how would you say no to being bridemaid???help...

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candellight Posts: 71
My sister is getting married in sept 2011, 6mts from now. and heres my dilemma she asked me to bridemaid and deep down i dont want to be. what do i do.. see when she first got engaged she told me she would like me and another sister (theres 4 of us) to be bridemaid, but i was totally honest with her about the situation, see my other sister and i dont get on, havent talk in 6yrs and my sis wanted to put us toghter as her bridemaids recipe for total disaster...she hadnt even thought of this, just couldnt choice who to have and taught she have us both, the tension would be unreal and it would only spoil her day and events leading up to the wedding so i told her this wouldnt be a good idea, conversation was left that she'd think about having a friend, which was great idea. We've talked about the wedding over the past 7mts and no mention of bridemaid, its been great helping her plan and she's very excited about getting married. Two days ago she rings me cause she booked venue and all and i was joking oh god what ill wear etc etc...then she said she has decided to have one bridemaid and as she mentioned it to me first, she wanted me to be it. See she didnt say anything to other sister about our conversation. So plans to tell our other sister she put names in a hat and pulled my name out thats why she chosen me, now i know this may be totally selfish of me but i hate this idea, i think if you truelly want someone to be bridemaid then have them and be honest with reason why... Thing is sis doesnt want to hurt my other sis and in mean time i feel like piece of shit. Now weve got two others she could chose but one preg and the other she doesnt get on with, thats why i taught just chose your best mate, situation sorted. Its been only coulpa days and im totally stressed and im not the bride, i mean physical sick with taughts of this whole situation, Bigger pic is this wedding is bringing together family member who havent been in touch in years its not going to be a happy reunion that my sis has always dreamed of. And she doesnt get that, anyway back to bridemaid i been thinking that id rather step aside and let her chose other sis for the role, i kinda said to her i was happy if she wanted other sis as bridemaid cause she been so stressed about upsetting her, this has throw a spanner in the works and my sis hasnt a clue what to do..when you dont have a close family these situations are never easy ...its easier said than done just accept the role and be happy for the bride...mental...What would you do...
Scruff1 Posts: 3139
I don't want to sound mean but why on Earth did your sister ask you both to be bms and then decide to cut down to one bm?! I know it's done now but she really should have thought of this before she went asking you both. Why did she decide to just have one? Would you want to be bm if all this hadn't happened? I think you are in an awkward position but really your sister needs to just decide one way or the other. It sounds like there are some complicated relationships in your family I hope it works out ok.
messi Posts: 234
Right I might sound a little insensitive here but its your sisters big day, I think you need to push aside any difficulties you my have with other members of family for one day just for her. I am not saying ye have to be one big happy family or anything but you could stand beside her for her big day its not too much to ask. Its a big moment for her tbh I wouldnt spoil it. I would have been devastated if BM said she didnt want to do it!
Scruff1 Posts: 3139
[quote="messi":1c8io7sk]Right I might sound a little insensitive here but its your sisters big day, I think you need to push aside any difficulties you my have with other members of family for one day just for her. I am not saying ye have to be one big happy family or anything but you could stand beside her for her big day its not too much to ask. Its a big moment for her tbh I wouldnt spoil it. I would have been devastated if BM said she didnt want to do it![/quote:1c8io7sk] I agree if your sister has asked you to be bm and wants you to be beside her on the day it's probably best to support her in this rather then telling her to ask someone else but she really needs to decide what she's at!
candellight Posts: 71
Its not that simple guys, my mother will be at this wedding who abandoned me when i was a child, family torn apart by a family will, its not a picture perfect family, there alot of hurt and pain caused over the years, and for me to even go to this wedding im putting all that family shit aside for my sis, so even being there is a huge deal...
candellight Posts: 71
[quote="Scruff1":1upfgtcd]I don't want to sound mean but why on Earth did your sister ask you both to be bms and then decide to cut down to one bm?! I know it's done now but she really should have thought of this before she went asking you both. Why did she decide to just have one? Would you want to be bm if all this hadn't happened? I think you are in an awkward position but really your sister needs to just decide one way or the other. It sounds like there are some complicated relationships in your family I hope it works out ok.[/quote:1upfgtcd] My sis hasnt said anything to my other sis about bridemaid yet, she spoke to me back in aug about her plan, and i told her it wasnt a good idea to put us both together, she wanted us both cause she couldnt chose between us thinking she'd her one of us, thats why i suggested having a friend rather than family. Now she's decided she want me but all she can think about is how its going to effect other sis, she is starting to annoy me so i taught it be best to just step aside and take away the stress cause she dosent need it. Im married i know how stressful the whole event is....i just dont know what to do...
Scruff1 Posts: 3139
Oh ok I thought she had already asked her. Well it's not like your other sister thought she was being asked so that makes it a bit easier. Plus there are two other sisters who aren't being asked. So can your sister not just tell the 3 of them that she only wants one bm and as she is closest to you she thought it might be best to ask you?
candellight Posts: 71
[quote="Scruff1":12k340z8]Oh ok I thought she had already asked her. Well it's not like your other sister thought she was being asked so that makes it a bit easier. Plus there are two other sisters who aren't being asked. So can your sister not just tell the 3 of them that she only wants one bm and as she is closest to you she thought it might be best to ask you?[/quote:12k340z8] Thats what id love for her to do but she so afraid of hurting them she's prepared to lie. Which will only come back to haunt her, and she'll be feeling si guilty about the lie that'll add to all the stress. That why i think its best that she has a friend...
Scruff1 Posts: 3139
I really dont think there is any need for her to lie. Would they really take offence? It's not like she is having 3 of you as her bms and leaving one out?! I have 3 sisters and only having one as a bm. The other two didn't take any offence at all, not one bit, they understand I am closest to her so it makes sense. I don't think she needs to ask a friend if she wants you to be bm.
petersgirl Posts: 1568
I kind of feel for your sister if all this family stuff is going on and she just wants to have a good day. It's not her fault about all the previous histories going on. Are you saying that if you weren't BM, you wouldn't go to her wedding? I think she's picked you for a reason and might need support on her big day, maybe she thinks you're the best person for it??? Sorry for siding with your sister, it's just I think we all know how much pressure brides can be under and it's nearly always caused by family. I know sometimes even when I ask for help with small things, I'm made to feel like I'm putting people out. It's very difficult. But if you're not up for it at all, maybe just come out and say to her that you feel stressed about it but will help her with anything she wants. Another way to look it though - being BM could give you a welcome distraction on the wedding day?