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Mother In Law Involvement

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Raindeer Posts: 169
I am really worried about how involved my mother in law is going to be with our baby. I hate the woman but she is my husband’s mother. It's not like we just don’t like each other, despite a few runs ins with her I actually get on well with her for his sake. However, she is like someone I have never know, she left my husband and family for another man years when he was 16 and their father died 6 years ago. They have always forgiven her for everything she does and says, she keeps on digging the knife in when she should be begging them for forgiveness every day. Its a very weird relationship with her kids in the fact that they have no respect for her but never stand up to her and keep on taking her crap. Thing is my husband is fully aware of the kind of person she is but just lets everything fly. She would never stand up to me because she knows what I am capable of saying to her but when I am not there she goes back to her usual self. E.G. when we came back from holidays and brought nothing back for her she told us not to worry but then gave out to my husband when I was gone. My husband would never take her side over mine but I am so worried about when baby comes, despite what a cow she is my husband thinks she is right about a lot of things, he really wants me to breastfeed and so do I but he has no idea how hard it is. She tells him that it was no bother to her at all, also she wants us to tell her what names we are thinking of so she can tell us weather she likes them or not. I put him in her place about that but I just worry so much about when baby comes. I am not as strong as I think and I worry that her opinion is going to be too much for me when I am trying to cope with the new arrival, lack of sleep, trying to breastfeed, caring for baby. My husband is an amazing person and with my hormones lately I have been giving him a hard time over everything, I wish I could be more thick skinned like him but its hard. Sorry this is so long............................ Is anyone in the same boat or gone through something similar. I guess what I am really wondering is am I going to care about her opinion or are we going to be too happy and busy to even notice?????? O:| O:| O:|
pricilla Posts: 1564
Firstly, [u:1drenvnn]don't tell her any names[/u:1drenvnn]. Actually, don't tell anyone any names until the baby is actually named. She doesn't sound like someone who's an expert on being a good mother if she treats her kids so poorly. If she brings up the breastfeeding again, just say to your husband "there's more to being a mother than breastfeeding, my priority is to be a happy mother and to have a happy baby" End of story. His family are not alone, it seem really common to have a drama-queen type in every family that everyone panders to, it's hard for a non family member to understand when they can see straight through the person though! Hope it all works out, don't let anyone bully you, you have your own instincts so follow them and apologise to nobody. :o0
MissieGold Posts: 1124
I totally agree with Priscilla - DO NOT let her get involved, certainly not in decisions like names and breastfeeding. they are totally private to you and DH and nobody elses business to comment upon. By the sounds of it she does not deserve to be. If she was a good mother she wouldn't be putting her son or you in that position. My poor MIL spent hours brousing through baby shops but wouldn't buy anything until I had started buying a few bits myself first so as not to upset me if I wanted to be the first to start buying for the baby (not that I would have minded) but she is way too considerate for her own good. Wish it was infectious for your sake though.
Raindeer Posts: 169
Hi Ladies Thanks for your advice, I have no intentions of telling her anything expect the wrong thing. I was thinking I could tell her that we have decided on calling them after either one of my parents because they are such wonderful people!!!!! It's really hard to know how to handle the whole situation, thing is she would be brilliant at babysitting and would drop anything to be involved, i could really take advantage of that, but there is a price to pay!!!!. My mum is great but she raised 6 of us and we would never take advantage of her, she doesn't really offer babysitting that much because she is very busy herself. If I use and abuse her am I stooping to her level???? My sister in law hates her too so i have an a friend, however she doesn't wants kids so might not understand.
Baby Mad Posts: 1756
[quote="MissieGold":381eenwk] My poor MIL spent hours brousing through baby shops but wouldn't buy anything until I had started buying a few bits myself first so as not to upset me if I wanted to be the first to start buying for the baby (not that I would have minded) but she is way too considerate for her own good. Wish it was infectious for your sake though.[/quote:381eenwk] What a lovely MIL you have. That was very considerate of her. I'm a bit like that I have to say but my MIL has already started to buy things and we haven't even had our first scan yet. It really gets on my wick. I know, I know, she's good to do it but I wanted to start buying myself. She's has bought a buggy (horrible I might add) and a sterliser and LOADS of other stuff, its too long to list and it's really annoying me (they live abroad so it will be handy not to have to cart loads of things over but I would never pick a buggy for someone without them seeing it >:o( ). I know I might sound ungreatful but I feel like she's smothering me ALREADY O:| God knows what it will be like when the baby arrives (all going well obviously) Aaaaarrrrggggghhhh, just my little rant, sorry for taking over :-8
pricilla Posts: 1564
Babymad, tell her to take back the buggy that you may be having twins! Then you can tell her that you have a tradition in your family that the godparents buy the buggy, so thanks but no thanks. At least she is abroad! Hells bells, I don't know what to say. It looks like you will pay the price if she is involved. I wouldn't use anyone I hated for a babysitter, I wouldn't inflict them on the poor baby!! Also, if it was me, I'd rather stay in for the rest of my life than have someone I disliked intruding into my life.
John Walsh Guitar
Baby Mad Posts: 1756
[quote="Pricilla"]Babymad, tell her to take back the buggy [b:2c98m854]that you may be having twins![/b:2c98m854]Then you can tell her that you have a tradition in your family that the godparents buy the buggy, so thanks but no thanks. At least she is abroad!quote] :o0 :o0 We've told her that my mam wants to buy our buggy (when we decide what WE want) and hubby already told her that we didn't like flashy colours and she went out and bought a red buggy. I HATE the colour red. Didn't seem to do anything, she still hasn't brought it back. >:o(
Forgottenpassword Posts: 1078
Okay you don't like her. But, whatever she did or did not do when your husband was growing up is not really your business. You know her as the woman she is now and I don't feel you should be judging her on her past. If your husband can get over it well it really is not your gripe. Now all that said - I do not want to allow anyone that we don't like look after our darling baby. It would not feel right to me. If I do not want to spend time with someone well then I sure as hell do not want my baby to have to. Tell her nothing, don't even tell her the wrong thing just say you are not sharing that information. We have had our baby named since we were 20 weeks pregnant and have not told anyone - it is our business only and even if they ask that is what they are told. So at the end of it all it will be up to you and your DH how much or how little you let her get into your baby's life. You set the bar and you allow her as much or as little access as suits you both. Good luck with it all - I feel so blessed that I get on well with my In laws and DH gets on well with my parents - helps that we are on the other side of the world though :o0 FP
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