h2b family making my wedding plans a nightmare

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vanilla Posts: 46
when we booked our wedding 30 months ago h2b told his mother that his aunt will not be attending the wedding as they have had differences in the past. now she is saying none of her family is to get invites as they will not be attending due to the fact aunt isnt welcome and for his own good reason. she has also said that his 19 year old sister boyfriend wont be attending either. it gets better she then went on to say that he shouldnt be invinting his fathers sister cause his sister dosent like her and my h2b and her get on great she is simalar age to us. it all ended if a blazing row and us walking out cause she kept saying crazy stuff like this. i dont know what to do from here, when his younger brother got married she was at same messing but not to this extent and when the day came she made such an athmosphere and took people that didnt even get invited. how do i stop this woman from being so controlling.h2b says he is not backing down as its our choice of guests i agree with him 100% but i know she will do her best to stir things. can anyone give me advice on how to deal with this woman. his brother also has five young children all under nine i have no problems with them attending mass as they all are page boys and flower girls. and would love them to be at band as they loved music . i asked them if they could get a baby sitter for meal and speeches as it is a long time to expect children be behave themsevels and to be honest they are not best of kids as that are allowed to do what they want cause they are children (thats what kids parents say). they got really snotty and said they cant get a babysitter and the kids wouldnt want anyone minding them even though they are out every week. advise needed please on how to talk these round about babysitter
gottabfp Posts: 5641
for starters its your wedding so do as you want..... this is what you have to keep saying to yourself anytime an issue like this comes up. would you not supplt a babysitting service like little wedding crashers for the kids. its unusal , i think, to ask someone to get a bbsitter just for the meal but if you gave them something to do whilst the meal is on it might work out better.
sharmon Posts: 437
What about organising something with the hotel, you could get them a hotel sitter who sits with them in one of the hotel rooms & you could get them some DVD's to watch for the duration & some burgers & ships sent up to room as well!?!??? A lot of hotels organise sitters now day or night at a specified rate.
vanilla Posts: 46
i have a babysitter in mind who is a care assistant but she says not everyone can mind her children, i have also arranged a room in hotel for them with dvd player, have bought toys dvd coloring books ect, and getting a table set up for them in room with ballons for them to have their dinner but she is still not happy. i have been out with these kids befor and they just run wild and the parents sit and let them at it they say they are children thats what they do. but i dont want them running wild when my meal and speeches is on its not a kids party.
mrsgameover Posts: 383
Hi Vanilla, Firstly in relation to your FMIL thank your lucky stars that your H2B is on the same page as you with regards to her. I have seen so many times on here where girls are trying to get their point across and their H2B can't see that Mammy can do any wrong. I also had a number of problems with my FMIL and guests. Lucky my H2B also saw my point on it and we were in agreement on how we wanted things to go. I found that the best thing I could do was just step back and leave H2B sort out his own family. I was always there to support him but did not get involved as it would just lead to further friction. I know it is very difficult to step back from it and bite your tongue but in the long run I found that for us it was the best possible solution. With regard to the children I have six nieces and nephews. I told my sisters that they were all more than welcome but that it was entirely their choice what parts of the day they wanted them there for as at the end of the day I wasn't going to be the one that had to mind them. In saying that the big difference to your situation would be that they are very well behaved and kept in line by their parents. One of my sisters has opted not to have the smallest fella at the meal as like you said it would just be a bit long for him. She is bringing her husband's niece with them as a babysitter. She will take him after the church and then bring him back over for the dancing and then head away with him when he's tired. If something like this is not an option for your relations then I would definitely recommend going with the wedding crechers or a babysitting service in the hotel. Hope things start to pick up for you
gottabfp Posts: 5641
you tried to accomadate her children, so now you say, well its this way or no way. sorry but its a simple as that, its your wedding. im only inviting bridal party kids to me wedding. never thought of not having them , some are well behaved and some arent. i wont be minding them so i dont care. cant wait to dance with my niece and nephew, but thats just me, cos its my wedding, thats i want, and when its your wedding, do as you please ( did i say my wedding, i mean our :o0 )
Missus Lippy Posts: 5879
Is your FMIL paying anything towards the wedding? Well if not, you are under no obligation to involve her in the guest lists, apart from maybe giving both sets of parents X amount of invites for friends that they want there etc. You write out your invites from the names on the lists and that is who will appear on table plans on the day. Apart from the X amount of guests who she wants to bring, I would give her as little info as possible on anything else and there is less chance of her interferring. As for your brother, TBH I think it's a bit much to expect to bring 5 kids to a wedding and hope to get any peace. I think you have done all you can to help out with entertaining them on the day but it sounds like they are just trying to bully you into getting their own way by saying there is nobody to mind the children. If they do end up causing a racket on the day, could you warn somebody on their table in advance or the best man to have a quiet word? I have been at weddings before and sometimes the hotel manager would be around, it's in the hotels interest to ensure the waitresses are able to walk around with hot food and drinks without the risk of spilling them on children under their feet. So could you even put it that the hotel is requesting that parents use the facilities for health and safety reasons? Would your brother be staying over that night, a family room could work out very expensive, maybe that might put them off nearer to the time :o0
vanilla Posts: 46
h2b and i are paying for the wedding she isnt giving us anthing toward it. i know what use are all saying its a bit how i feel, but she isnt talking to h2b now cause she was told it our day our way. his mam and dad are seperate 17 years so he cant even have a word with her . she will sulk and sulk till she gets her own way but i dont want h2b being controlled by her. i am just so fed up of it all now.
mrsgameover Posts: 383
Vanilla I totally understand where you are coming from. I was in the exact same situation. H2B's parents are seperated years so no chance we could get FFIL to have a chat with the old dragon. She's a great one for playing the martyr and telling anyone who will listen how badly wronged she has been and walk around with a big puss on her face. That was exactly why I just supported H2B. I said nothing after she went psycho on me and just supported him as much as possible so that he would have the strenghten to stand up to her. I know every bone in my body wanted to give her a dose of her own medicine but now I am delighted that I held my tongue. One thing that really helped H2B was to just walk away from her. While she felt she was the centre of attention and everything was about her he simply reminded her that she could do all those things the next time she got married. Once said up he popped and said goodbye - she could try and argue as she wanted but he'd just say he was busy and had to go.
Redpunto Posts: 224
You either invite the kids or dont invite the kids - you cant tell people at what stages of the day the kids are welcome at and at other times the kids have to "disappear". I understand where youre coming from and it is you day but you cant control everything and have everything you way.