A woman was standing before the bedroom mirror, admiring herself in her
new outfit before going out. She posed this way and that before her
husband, who looked on with disinterest, then remarked, 'Your bum is the
size of a 3-burner barbecue!'
Later that evening, tucked up and cozy in bed he lent over, tapped her
on the shoulder, and said, 'How bout it? She replied 'No thanks, It's
not worth lighting the whole Barbecue for half a sausage!'
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 47th birthday. She spends €6,000
and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a
news-stand to buy a paper.
Before leaving she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my
asking, but how old do you think I am?"
About 32," the clerk replies.
I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the
She replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47!"
Now she is feeling really good about herself. While waiting for the bus
home, she asks an old man the same question.
He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young,
there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let
me put my hands up your jumper Then, I can tell exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of
the woman and she finally says,"What the hell, go ahead".
The old man slips both hands down up her jumper aand begins to feel around.
After several minutes she says,"Okay, Okay, how old am I?"
He removes his hands slowly and says,"You are 47."
Stunned, the woman says, "That is amazing. How do you know?"
The old man replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's."
A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back.” Where are you going, Coochy Coo?” asked the wife.
“I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face. I’m going to have a beer.” The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, “Yes, Lollipop…but at the bar…you know…they have frozen glasses… ”
He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?” She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious…I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?”
“You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie h?” She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.
“But my sweet honey…at the bar….you know there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…”
“You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?…”LISTEN UP D*CKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE F*CK UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR F*CKIN’ HORS D’OEUVRES. BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN’T GOING TO A F*CKIN’ BAR! THAT SH*IT IS OVER… GOT IT, AS*HOLE?”
…and they lived happily ever after.
Things That Are Difficult To Say When You’re Drunk:
Things That Are Very Difficult To Say When You’re Drunk:
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
Things That Are Downright Impossible To Say When You’re Drunk:
1. Thanks, but I don’t want to have s*x.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
4. Supermacs? No thanks, I’m not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn’t! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I’m not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I’d hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.