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Mum isn't well at all - what's the protocol?

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architec Posts: 1306
my mum has been very ill with cancer since shortly after my h2b and I got engaged in November. For a while in March, the interim scan showed that she was responding really well to the chemo, and there was a good chence she'd be stabilised for at least a few months, if not up to a year. We named our date in early september 07 confident that she'd be there, and that she'd have time to let her hair grow again, recover her sense of taste, all that sort of thing etcetc. However, her final chemo session made her quite ill, and she was brought into hospital on Good Friday with a terrible back pain. it turned out she has MRSA in her lung, and this was causing a massive infection. However, in their attempts to identify what was going on, they scanned her and saw that the cancer has spread. Now they're planning on giving her a longer course of lighter doses. But no one is very hopeful for her. I'm really really afraid she'll pass away before the wedding and she won't be there. I've been feeling pretty devastated for the past few days, although I have a few moments when I don't remember it and everything is all right for a while. My h2b is fantastic, a real rock, I don't know what I'd do without him - if I ever needed proof I have a goood man, this is certainly providing plently of proof!! I suppose what I am asking you ladies is what the protocol is for wedding postponements. We're goping to go ahead and send out the invites in May so it still gives her something to aim for (this wedding is for her, not me - I just want her to be there and have a ball, after that I'm happy as larry). However, if something happens between now and september, do we send out cards to everyone invited informing them that we have to cancell the wedding? And what is the situation with picking a date after a death in the family? Is a year too short/too long to wait? Does anyone have any experience of this? I know these are very pragmatic questions involving such an emotionally charged subject, but there are so many unknown quantities about the next few months - family, wedding, relationships - that a few certainties would be really appreciated. Could I also ask you girls to please PLEASE pray for her to be stabilised again? I don't know if I can go through with getting married if she's not there with me...She's my best friend and if anything happens to her I swear I don't know how I'll cope...... Thanks girls, you've always been so good. Thanks for reading this.
mammybean Posts: 10364
hi ya, my mum died suddenly. she died at the end of november and my brother was due to get married the first friday in may of the next year. he was all for postponing it but everyone told him not to. i dont really know what else to say to you. is there any chance you could bring it forward? or maybe get married in a civil ceremony wth her there and then have the big wedding later?
Tan Posts: 191
Dear Architec Just read your post and had to reply and say how sorry i am for your troubles. Could you possibly bring the wedding forward or is that a definate no? Not sure if there is a general protocol on these things im not sure but fingers crossed that your mum will be ok. You are both in my prayers.
bingowings Posts: 1388
Hi Architec, I'm very sorry that your mum is so ill. Your story is very similar to mine Is there any way you could bring your date forward?
BBS Posts: 405
Hi archetic My heart goes out to you. I lost my mum to cancer 7 yrs ago and I know how hard it is. My Mum was diagnosed in January so my brother brought forward his wedding to May of that year and thankfully she attended. She passed away 4 weeks later. All I can say to you is try and bring forward wedding if possible. It will also give your mum something positive to aim for. I know it kept my mum going. She actually gave in to her bed a few days after wedding and basically never came out. The civil ceremony might be a good idea also. You could have that pretty quickly. Again, my thoughts are with you and hope you work things out.
rio Posts: 995
[quote="beanies girl":21jc0ax3]hi ya, my mum died suddenly. she died at the end of november and my brother was due to get married the first friday in may of the next year. he was all for postponing it but everyone told him not to. i dont really know what else to say to you. is there any chance you could bring it forward? or maybe get married in a civil ceremony wth her there and then have the big wedding later?[/quote:21jc0ax3] so very sorry to hear this all, but as beanies girl said could you get married now in a civil cermony and have a big wedding later or get married as soon as you can agree it for immedaite family and then have a big party/reception later. also am sure you mum wouldn't want you to cancel your big day with or without her, give your ma a big hugs from us all here and fingers crossed for her, you'll all be in my prayers. :wv
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redb Posts: 347
Darling - if there is ANY way you can bring your wedding forward - i know everyone on here would bend over backwards to help you get it organised and everyone would be happy to pitch in with invites or organising a party or anything. My sister is a professional party planner and i'd be happy out to ask her in to helping or getting some favours called in too. I know i dont know you but even reading your message made me cry as what you are going through is my worst nightmare. I'm so very very close to my mum and i'd be broken hearted if anything happened to her. 6 months away might be a bit daunting for your mum to get to but a month would give her something achievable to really look forward to and if you plan the day around her taking rests etc, it would be perfect. You can have a big white blessing at a later date but it would mean that she would be there to see her daughter marry a wonderful man and every mother wants that. The Civil Ceremony would be a great idea and i'm sure there are loads of places that you can have a luncheon or some sort of celebration. I'm sure the registry office gets cancellations !!! Do have a good think about it and come back and let us know how she is and if you've made a decision !! Fingers crossed for you and your mammy.
Topolino Posts: 1659
[quote:15ve8jat]Could I also ask you girls to please PLEASE pray for her to be stabilised again?[/quote:15ve8jat] Definitely. Consider it done.
Eris Posts: 870
So sorry to hear that honey. I will include her in my prayers. If I were in your position, I think I would try to bring forward the wedding - it might be possible if you explain it to the hotel and other suppliers etc, that you could even have all the same stuff but get married on an odd day like a Wednesday or something instead. If you can pick a date when she'll be at her best, she might be able to be there, to enjoy your day and see her beloved daughter get married. If it isn't possible to do that or if there's no way she'll be well enough to attend any part of it, then maybe postponing it for your own sake is the thing to do. Or postpone the celebration and allow her to see you get married to the man you love, even if it's in a quickie civil ceremony. As for announcing any changes, I think it could be done by phone calls to family and close friends and by a simple postcard or note to others. Best of lucky honey. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. :xxx
Looney07 Posts: 2393
Architec, I am so sorry to hear your mum is so ill. I don't know the protcol for this but I agree with the others who suggest bringing the wedding forward. You will have to apply to the courts for marriage licence if you do change the date and it is within 3 months but I am sure it will not be a problem. Maybe you could talk t your mother and see how she feels and what she would like. I'm sure she would like to see her daughter marry and would love to be part of this special day. Once again I am so sorry to hear this news, my thoughts and prayers are with you