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My marriage is over I can't take it anymore

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babydust2012 Posts: 4736
Oh girls, Where do I begin. It's been many a year since I've been on here posting and I'm sad to say I'm now looking at advice on ending my relationship. I blame myself for bringing two beautiful children into the mix and I often wonder is that all I ever really wanted to begin with. Problems arose not long after we got married and I was pregnant on my first child. I discovered he was taking money I was giving him for our credit union loan (almost 4years ago). I questioned him about it but let it go at the time because we were having a baby. Fast forward a few months and me being me had envelopes of money lying around the house with different amounts of cash etc for bills, savings, childrens allowance monies etc and they were dwindling away infront of my eyes. Numerous times I confronted him about the missing money and for months (as many as 2 years) he made me believe I was going crazy, that I was miscalculating and making a mistake. I don't know how he pulled the wool over my eyes for so long as I'm an intellegent and once confident person but he did. I suppose the shite hit the fan about 12 months ago when I finally got to the root of why he was taking money. He was gambling. I had absolutely ZERO idea he was doing this. He worked 9-5 picked the kids up and was straight home. Neither of us went out much and as much as I resented that at times, I was happy to spend as much time with our children and building a family as possible. I supported him and tried to get him and us help through counselling. I found it so useful and tried to utilise the tools the therapist was giving us. I found it so difficult though as I couldn't rely on him for anything. Yes he was giving me e300 a week for the groceries and childminder but I was still struggling to pay the mortgage, bills and any emergency that arose. For example the boiler going recently and me having to find money from somewhere to pay for a new one. I'm working a 4 day week and earning OK money so I'm robbing peter to pay paul. Things weren't getting better in our relationship though and every time we had an argument it was a situation of him leaving the house for days on end and coming back as I felt sorry for the kids. As of recently he's been taking money again. Doing what with it I don't know. I reached out to his parents for help as I really don't want my family or friends to cast judgement on him as I genuinely felt we could work through it but its so obvious now we can't. So what do I do now? I was only speaking with his mum this morning as a last cry for help but its obvious he hasn't been telling them 100% of the facts so she's less than willing to help me. I'm so emotional and at a loss as to how to move on. I feel I've been left with no choice but to start proceedings for a legal separation. I feel so sorry for my beautiful children who absolutely adore their father? Should I do what my mother in law suggests and not have money in the house or access to my account? Should I bury it under the carpet for the sake of the children at my own mental healths expense. How will I cope if I do follow through with a separation? I'm 37 years old and no scope for extra income. Should I quit my job to take care of my babies? But how would I cope financially? I have no one to turn to, no one to support me. I'm broken. Thanks for reading, its more therapy for myself really to write it all down. :-8
Rasberry Posts: 56
I feel so sad for you and know there are lots of women like you well you probably shouldn't have money lying around thats for sure..he is an addict and won't stop stealing just cause you ask him not to.... Addicts need to hit rock bottom before they can start to build roads to recovery as hard as it is the legal seperation may have to be the way to go.... I wouldn't be hiding the fact the is an addict form your family you will need their support in the future..... I would write it all down for him let him see it in black and white how you are feeling or show him what you just wrote...men are not that great at responding to the words of women but once they see it written down it can hit home better
LadyLizzie Posts: 1724
Hi OP, so sorry to hear about your situation. Your two children are lucky to have such a good mum taking care of them & looking out for what is best for them. If your husband doesn't want to change then unfortunately nothing you say or do will help, he needs to be the impetus for change, to face his gambling addiction. You say you used the tools from counselling & found it useful, how did your husband react to counselling? Once the trust is broken in a relationship it is very hard to regain & move forward, however some couples manage to get there, with a lot of work. It sounds as though you have been patient with him so far & tried your best. I would advise opening your own bank account straight away, that he can't access, and get your wages paid into it plus the childrens' allowance. You need to secure your own funds for the children & yourself. Definitely no more cash lying around the house or in your wallet, keep everything in the bank & just pay for things with a card. I would not give up work at this point, the job market is still shaky & it might be your greatest chance of independence should you decide to separate long term. Next I would tell your family at least, if not your closest friends, you would be amazed how much support is out there. His family don't sound so supportive in this case & I suppose naturally enough they will take his side regardless of the situation. Sweeping things under the carpet won't work! You need someone on your side. Would he move out for a while or would you have to move out somewhere? He could still see the children of course but under a proper schedule? Just while you sort out what you want to do longer term. I presume you have looked into Gamblers Anonymous but they also support the families of those living with a gambler, you might feel less alone: http://www.gamblersanonymous.ie/gamanon/gamanon.html Very best of luck OP, whatever you decide.
Vintage Darling Posts: 430
I don't have anything new to add but didn't want to read and run. By the sounds of it having him out is the only way he'll wake up to what is going on. He has left before and always come back so the next step is up to you. Are you going to look after yourself and your children and insist that he stay out until he addresses and begins to change his ways, are you going to let him stay in the house if he agrees to change his ways? Whatever you decide you need to stick with it because allowing him back before has not made him take responsibility for his actions and address them. If he hasn't made any effort since the original problem and things are still the same then you need to look after yourself an your children first and foremost. His family may not know all the details and my be reluctant to get involved or they could be where he learned his habit from either and maybe don't see as much of an issue with it as you do, whatever the case, you need to let your family know what is happening. You need to be supported now and your OH isn't doing that. You say your children adore him, yes, of course they do but that doesn't win him a free pass to stay in the house and take advantage of you. Your children are watching your relationship and learning what it is like to be an adult from how both of you behave. You have a responsibility to them to ensure they are seeing the best possible example. Yes, he will miss his children and they will miss him but you can not allow that guilt to let him away with deceiving you and taking from you and your children, you deserve better.
San15 Posts: 26
Under no circumstances stay for the sake of the children! All it will do is grind you down and their life will be shit because of it too! If you feel you can save your marriage and genuinely want to then give it one last shot but only do it for you not the kids. They won't thank you for it and when they are adults they will tell you they would have rathered you separated and built a happy life than stayed in this situation being miserable. Best of luck to you x
babydust2012 Posts: 4736
Thank you for all your kind words. I'm still really really upset in work. I did what you suggested Rasbery and emailed him this post along with a few tweaks and his response was basically he hopes I make the right decision for the boys and myself. He believes I can't let the past go but how in all honesty can I if there's nothing changing? I've asked him to leave many times which he obliges me. He keeps saying things like "If its what you really want" or "I'll do ask you ask" which makes me feel like he's playing the victim in all this. Its obvious this is NOT what I want but I can't let myself be used and abused continuously. A problem we have I feel is that the house we live in I bought when I was a single girl so he feels like he should take no responsibility towards the house for example, I recently knocked a wall between the kitchen and living area and not so much as a euro did he give me? Also things like property tax, water rates and management fees come from me? I understand to hand over e300 a week is ALOT of money and I'll be lost without it as I'm on the breadline as it is but in the grand scheme I'm paying that and more. I'm going to give myself a few days to let things settle and for me to get my head around things before I speak to my friends and family. I've confided in my younger sister and she's devastated at the way he's treating me. I will need to apply for free leagl aid as I really don't have the money for a solicitor and hopefully if we do part ways there'll be some tax reliefs or benefits I can claim. What a mess girls, what a mess. :o(
John Walsh Guitar
Vintage Darling Posts: 430
It's €50 for a consultation with a family law solicitor if you can find the money that would give you answers much sooner. There's a place in Tallaght that is very good if that is any use to you? If you can't afford that the citizens advice will be able to help you out but there may be a wait before you can speak to anyone: http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/bi ... ement.html BTW you sound completely right in saying that he is playing the victim by saying he'll do whatever you want. You don't want this anymore than you want to be dealing with this situation at all but one of you has to be an adult and deal with it. Does he not understand the seriousness of the situation or does he not care? It sounds like he just wants whatever means the least amount of effort for him. (Sorry if I sound like I'm being harsh, I do understand that he is your husband and you love him but right now I'm having a hard time feeling any sympathy for him).
NewAdventure2016 Posts: 2
I don't have much to add to the advice that the others have given. The only thing I want to say is that in no way is this your fault or are you to blame. Your husband seems to have a genuine problem that he needs to address. Of course you can do some things to reduce the effect on you (e.g. opening your own bank account) but in no way does that mean that you are at fault. Whatever his issues are that are driving him to gamble your finances and marriage away, only he can make the choice to work on resolving them.
Ash20 Posts: 49
Hi babydust2012 I just read your post then I looked at the date and realized its nearly a year old. How are things now since so much time has past? Really hope things work out for you whatever decision you made.
babydust2012 Posts: 4736
Thanks for posting a year on. Things have been in my mind for the last few weeks and it's nice to sit back and evaluate where we've come as a couple. Since first posting I sent this mail to my husband and his reply wasn't exactly what I had expected. He said I was very hard on him in our relationship and put pressure on him to "get things done". He said he had no confidence in himself (I saw this during our conselling sessions) and that he was in a very low place in himself. We sat down and wrote out a "contract" of things both of us needed to change and where we'd like to be in 12 months, 5yrs & 10yrs time. We both earn an OK wage in that other than our mortgage we are not in any debt but I really want to see us buying a new home as the house we currently live in I bought when I was single and was never meant to be for a family of 4. It's taken a lot of one and trust but k finally feel we are getting somewhere but things have definitely suffered from my lack of trust. For a start I'm not in the least bit interested in sex. I have to admit we don't have regular sex and when we do I'm really pushing myself to do it. Now I know having two small boys doesn't help the libido and I was never a sex maniac but we would've been a lot more active than we are now. Sometimes I feel like I stop myself being happy. You know when he books a restaurant for dinner at back of my mind I'm thinking of ways I could spend that money etc.... I do see him making huge strides in the relationship. He's certainly not gambling anymore and I can rely on him for chipping more with finances and chores etc.... But I still don't feel like I'm "happy" not entirely with the relationship but with me. I really think we are struggling to keep our heads above water with mortgage, cars and just day to day living and it's really upsetting me. We haven't been away for years and even though we had some fabulous holidays at home in Ireland this year is love if we were abroad like what seems like the entire world are doing. Ok so my post is all over the place but the Point is we are still together, we are working through our problems and in general I'm happy we are where we are. I hope we win the lotto and this time next year I'll be in a better place but looking back at this original post I feel we've come a million miles. Thanks for listening.