latest he's home is 10 because thats when the course closes i would ask your fella how he can play pitch n putt in the dark?
Your husband to be sounds incredibly inconsiderate, and perhaps not wholly trustworthy. Can you try communicating to him how frustrated you are by the whole situation? Have you done a pre-marriage course? If not, maybe sign up for one or get yours brought forward as they have some really useful information on how to resolve issues and how to communicate without conflict, etc. Having said all that though, this man sounds extremely selfish and immature and he possibly has an issue with drink from what you've said. Without being overly dramatic, you might want to consider whether that is really the type of person that you wish to marry.
I'm not in this relationship so its hard to judge if he or you are being unfair. You seem to have put a stop to, or at least a serious control on, all his football socializing (correct me if Im wrong) and now he has found something else fun to do that gets him out socializing once a week and you are also complaining about that because he stays out to midnight and sometimes later. Is it the drink? Is he coming in falling all over the place drunk after pitch and putt? Because I wouldnt like that happening EVERY week with kids in the house, or is he just late with a couple of beers on him. It sounds like he has really tried to do what you asked in relation to the football but just likes to socalize with his friends once a week. That seems very normal to me, and what time he comes home (as long as he doesnt stay out till 8am next morning or stay at his mums) then as an adult, he should be free to make his own choices about having a beer or two and some chips and getting into conversation with people at the chipper. As long as he is living up to his responsibilities as a dad and getting to work the next day okay. Its all very normal and if it was me, from the limited info you have given us here, I would feel terribly under pressure and cowed being told off every time I went out with my friends. Maybe you could get him to just text you after a certain time to say he will be later? Then you can get on with your own thing/or fall asleep/or whatever without feeling like he has let you down.
I agree with Doggysmile on this one.
While I think your H2B was out of line at the start of your relationship and in the past, it does sound like he has mended his ways. I think everyone needs some form of social outlet away from their family, it's just finding the right balance.
I don't think he's taking advantage by going out once/twice a week - perhaps, you could arrange to do something on an alternative night and he could stay home, babysit and sort out around the house?
I'm in agreement with Doggysmile and Boocat on this one. I think based on what you have said that your H2B dramatically changed his behaviour to live up to what you wanted from him and in order to be a good father. Now he is having one night a week from the sounds of it where he goes off for a few hours. Based on what you have mentioned it seems that he is not falling in the door locked but quite probably having a game of pitch and putt, a couple of pints and a catch up with the lads. I find that perfectly healthy - we all need our time away from each other. Is it maybe annoying you because you are not getting the same down time? If that is the case I would not say a thing to him about being annoyed with him heading off for a couple of hours. I would say that you are delighted that he has found something that suits him so well and since he has x night for doing his thing you will be taking y night
Moet for me
I am taking this on the basis that there is nothing sinister going on like excessive drinking etc. I am a bit more sympathetic to you because I am moaning about the same thing here
It is hard when you have children to spend endless hours alone a lot of the time especially if you have a small child. Talk to him about it. He needs his me time, as do you but it has to be fair.
Thanks for all your replies girls and I agree with something that all of ye wrote.
I have to clarify that its not the fact that he is going pitch & putt or sociliazing that bothers me. Its just i dont know if anyone can understand that it annoys me when he is late because for the rest of the wk he is in bed before 11pm. If I ask him to do something during the wk (go walking, cinema etc) Im told he is too tired!! Its also the fact that its not the same night every wk he will just decide at around 5pm and ring to tell me he is going not thinking to ask if I had any plans.
In relation to me doing something its very hard. My daughter does a sport on Tues, Thurs & Fridays so I need to drop and collect her so I cant do anything on those days. Then I dont know if any other women feel this way but you nearly feel like you need to ask your H2B can or will he babysit - I often feel taken for granted or like a glorified babysitter?
I think im just worried because of the way things were in the past with him not coming home etc but no he is not falling in the door after pitch & putt it is just 2 drinks as he is driving however I would just like him to have a bit more consideration for me and the kids. I mean now with the bright evenings in and the weather being ok why not make the effort to do something with us and not only the lads?
Moet for me
I appreciate that your dd came from a different relationship but your h2b is marrying a package deal and taking on all that goes with that so he now has to help with her plus I gather you have another child together anyway. The fact is that men do not babysit their own children they parent them and he has to be made understand the difference. There has to be some form of balance in your relationship and no matter how you work it out between you, you definitely need me time or you will crack up. Also advance notice is not a big ask where possible.
Moet for me thank you for your advice and thoughts. yes my daughter is from a previous relationship and we have a son together. I eman the other day when he went pitch & putt he came home at 6.30pm, had a shower, ate dinner left the dirty dishes in the kitchen and left at 7.15pm having just basically said hello and goodbye to the kids. then came home and left more rubbish on the counter instead of binning it on his way in!
Yes I would like some notice - that way even if I dont get out I can have friends over for a chat and a drink when the kids are in bed.
Im so glad Moet for Me understands how i feel about the whole babysitting thing because i was starting to think it was just me that had to actually ask my H2B to babysit.