I need some help –Sorry it's long- Update

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Calendar Girl Posts: 567
Long story short my sister and her husband are selfish b*stards and don’t give two F*cks about anybody but themselves, my sister has a really high powered job as does her hubby anyway, they have two children and they are just about to return to boarding school where they’ve spend most of there young lives…… When they were off from school my mam had them for a few week as my sister had nobody to look after them as travelling plans they had didn’t work out. I took them for a few weeks (wouldn’t have spend much time with them before cause my sister didn’t want them with us, she preferred if they stayed in school or went off travelling) Anyway my mam wasn’t really able for them so they spend the last few weeks with me and hubby and they are just the BEST kids EVER and we got REALLY close at the start they didn’t really want to know and spent most of their time in their rooms but my hubby really brought them out and towards the end of there stay they never even opened a book (my sister would kill me if she new…she didn’t even know that they were with us!!!) Anyway before my niece left she said that she didn’t really like boarding school and wished she could stay here with me and my hubby (she’s only 7 but acts like about 20 she SOOO sensible) my heart was breaking as she got on really well with the kids on the road and got really close to us all…… Anyway my sister found out that they stayed with us and is after FREAKING as the child now doesn’t want to return to boarding school and my sister doesn’t live in the country (her job is in London) so there’s nobody in her house here to mind the kids (her son likes boarding school and wants to return) my niece cried for most of the weekend and on Tuesday she wouldn’t get in the car so I could drive her to school ( I swear I haven’t slept a wink I am sooo upset for her) My mam has really washed her hands of my sister as she can’t believe her attitude towards her kids (my mam never left her or any of us for a minute and can’t believe HER daughter could do that to her kids) anyway my sister took a flight home yesterday and the s*ite has hit the fan….she stormed in my house yesterday and told me what she thought of me and DRAGGED her daughter out kicking and scream only she wouldn’t get in the car (and all my neighbours were out and were looking at us) I told her to leave her and to stop making a scene and I would try and talk to her and bring her up home yesterday afternoon (my sister says I have brain washed her against her and her hubby and that it’s all down to me) I swear I never said ANYTHING to the child at all I even said I wished I could have had the start like she had with the nice schools and getting to travel anywhere she wants……. God this was suppose to be short anyway my hubby came home yesterday and said that if the child doesn’t want to go back to boarding school nobody can make her and that he’d be delighted if she came and LIVED with us Now as much as I love my niece (I can’t believe how close I have gotten to her in the last while it’s like she’s my daughter) but what can I do……I went up and spoke to my sister yesterday (I swear it was like talking to a wall) and she said that she wants HER daughter back in the school SHE has chosen and that basically to keep my noise out….. I just don’t know what to do I don’t think I am ready to have a “grown” up child yet…God I sound SOOOO selfish……
Princess Aurora Posts: 115
I had to reply, all i can say is OH MY GOD :ooh :eek , now i know she probably wants whats best for her kids but thinking that you could have brain washed her!!!!!! :eek :eek :eek :eek :eek My heart goes out to your poor little niece, :o(!!!!! Could you suggest that she goes to back to school but at weekends or hoildays she stays with you and your hubby???
garran9 Posts: 4401
I didn't to read and not leave a comment! Firstly, I think you are a super aunt and have been really good to the chidlren. I'm going to talk form 2 perspectives- that of an aunt and that of a Primary School teacher. Teacher - all children will say or do dislike school. Think back....I loved school the majority of the time but there were other times. Your niece prob loved the freedom and attention she received in your home. It might have been the novelty (and adored her aunt). If I were you, I would ask your sister to ring the school and ask her teachers if she is happy there and mixing well etc. Maybe she is having a little bit of a tough time. At the end of the day, she will have to go to school whereever she ends up. Maybe ask her if she realised that. I know some 7 yr old seems so grown-up but they can see things through rose-tinted glasses sometimes (I don't presume to know your niece better than you do though) Aunt- Make your sister contact the school (as I said above). It'll put your mind at ease. Have you sat down with your niece and had a chat with her? Is she just missing the attention of her parents? I hiope that makes sense and helps!!! :wv
The PDQ Posts: 954
I totally understand where you are coming from and that your trying to do your best by the kids but at the end of the day they aren't your children and your sister has a right to have them educated / living where she wants. It might be a good idea to try and stay on your sisters goos side so they maybe you could take them for their holidays etc. and you can still have a positive influence over them and they will look forward to seeing you.
Bubski Posts: 1785
Good Sound advise from garran9, I would also like to add that at the end of the day this may be distressing for you but its your sisters kid and she isnt abusing her. Kids can be manlupitive (sp I know) but try to think of it like this – She is giving the kid the very best she can – I was in boarding school too and I hated it at times, I never wanted to go back at start of term but once I was back I loved it. Can you go visit her at weekends & bring her out. Post her sweets & letters _ Always the best thing was getting a parcel of food in the post.
gerbil Posts: 3528
ok playing devil's advocate here.... your sister knows how she wants her children brought up and whatever you think of that you really can't second guess her. It's her family adn her children. Personally I think it;s awful to send kids to Boarding school but I ahve friedns who went to boarding school from younger than 7 who lvoed it and who think they had a great upbringing. There are advantages and disadvantages to every way of rearing children. also is it possible that your sister has a right to be upset on one level, she thought her children were being cared for by her mother only to find out they went somewhere else instead? she may feel angry about that hence taking it out on you over the school issue. I think you've ben a great aunt, and given them a lovely holiday but if it were me, i would remain in that role - as a great aunty to visit and a change from their normal routine. I don't think any good will come of rowing with your sister oer her children's education and rearing - it may end with you not seeing them at all!
newkid30 Posts: 2233
Tough one really, but I can kind of see both sides. First off the kid is only 7 so not really in a position to be making too many demands. She hardly knows what is best for her, and as someone else pointed out, kids tend to be dramatic and say they hate school even if they don't - it's a from of attention seeking. Secondly your sister is the childs mother, and has the right to bring her daughter us as she sees best. That's not up to anyone else to judge, fair enough you dont agree with boarding school so young, neither do I but I know tonnes of people who went and loved it. It's not a BAD thing she's doing and she's providing a good education, it's just difficult for most of us to understand sending a child away so early. She's not being cruel or neglecting her child or not providing for her, it's a different type of parenting, not upto us to say whether it is right or wrong. You say the child is happy so it can't all be bad. Thirdly the child might have picked up on the fact that you think it is not fair to be sent away and be playing up to it abit, you know how kids are? they are alot smarter than we give them credit for. Finally, when we were kids we went to my aunts every summer for a week. We bawled our eyes out coming home. It wasn't that my parents were bad parents, I always loved them dearly, but going to my aunts always felt like a famous five adventure, and we would be so sad saying goodbye.
Calendar Girl Posts: 567
Thanks for the replies I really don’t know what I want to hear but I know you’re all probably right…. I’ve never really seen my sisters kids as she won’t let them spend much time with us including my mam (only this time she was REALLY stuck), so when they were over in my mams and my mam wasn’t able for them (she wasn’t well so honestly couldn’t look after them) and I was off for a few days so said I’d take them until she got better but the kids seem to settle and my mam seen how they were and said they were having a good time with the kids on my road (mam has no neighbours) so said to leave them there, my mam didn’t phone my sister as she new she’d say no and to be honest mam feels SOOO Guilty over these kids that I think she wants to block it all out. My niece is still with me (have had to take a another few days off work) and I have spoken to her about school etc. and she says that she doesn’t mind GOING to school but it’s hard that she has nobody else there and she feels lonely that she’d like to go to the “day” school and then come home in the evenings as she jealous of the other girls who get to leave school, she has no relationship with her mam and dad whatsoever the last time she seen her was Easter and that was only for a day as she went off travelling for the hol’s then. My mam has spoken to my sister I can’t talk to her anymore she is a TOTAL bint and to be fair I haven’t seen her in about 2 years as I had a run in with her over my wedding…..she said she was too busy to go (fair enough, I wasn’t really pushed) but she wouldn’t let the kids come either and they were REALLY excited about it and she said that they were going off travelling and that she wouldn’t change it, when in actual fact they were left in the school……arghhhh I really don’t want to get into my sister she’d make you’re blood boil. My mam and other sisters are over at the minute trying to talk to my niece to even just get her to go back to school until this is sorted, but she won’t budge on it a bit and is saying that once she back in there that we’ll all forget about her again :o( ….. I TOTALLY understand were she’s coming from cause looking through the eyes of a 7 year old she must think we are all horrible that her school is only a couple of hours away from her but we don’t set eyes on her or her brother from one end of the year to the other (we have tried believe me but my sister says and told the school that no visitors are allowed to visit the school or remover HER children) We’re going around in circles and I am sooo stressed look at that poor child…… it’s all killing me…in a way I wish I never got involved and took those kids now.
Princess Cinders Posts: 11475
God that is a tough one, I remember as kids if we were bold (not very often >:o) O:o) ) we were threatened with being sent to boarding school and the threat of it was enough to get us toe the line My mam went to boarding school for secondary school almost 50 years ago, she had to go because even though she lived 10 miles away from the school the local bus service wouldnt get her there on time, she didnt like it at first but luckily enough she got to go home at weekends and had a close relationship with her parents, think she did resent though that a few years later her younger sister didnt have to board
Bubski Posts: 1785
Your sister really does sound like she couldnt give a sh1t about anyone bar herself. Did she really not go to your wedding? Why is she up herself soooo much? I can kinda see the 7 yr old point of view though as well and especially if the rest of the kids get to go home or see the parents in between. Definaltely make up packages of sweeties and magazines n girly stuff for her to send as that will make her feel wanted and she knows then someone is remembering her.