help me!!!1 my husband is doing my head in

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Cbob Posts: 67
I've a 10 week old baby and feel like my husband is still living a single life he plays two sports a week and is heading out on the piss for the full day on sunday for the Dubs match. he didn't come in until 10 on Monday night and 9 last night and thursday night it will be 9 again. I really feel like I've been "left holding the baby" I do all the night feeds too as he maintains I can sleep when the baby sleeps during the day which on the most part doesn't happen. i have confronted him on this tonight and to be honest i may as well be talking to the wall I wanted to go out tomorrow night for a couple of hours ( need a break) and he is doing one of his sports and had decided to leave the baby with his 24 year old sister. (i've no problem with her minding him) but "WE" have been trying to get the baby into a routine and this will really put it out of wack Help me please because at this point I am really thinking of moving out with the baby. Thanks
cbtb Posts: 413
What you need most at the moment is his support and he is being totally selfish. Tell him exactly the way you're feeling including the bit about moving out. Then take off for the day on Sat and leave him on his own all day so he realises how difficult it is. Best of luck.
Cbob Posts: 67
I really didn;t realise how much my life would change having ababy its really hard and very rewarding at the same time. I don;t know what I'd do without my little bundle of joy
Florrie06 Posts: 316
You need to sit him and down and trash this out and come to some arrangement between the two of you as you will only get even more resentful if it continues. You need your rest in order to be able to function and i totally agree the whole "sleep when the baby sleeps" just doesn't work out for me either. Could he agree to compromise and only do one sport a week? And do the night feeds at the weekend or every other night just to give you a break. Or else as CBTB suggests just take yourself off for the day and give him a good dose of being left holding the baby. Good luck with it!
rushinbride Posts: 1097
jesus cbob, I feel your pain!! my dh did this too when we had my son, but it didn't last much longer than a few mths (if thats any consulation)...I don't think he means it being malious or selfish, but some men find it very difficult to adjust to the new arrival and the new way of life, I mean the baby has effectively changed your lives completely, every small task has become a job now, and men find it much harder than us more superior sex to get used to that! My son now is 6 and my DH often says to me how he regrets so much not doing what he could have at the time, but he says he was just so so scared, of everything, particularly not being able to do things as good as I was...I mean after 10 wks I'm sure you find feeding, washing, burping baby etc, as normal and as part of everyday life, and its as if your babs has been there forever...altho you are in reality still probably adjusting to life with babs, but its not the way your OH sees it, he will most defintley think he is most certainly not good enough to look after babs, and fears not being able to keep your perfect baby..perfect... This isn't something he'll admit to very easily either! You really need your break with girls, so go for it, don't just stay in cause your hubbie won't/can't...still carry on as you want, but maybe sit with him and try talk about him doing more, and him cutting back on his buddies time, and spending more time with baby and you, and also giving you the time alone or with your friends that you bloody well deserve...(I also 100% agree with him doing the wkend feeds!!) also men don't find babies as cute and as kissable as us women do - to men they are frightening creatures...I think maybe your oh might just need a bit of extra time to adjust, but you need to be firm and set down the law now before you start hurting and feeling like he is rejecting you/baby, when in fact he probably isn't - chances are he is just a bit of a baby himself...they all are!! I know it hurts particularly when you both spent 9 mths looking forward to the arrival etc...next thing baby is born and hubbie seems to have done a legger...I bet there are a lot more women on this site who are or who were in this position and they can all tell you it did work out in the end... You'll probably notice from here on in, the simialrities between men and newborns is seriously unnatural!!
mrs.smiffy Posts: 1747
[quote="rushinbride":1s6h3a9z]jesus cbob, I feel your pain!! my dh did this too when we had my son, but it didn't last much longer than a few mths (if thats any consulation)...I don't think he means it being malious or selfish, but some men find it very difficult to adjust to the new arrival and the new way of life, I mean the baby has effectively changed your lives completely, every small task has become a job now, and men find it much harder than us more superior sex to get used to that! My son now is 6 and my DH often says to me how he regrets so much not doing what he could have at the time, but he says he was just so so scared, of everything, particularly not being able to do things as good as I was...I mean after 10 wks I'm sure you find feeding, washing, burping baby etc, as normal and as part of everyday life, and its as if your babs has been there forever...altho you are in reality still probably adjusting to life with babs, but its not the way your OH sees it, he will most defintley think he is most certainly not good enough to look after babs, and fears not being able to keep your perfect baby..perfect... This isn't something he'll admit to very easily either! You really need your break with girls, so go for it, don't just stay in cause your hubbie won't/can't...still carry on as you want, but maybe sit with him and try talk about him doing more, and him cutting back on his buddies time, and spending more time with baby and you, and also giving you the time alone or with your friends that you bloody well deserve...(I also 100% agree with him doing the wkend feeds!!) also men don't find babies as cute and as kissable as us women do - to men they are frightening creatures...I think maybe your oh might just need a bit of extra time to adjust, but you need to be firm and set down the law now before you start hurting and feeling like he is rejecting you/baby, when in fact he probably isn't - chances are he is just a bit of a baby himself...they all are!! I know it hurts particularly when you both spent 9 mths looking forward to the arrival etc...next thing baby is born and hubbie seems to have done a legger...I bet there are a lot more women on this site who are or who were in this position and they can all tell you it did work out in the end... You'll probably notice from here on in, the simialrities between men and newborns is seriously unnatural!![/quote:1s6h3a9z] Totally agree with rushinbride. Even though i didnt had the baby yet I already talked to DH about the life after "giving birth" and said I want him to be very involved in everything, which he's just too happy to do. I said I want him to do some the feeding at night aswell - especialy since he sometimes does night shifts and could look after the babs before he's coming to bed. Well I said to him he better give me a hand with everything or I'd kick his behind... :o0 but seriously now, you need to sit down with him and tell him that's it's not ok for him to behave like that and that you need a break and he needs to bond with your little baby - and the best way to do it is if he's minding the baby for a day on his own - without his mums or sisters help. You need to be firm with him and if he doesn't listen or respond to you appropriate, you should tell him that you already start contemplating to move out with the babs if he doesn't change. Hopefully this will come as a shock and he stops to behave like a spoilt, selfish child. Good luck :wv
delgirl Posts: 1706
Between the two of you you need to come up with some arrangement for the night feeds. My hubby has always been a great help to me but I still agreed to do the night feeds during the week and he would do the weekend feeds. I would do Saturday morning and he would have a lie in and he would do Sunday morning and I would have a lie in. If I was tired during the week though (maybe ds had a bad day etc) I would ask hubby to do the night feeds and he would. My hubby too used to play sport Tues/Thurs evening and all day Saturday. The last month before baby was due he cut this down to one evening and only games that were home games on a Saturday. This has continued after ds arrival and it works well for us. Hubby loves to keep fit as do I so we work it that he gets up early (6:00) monday and wednesday and goes running before work. I go out running tuesday and thursday mornings and he minds little fella and then heads to work when I get back. It is all about compromise. Yes dh has to work but I am working too during the day. Now when Cillian is asleep I use the time to clean the house and do laundry etc but hubby cooks dinner every evening and always makes sure that I have a lunch in the fridge to eat. He still goes out - every Sunday is his night out as I normally go out mid week. Between us we still have a good social life (just not together). I don't have the problem of getting others to mind ds and we live in England and no family around so we just have each other. Maybe you need to say to your hubby that it is ok for his sister to mind baby this time but you plan and going out once a week on this day from now on and you don't want her minding him every week on that occasion. Even if you don't go out you can still have the time to yourself - have a bath, go for a walk, have a glass of wine and a dvd.
StayShiny Posts: 1078
men are certainly interesting hmmm I think it gonna be a case of you keep on saying the same thing again and again until it finally hits home. My DH was initially very slow on the uptake that I was pregnant and exhausted, but once he saw the difference in me lately between the first few months and now, he actually said he feels really bad for leaving me to it essentially. I don't think they notice a lot of things that are right in front of noses until it nearly too late. "Can't see the wood for the trees" if you know what I mean. You're gonna have to get tough with him in stages I would think. I gonna let my DH have one night feed definitely (obviously not initially as I'm hoping to breast feed) but after a while, I'd like to express but I've told him it because I would like him to bond more with the happy things (not just nappy changing) .. and then also he'll realise that night feeds can be tough too ;) I don't think I'd mention the moving out though, as that something you might regret saying for a long time, even though you feel like you might, actually saying it makes it different I think. Wish there was something more I could suggest that might help. How you today? :xxx
blissful2b Posts: 1555
book a weekend break away with one of the girls and leave him to babysit. amkesure you tell him you don't want anyone else doing it. see how he likes it! one or 2 of the guys that i woek with have had that done to them and they said it really opened their eyes to how hard and tiring it actually is minding a kid. until they do it they think you're doing nothing but sitting on ur arse watching tv all day. would really be worth trying. after you come back, have the chat then. >:o)
Cbob Posts: 67
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU ALL SO VERY MUCH I THOUGHT I WAS ON MY OWN FEELING THIS WAY. I'M GONNA SIT HIM DOWN TONIGHT AND THRASH IT OUT THANK YOU AND SORRY I'M ONLY POSTING A REPLY NOW MY INTERNET IS DOWN AT HOME THANK YOU AGAIN :wv :thnk
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