Living situation sucks. Need some advice

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fianstef Posts: 1
So, my fiancé and I currently live apart and we're getting married next year, but all of a sudden the fact of where we'll be living has been causing a lot of problems. He already lives alone in his own apartment which he owns with his brother and I live with my parents. He's a guy, and in being a guy, he decorated the apartment in very manly way to say the least. I live with my parents and love interior design and it was my dream to marry him and live in a beautiful apartment that we both decorated, but mostly with my taste. Anyway, he keeps arguing that he hates moving and doesn't want to move and spend more money and that I should just move in with him. But what irritates me is that he just expects me to merge with his stuff and not bring anything of my own into our new home. The apartment already has a history, it's not a fresh start, and I really don't like the apartment either way, and it goes against every fiber in my heart to move in with him where he lives right now. Nothing would feel ours, everything would be his and I would just be using it and feel like shit. I've tried to find solutions but he always says that he hates moving and that he doesn't want to throw his things away. What do I do? I'm afraid he might postpone everything until I give in.
craftyPB Posts: 2625
Firstly, your last sentence doesn't make your relationship sound very stable - if he's the kind of man who would postpone unto he gets his way then he wouldn't be the kind of man I would marry, but aside from that.... I think you both need to talk it out. You need to decide what you both want. Where do you want to live, how do you want to live? If it's not an area you want to live in then he can't force you! I moved in with my fiancé to a house he owned - he bought it when we had just started going out and we always kinda decorated it together as he valued my opinion. It wasn't a house I could see myself raising a family in or in an area I wanted to live in for the rest of my life but it was perfect for the time being. When I moved in and brought my things with me we found space to display them. Both of us decluttered too so we didn't have two of things. Then, when we were married about 6months we sold his house and bought our forever home which we are currently decorating to our tastes. Surely if you were to move in you'd both be able to compromise and change the decor to suit you both?? Where do you see yourself long term? What does he see long term and do these match?
Noisin Posts: 448
Agree with crafty, the statement you made of your fear of him postponing a wedding if this isn't resolves to his liking would worry me. You need to discuss this, what does he think your going to move in, and you not being entirely happy doesn't matter! Well, he owns it with his brother, so it is never going to be both yours, has he thought about that issue! The whole idea of living together is that the home is both of yours, not necessarily owning the property but he has to expect you to want to put your own personal taste on the apartment, that's a natural process of making a house your home. I moved in with my husband before we got married to his house and I love it, it's a totally different house to when I moved in, saying that he hadn't a lot done, but over time, I got rid of all the furniture as it was second hand, got new curtains/Roman blinds, new floor finishes, new furniture in bedrooms, cost a lot of money and I did loads and I'm still no where near finished. Anything I took out kept it for my rental properties or sold off. I don't blame you if it was me and he owned it with his brother, I would rather it sold off and start afresh in a new apartment or house. If you plan on starting out in this apartment together in your newly married life then he needs to be reasonable and accept change. There is alot to be said for living together before you get married, at least you can iron out any issues and if there not resolvable well that a different story!!! Hope all works out ok for you!
MrsSparkle2B Posts: 1689
[quote="fianstef":1rtnss9a] I live with my parents and love interior design and it was my dream to marry him and live in a beautiful apartment that we both decorated, [b:1rtnss9a]but mostly with my taste.[/b:1rtnss9a] [/quote:1rtnss9a] Two things struck me when reading this, the first thing is the above so maybe that's why he's so reluctant to move as it doesn't sound like he will have much input into his own home?? Second of all is you are getting married & never have lived together? I'm sure it's common enough but living with someone can be hard, it takes a lot of adjusting and cooperation on both sides. Finally, Marriage is all about compromise, its not about wearing a big white dress & a party, not one person gets their way & the other can lump it which is the vibe coming from both of you in this thread. There are more serious tones here need addressed before so you need a good adult conversation to sort all of this out. Best of luck.