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winterbride 06 Posts: 246
Hi Everyone. I want your advice on something please. My best friend had a miscarriage this week. I really want to comfort her. As I don’t know what she is going through I don’t really know what to say. She is finding it really hard. If you have gone through this before or know of anyone who has, what did you do or say to them. I also want to bring her flowers but then again it that just being thoughtless. I fell really sorry for her as everyone is saying that these things happen, but that does not make her fell any better. Thanks in advance.
clucky Posts: 26471
what i found helped was people not spouting '' you are young it will happen '' kind of crap basically call around to her and just listen - if she wants to talk listen and if she doesnt then just sit with her watching mindless tv or let her cry on your shoulder if she needs it flowers definitely help
Phoenix Posts: 836
Think mother hen is right.... Just let her talk if she needs to ..... or let her be quiet if she needs to. Just let her know that you are here for you if she needs you and you love her and want to be around for her. She will appreciate it, trust me.. Hope she will be feeling better soon. :thnk Flowers always help.
strawberry shortcake Posts: 9094
like the girls said just be there for her, no silyl comments like the above, she will come to you if she needs to talk
bibikay Posts: 644
Having had two m/c, I know that I didn't really want to speak with people too much.. I kind of liked to deal with them in my own way, in my own time and with my DH. What I did appreciate was when my closest friends called/texted to let me know that they were thinking of me and that they were there for me when I was up to meeting with them - I also appreciated that a couple of people sent me flowers. Purely personally speaking, one of my closest friends who is a great listener wanted to come straight over and sit with me and talk to me, but this was more what she wanted, rather than what I wanted, iykwim? She had no problem when I told her that, instead, I just needed some time to get my own head around things, and then I met her a week later. Not saying that's the situ with your friend... maybe she will love you to come over, but I would deffo check with her what she would prefer rather than rush in and maybe crowding her a bit. The main thing is that you obviously care for her, and so long as that comes across, be it through phone/meetings/flowers/whatever that's all that counts. HTH
winterbride 06 Posts: 246
Thanks Girls Bibikay thanks for the great advice. My friend has just text me saying that she does not want to talk or see anyone. I totally understand that, she has said she just wants to be on her own and at the moment no one can say or do anything that can help. You see her mother died a few years back and I am so worried about her as she wont talk, she will just cry to herself each night. I will send her a card and flowers, she knows that I am here for her. There is nothing more that I can do until she is ready. Thanks again.
bibikay Posts: 644
Hi Winterbride as you say, there is nothing more you can do until she is ready. However, even if she does cry herself to sleep every night, don't be too concerned about it... that's when I tend to do my crying as well, and there is nothing wrong with it, it's just her way (and my way) of dealing with things. The friend I mentioned earlier is big into "talking out your feelings" and "sharing" etc etc, so at time of my 1st m/c I know she thought I was a bit odd not to want to do the same. And, like you, she was worried that I was "bottling it all up" and just "crying to myself at night". But, I was fine - obviously grieving like your friend, but just grieving in a different way to how my friend does things. Give her time - maybe send flowers, and give her some space and she too will be fine. Maybe put a reminder in your mobile phone of when her due date would have been, and when it comes close to the time just mention to her that you remembered it.. I'd say she will appreciate the fact that you think of her m/c so many months later. Good luck.
Sphynx Posts: 6795
The girls are right - give her time but let her know you're there and thinking of her and ready to talk when she's ready. Sending flowers is a lovely idea - a friend sent us a bunch that we put on the grave and we were very touched. We also got a couple of mass cards, which were really appreciated. I would say the main thing when talking to her is to say that you have no idea what she has gone through. A couple of friends really irritated me by acting like they knew what I had experienced - referring to other people they knew who had a m/c and referring to the fact that it was like "a really bad period" when it was nothing like that at all. Your friend is v. lucky indeed to have such a thoughtful friend as you and she will talk to you when she is ready.
Lilly* Posts: 153
As someone who just had a miscarriage 2weeks ago I find it so hard when people say "there is always next time" the most touching thing was my cousin giving me a candle to lit for the baby
Mrs Lucy06 Posts: 929
I think this is such a hard thing to experience, the loss of a child. Would be really nice to have something in memory of the loss, maybe a plant or tree or something? Lucy :o)ll