Mother In Law and Visiting

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MrsPositive Posts: 1548
Hi girls, How do you all get along with your mother in laws? Mine is tough going and hard work, just when you think shes not so bad bang! she comes out with a clanger that just 'hangs there'. I dearly love my husband and I know of course he adores his mother but he admits that she is very very hard work, luckily for me they live quite a bit away so wont be dropping by twice a week but Im already thinking to when the baby is born and maybe they inviting themselves to stay for a weekend, I think Id be more stressed over that than labour! lol Of course they're going to want to see their grandchild and I want them to be part of their lives but what ever it is about her she just rubs me up the wrong way, be it with sly digs or hinting that I like a good lifestyle (we dont) it really just annoys me, shes visited just once before and found fault with things like, saying my living room was a bit dark, it was evening and the lights were off, Id only just moved in and the house was looking great and thats the best she could come up with. When we showed her our bedroom she thought it looked 'like a hotel' and that wasnt said in a wow way it was said in a 'Jaysus how could you relax here way'. Im not reading too much into it as my husband has noticed it too, things also happened in the run up to our wedding over money and also on the day she made nothing of me shes just a very selfish person and has no daughters so thinks she knows everything about her sons! Id have to spend about two months cleaning before she would arrive even though I keep the house immaculate, she would find fault, everything has to be done, a 'special way' I washed the dishes in their house one night and left them on the draining board like she told me, whatever look over I gave she was there washing them all again. Am I being an irrational b1tch?
bobby2012 Posts: 644
I don't know your mother in law, but from my own experience - no, you aren't. I don't get on with mine very well, we basically just tolerate each other. Her son avoids her, so it does make my life easier to an extent. We have a lot of issues (mostly they have a lof of issues and I'm 100% on his side) so let's just say it's not pretty. Tell her, as politely as you can, that she is not to visit you until you're ready. You have a perfectly good reason: it is your first baby (I pressume?), a huge change for you, and you need time to adjust. Believe me you will have enough to worry about withough that little dust speck on the stairs she might notice and comment on. You're the new parents, it's your rules. Tell her you will visit as soon as you're back on your feet. If you visit her instead, it has a plus side because you can just get up and leave when you feel like it and end that visit whenever you desire.
tilsun Posts: 4506
My advice is kind of twofold The first part is that you cannot change your mil but you can change how you react to her. Don't dream of cleaning for her arrival, if she makes any comment on the dirt, silently remind yourself that being a great mother comes far before having a spotless house. You need to find a way to improve your own confidence so that her snide remarks don't get to you. I know that's easier said than done, but hopefully you and your mil will have a lot of years in each others lives so you have to try to make it work. For her staying over when the baby arrives, you are well within your rights to delay such a stay. Ask your OH to explain that you both want it to be just the three of you for a while. She can visit for a few hours but not stay over. Best of luck with it all. I struggle with my in-laws at times but I find that seeing how much they love my babies makes it a lot easier to bite my tongue
mummytime Posts: 3149
You will be surprised at how the addition of a grandchild to the mix can completely change the dynamics between you both. I found my MIL very hard work before the kids came along and used to dread visiting her and vice versa. I used to find her so negative and could literally feel the life being sucked out of me in her presence. Since the boys came along though we get on fine. She loves the boys as much as I do and that has definitely helped soften relation between us. We chat mainly about the boys and anyway they create so much mayhem that there is very little time to make or notice any sly digs. I’m sure she hasn’t had a personality transplant and is probably still as negative but I just don’t notice it anymore. I remember being very apprehensive about her first visit after DS1 was born but really didn’t want to dissuade her from seeing her first grandson and in hindsight I am glad I welcomed her as I see now how much they mean to her. They have kind of given her a new lease of life and something positive to focus on. The relationship between kids and their grandparents is very special and something which we as parents should encourage. I say all this though with the benefit of hindsight so completely understand your concerns. I hope your experience is similar.
paperclips Posts: 3146
I feel so sorry when I read posts from people who don't get on with their inlaws, in particular MILs. I'm so lucky that I have great inlaws so I cant say that I know what you're going through. Why don't you try making plans for her to come and see the baby when its born but have them on your terms iykwim. Say the baby is due on March 01, a couple of weeks before hand, why don't you invite her to come and see the baby two/three weekends after the baby is born. Explain to her that it will give you a chance to settle in at home and that after a couple of weeks you'll be ready for visitors. That way you will know when to expect her and you're inviting her when you want to have her to stay if that makes sense. It wont be the case that she rings you up and says to you I'm coming on x day for x nights. If you have to have a section and feel like you'll need more recovery time, ask your DH to ask her to visit for a couple of hours but the overnight stay will have to wait until your feeling up to having overnight visitors. Start as you mean to go on with her. Maybe things will change just like mummytime suggested!
MrsPositive Posts: 1548
awh thanks girls its great that Im not the only one this is an issue for. Paperclips you're so lucky, I dream of getting on with my MIL and loving her as much as my own mother but its never going to happen, I sometimes thinks that she believes Ive taken her son from her, (she adores my husband) and that Im the woman in his life now, and shes redundant as such. Drives me crackers. I've tried killing her with kindness that doesnt work, and lately when she passed some sly remark I retaliated back which I think now she knows she upset me, which I wanted her to know, I dont want to be walked all over and be bullied. But she has a new daughter in law now that only barely knows her yet and she said 'oh shes lovely and shes this and that' probably to wind me up. Now she is a lovely girl and lives very close to her so i hope she doenst plague them. Thing is if they visit after baby is born it will have to be an overnight stay or two as they live so far away. i was thinking of booking them into a b and b and saying look I dont want your nights sleep disrupted by a crying baby it wouldnt be fair so we'd pay for the bed and breakfast for them. Oh why cant it be easier, why isnt she loving and caring and just delighted that her son is healthy and happy besides just throwing nasty comments out of jealousy. she still treats him like a 5 year old, texting him reminders and stuff. aggh
Weird Cat Lady Posts: 3501
Some sound advice there from Tilsun. It's good to have a rant but try not to dwell on the negative aspects of the relationship, if you can. Mentally extracting yourself from inlaw negativity, however legitimate, really takes some concerted effort and a bit of denying ourselves, if ye know what I mean. That's just what I've found meself. Avoid the drawn out analysis. There's the comfort of commonalities in these types of discussions but every family dynamic is unique. Let your fella negotiate the visit schedules, which he'll no doubt do diplomatically. Try not to carry the burden of those arrangements, you've plenty to be getting on with. Keep positive, and besta luck.
MrsPositive Posts: 1548
Yes I know you're right tismeself, I need to distance myself from it and just say that if we were all the same the world would be no fun. lets hope the little baby changes her a little bit and I can change to suit her to a degree aswell, Her husband is a dream, Im mad about him, hes a saint. Have a lovely weekend x
buttercupbabe Posts: 1224
[quote="mummytime":1avtutvs]You will be surprised at how the addition of a grandchild to the mix can completely change the dynamics between you both. I found my MIL very hard work before the kids came along and used to dread visiting her and vice versa. I used to find her so negative and could literally feel the life being sucked out of me in her presence. Since the boys came along though we get on fine. She loves the boys as much as I do and that has definitely helped soften relation between us. We chat mainly about the boys and anyway they create so much mayhem that there is very little time to make or notice any sly digs. I’m sure she hasn’t had a personality transplant and is probably still as negative but I just don’t notice it anymore. I remember being very apprehensive about her first visit after DS1 was born but really didn’t want to dissuade her from seeing her first grandson and in hindsight I am glad I welcomed her as I see now how much they mean to her. They have kind of given her a new lease of life and something positive to focus on. The relationship between kids and their grandparents is very special and something which we as parents should encourage. I say all this though with the benefit of hindsight so completely understand your concerns. I hope your experience is similar.[/quote:1avtutvs] +1 same here
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