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Droimneach Posts: 52
I need some advice off ye girls, this is the story. When we got engaged my h2b kinda got ahead of himself and asked his brother to be bm as they used to be very close. That was a year ago and ever since all this brother and his partner have done is cause trouble for us. We have been told that they are going away the week b4 the wedding and wont be telling us as they want to ruin our day. H2b cant talk to any of his family about this as they all idolise him. Anyway last week h2b rang him to get his details for the register and h2b mentioned another thing that the bro had done wrongly and he hung up on him. We have lived in our house over a year and we have seen this bro only once and that was just for a nose. He has made no contact in a whole year and when my h2b txt him to wish him a happy xmas and happy new years he never even replied. The only time he did txt when my h2b txt him back he just text and said wrong bro ignore. So as ye can see he is nasty piece of work. Now h2b had decided to ask his bf to be bestman which i am alot happier about but he has to tell his bro now and this is where it will all start-his family will freak. He's asking me for advice but i dont know what to say-can anyone advise me please! Thanks girls!
evalena Posts: 1130
Well I'm glad to hear he's changed his Bestman. Brother sounds awful. My advise would be to say as little as possible to anyone. And when it comes to explaining use the following damage limitation technique: Rather than attack / slag off his brother he should just say "brother i don't want you to feel under pressure by being best man so I've decided to take the stress off you and ask bf instead" and when his family ask him why he has made the decision he should just say same thing - he felt he was putting brother under pressure and didn't want it to cause any more stress... It will only exacerbate the problem if he badmouths the brother so for peace sake try the above Good luck x
Droimneach Posts: 52
Thanks for your reply Evalena. If his family were even a little bit normal your advice would work but they only look for problems and then turn the blame mostly on me even though i have nothing to do with it. All he would say to that is i dont feel under pressure at all so ill be bestman and then start reading me to h2b and how im a "control freak"!
Ca cest moi Posts: 7855
[quote="Droimneach":xto1lde8]We have been told that they are going away the week b4 the wedding and wont be telling us as they want to ruin our day. [/quote:xto1lde8] Who gave you this information? Is it from a reliable source and if so are the brother and his partner due to be back for the wedding or are they planning to not be back for it? If the source is reliable then you can explain to his family that the best man is meant to be there to aid the groom on the week of the wedding and that since his brother has no interest in doing this you are going with someone who is. Good luck it is amazing what sh*t weddings can bring out, I hope it sorts itself out.
Droimneach Posts: 52
Hi Luckybride, Thanks for replying. Yep that info came from a very reliable source, no he doesnt plan on been back for the wedding. H2b said now after all his antics even if he is back he doesnt want him as bm. Ive been told it will be stressful but trying not to let it get to me too much! Just need an outside point of view! Thanks a mill!
evalena Posts: 1130
What a nightmare for you Luckybride has some good advice there too - good point about the week before and being there...I suppose another thing you could do is ask bf to be groomsman....or make the brother groomsman - you'd just have to hire an extra suit. There is a wollie on here having an odd number of bridesmaids to groomsmen so you wouldn't have to worry about getting another bridesmaid if you didn't want the extra cost.
Groovy-Chick Posts: 2383
[quote="Droimneach":15t18cu6] [b:15t18cu6]no he doesnt plan on been back for the wedding. [/b:15t18cu6] [/quote:15t18cu6] IMO that's all you need! If he's not planning on being back, your brother needs to tell him straight out he has found this out and he has decided to ask bf to be bm instead. No pussy footing around, just tell him Never mind the fact he wasnt even going to tell him!?!?!?! :ooh ETS - pussy footing should be pussy footing - WOL changed it on me!!
evalena Posts: 1130
[quote="Droimneach":148qfcfr] Yep that info came from a very reliable source, no he doesnt plan on been back for the wedding. H2b said now after all his antics even if he is back he doesnt want him as bm. [/quote:148qfcfr] What an A-hole!!! IMO if he's not back for the wedding then you don't have a problem Ask Bestfriend to be bestman and say nothing to the brother or family - don't let on you have a back up bestman (who will actually be the real one!) and then on the day hey presto - the best friend looks like THE best friend in the world - he just shows up and performs all his duties without a flinch and has a ready made speech as well - all ostensibly at a days notice Brother is demoted but doesn't even realise!
Ca cest moi Posts: 7855
[quote="Droimneach":3b13rq6w]Hi Luckybride, Thanks for replying. Yep that info came from a very reliable source, no he doesnt plan on been back for the wedding. H2b said now after all his antics even if he is back he doesnt want him as bm. Ive been told it will be stressful but trying not to let it get to me too much! Just need an outside point of view! Thanks a mill![/quote:3b13rq6w] Well if he is not planning to be there then what can his family really say to you. No matter how rose tinted their glasses are they can not ignore this and to be honest I would be looking at replacing him as soon as possible. If possible sit him down with your h2b when his family are there and without selling your source of information out mention that you have heard he is planning to be away during the wedding time and since you realise that he is busy and has not had any time to help to date that you want to make his life easier and take the burden from him and so have asked "X" to take his place instead thus freeing him up to do what he feels is more important. Throw it back on the selfish git. Honestly if you keep on top of things all along the week of the wedding will have some elements of stress but this should be minor in comparision to the excitement and happiness in the lead up to the day. Make the hard decisions now and try to enjoy all of the lead up as hopefully you will only get to do this once and it should be a very happy time.
moobear Posts: 1126
OMG what an a-hole! If it was our bestman that was trying to pull a stunt like this I would freak out too!! I think the best thing to do it to tell him that you found out that he is going away the week before the wedding & also that he decided to ask BF to be BM! I would let him know that he will not ruin the day for the both of you & state that as he is planning on being away for the wedding that at least you have take one worry off his hands with the wedding. I would also ensure that there was another family member there so that they can hear everything first hand Go ask his bf to be BM & dont worry about him seeing as he is a selfish git & is not worried about you or your wedding Best of luck & remember it will be fine