I blame myself for bringing two beautiful children into the mix and I often wonder is that all I ever really wanted to begin with.
Problems arose not long after we got married and I was pregnant on my first child. I discovered he was taking money I was giving him for our credit union loan (almost 4years ago). I questioned him about it but let it go at the time because we were having a baby.
Fast forward a few months and me being me had envelopes of money lying around the house with different amounts of cash etc for bills, savings, childrens allowance monies etc and they were dwindling away infront of my eyes.
Numerous times I confronted him about the missing money and for months (as many as 2 years) he made me believe I was going crazy, that I was miscalculating and making a mistake.
I don't know how he pulled the wool over my eyes for so long as I'm an intellegent and once confident person but he did.
I suppose the sugar hit the fan about 12 months ago when I finally got to the root of why he was taking money. He was gambling. I had absolutely ZERO idea he was doing this. He worked 9-5 picked the kids up and was straight home.
Neither of us went out much and as much as I resented that at times, I was happy to spend as much time with our children and building a family as possible.
I supported him and tried to get him and us help through counselling. I found it so useful and tried to utilise the tools the therapist was giving us.
I found it so difficult though as I couldn't rely on him for anything. Yes he was giving me e300 a week for the groceries and childminder but I was still struggling to pay the mortgage, bills and any emergency that arose. For example the boiler going recently and me having to find money from somewhere to pay for a new one.
I'm working a 4 day week and earning OK money so I'm robbing peter to pay paul.
Things weren't getting better in our relationship though and every time we had an argument it was a situation of him leaving the house for days on end and coming back as I felt sorry for the kids.
As of recently he's been taking money again. Doing what with it I don't know. I reached out to his parents for help as I really don't want my family or friends to cast judgement on him as I genuinely felt we could work through it but its so obvious now we can't.
So what do I do now? I was only speaking with his mum this morning as a last cry for help but its obvious he hasn't been telling them 100% of the facts so she's less than willing to help me.
I'm so emotional and at a loss as to how to move on. I feel I've been left with no choice but to start proceedings for a legal separation. I feel so sorry for my beautiful children who absolutely adore their father?
Should I do what my mother in law suggests and not have money in the house or access to my account? Should I bury it under the carpet for the sake of the children at my own mental healths expense.
How will I cope if I do follow through with a separation? I'm 37 years old and no scope for extra income. Should I quit my job to take care of my babies? But how would I cope financially? I have no one to turn to, no one to support me. I'm broken.
Thanks for reading, its more therapy for myself really to write it all down.