in laws and new babies

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corkbtb Posts: 14
Just want to ask the current mammies about how things went with the in laws after birth of their little bundles. For reasons that I wont mention, I want to have little enough contact with them. I have been sustaining that for the last few years and it has gone fine but Ive noticed now that they are beginning to build up steam again ,like calling over when not invited and ringing me on my mobile(I stopped that a few years ago, letting my DH discuss things with his family and me with mine). These people can try to dominate and can be very difficult and need to know their boundaries and these unscheduled visits and calls etc dont bode well for when baby comes. The way I see it, visiting them once a month with baby should be ok. What does everyone think? They are local(about 5 miles away) That means visiting the other set about once a month too. And giving us two weeks to be just ourself , a new little family What do you think? Is once a month ok for the grannies and grand dads My own family are not pushy at all Oh yeah , another question, do the mammies out there always go with DH and baby to visit his parents .It would only be for a few hours and i could go off and do my own thing I guess which would suit me down to the ground thanksxxxxxxxxxxx
originalwoowoo Posts: 867
Not knowing your circumstances it is difficult, as all situations are different. There is no way my mother could last a couple of days without seeing DS and calls him all the time when she is away(despite the minor detail that he cannot speak!!) However, DH's parents have not made any effort to contact us in months! No calls, etc and we have just given up, its them that is missing out. It is perfectly acceptable for your DH to bring babs to see the parents on his own and giving you some free time, you will need it. If they cannot resist seeing the baby and wanting to drop in you need to get them to call before they come and have DH speak to them to explain this and also not to be offended if you tell them it is not a good time, because sometimes it will not be. Start as you mean to go on and set clear boundaries.
corkbtb Posts: 14
Problem is my DH parents are the 'intruding' kind and I certainly dont want to be meeting them every weekend (been there done that) where they just 'happen to be passing'and turn up at the doorstep. There were times in the lead up to our wedding and on our wedding day that these people were despicable. They like to control and dominate and I could not have my weekends like that. My DH only wants to see them with baby once a month. My parents on the other hand live 100 miles away. They have been nothing but supportive and giving to us as a couple. My DH loves them . I would love if my parents were closer as they they would be a tremendous support to us but its not to be. Thanks for the reply
notlongtogo Posts: 5040
It has taken myself and DH a long while to be settled in an arrangement that suits both of us when it comes to our families. His family are grand only come over when invited and even then dont stay long, my family are grand to but needed a bit more work. We usually see his family once or twice a fortnight and mine the same maybe a bit more often. I have a day off during the week so i try and see my family on my own then. We tried him going to his parents on his own and vice versa but this upset both families as they wanted us over together so we do that now and its been working fine. We both make sure we dont stay for hours. When the baby arrives, my MIL said they wont call over unless asked first so im not to worry she wont be crowding me. My Mam will have 2 grandchildren born in same month so chances are ill see very little of her too. I dont mind my parents calling over to me when im at home but i do like them to be gone by time DH gets home. It nothing really personal but i know he prefers it as would i if it were his parents there when i got home from work. I love my routines and i find when my family call over (very occassionally tbh) this is gone out the window, its fine now but will annoy me more when i have the baby. Corkbtb, his family seem to be getting excited if they are initiating more contact, again without knowing the circumstances they will be enititled to some contact. I doubt if either family will be happy with only seeing you all once a month. Its up to you whether you can put up with them giving out about it. Would you mind if when you go to see your parents your DH doesnt come and he goes off and does his own thing for that time, if the answer is no then i think you should be free to do the same. Even thought its hard to get on with inlaws at times, remember this is your DH family and just make sure he is happy with these decision.
Elliecat Posts: 2725
Not knowing your situation with your in-laws, and taking into consideration that everyone's family is very different, I'd personally feel that once a month is very little for them to see the baby especially considering they live 5 minutes away. Now both me and dh would be very close to our families, and I'll probably see both my own family and the inlaws a couple of times a week, but I do that now anyway and I have no problems with people calling either on the phone or to the house. A baby changes a lot in a month so I think its a bit unfair to restrict it this much. Also, I know I'll be glad of the support of both families when I've had baby, and I think its inportant to have that support network for when the child is growing up too. If you really don't get on with them, then letting your dh go over with the baby on his own some of the time will probably get around this, but you'd probably need to show your face the odd time to avoid causing a real rift. Again, only my personal opinion based on my own realtionship s with family.
corkbtb Posts: 14
Thanks ladies I think we will have to go with what suits us. My DH only wants contact approx once a month It still means we are meeting grandparents twice a month. Neither of us want to be restriced on the other weekends as DH works hard and wants private family time and is not close with family at all and has had many difficulties with them In terms of his parents providing us with support , I doubt it . (given their past history-It is amazing in some ways that I have maintained the contact I have with them) I do not want us to be put in a stressful situation on weekends because of their rudeness and bad behavior and want to protect this very special family unit of ours.
pricilla Posts: 1564
Well, they might want to see the baby a bit more than once a month, that doesn't mean they can just drop by though. Is there any way they could meet the baby elsewhere? There's no way I could have someone I didn't like intruding on me with a new baby, NO WAY!! If I were you I'd say to H2B, "they are welcome to see the baby but they are not coming here to our house!" Leave him to deal with it and don't let them bully you!!
Elliecat Posts: 2725
Hey Cork, I just read your post on the MIL thread, and it sounds like you have a really lovely set of in-laws!!! I don't blame you for restricting the amount of time you spend with them, their negativity can only have an adverse affect on your family, so as long as both of you are happy with whatever arrangement you come to, that's all that really matters.
oirish Posts: 1541
i've already started to worry about this. His parents are the intruding know no boundaries type also . mil has gotten back in the habit of phoning me every single day since we told them i'm pregnant - she had been doing it for ages but I just started not answering. she calls in at least every second day then drones on about the most ridiculous things and if she mentions weight one more time >:o( They only live down the road. dh is an only child. this is their first grandchild. I can only see it getting worse and the amount of rows we have over their overbearing habits are unreal. I've no advice sorry because I dont know what to do myself.
corkbtb Posts: 14
Thanks ladies One of my concerns is that darling DH has always felt as if he was 'third rate' in the family, he was never listened to and nothing he did was ever good enough. His sisters and brothers have always been the 'golden ones'. I am very nervous that they will try to continue this pattern through to the next generation where they wont treat their grandchildren equally(especially as his two sisters have babies under six months) . Oirish sweetie, you could be in for a roughish ride. If things are getting to you , you might have to get youre DH to discuss with his Mam about what is acceptable and what is not. You are only 9 weeks at the moment so there is time. Ringing you every day is ridiculous . However, now that you have stopped answering it that should stop. Also, calling every second day isnt good . How dare she make a comment about weight!!!!! Good luck girlxxx