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Need advice on my marriage.

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stella31 Posts: 2
Need some advice. My stomach is sick and need some advice. My husband is generally brilliant and looks after me so well but the only problem at the moment is he is not working and money is so tight we are both stressed and i feel he is drinking too much.He generally would get cans and drink at home 2/3 evenings a week. On wed evening he bought 6 cans but spend the night shouting in his sleep and flapping around the bed and i got no sleep. He was minding our 2 year old daughter the next morning and I went to work worrying that he wouldnt hear her on monitor. Then Thurs evening he goes playing sport and he rang me after match to say that he was going for a pint and would be home shortly. He was playing cards and arrived home at 2.30 am. I couldnt sleep waiting for him to come in and was afraid of him drinking and driving. I was then up at 7 to go to work and am wrecked. I came home from work today and he told me he had to go collect his brother but arrived home 3 hours later after bein in the pub. I asked him to pack a bag as told him im not spending my life with my heart thumping waiting for him to come home. Im 7 months pregnant and I dont need the stress. I was meant to be meeting friends this evening but had to cancel as wouldnt leave my daughter with him after he was drinking. he went upstairs packed a bag and pretended to ring someone to come get him, he threw some curses at me and got really angry when I wouldnt respond to him as I told him I wasnt talking to him while he had drink taken and infront of our daughter. He got his dole money wed and would usually give it to me but hasnt given me anything. He also smokes so at least 100 of his 188 dole money goes on cigs and drink every wk, im sick trying to pay mortgage, loans,credit cards and everything else out of my wages. He threw my childs shoe and it flew past me in front of our daughter. I cant go on like this.He tells me that im controlling and he needs to get out of the house. He text me from pub last night saying all im doing is having a game of cards, im doing nothing wrong. Am i wrong in thinking that its not normal to leave house a t 7..30 pm and arrive home at 2.30 am and thinks that I shouldnt have a problem with it. I tell him how would he feel if I said I was going to the shop for milk and arrived home 7 hours later. When things are good with us they are very good but this happens maybe once every few months and with a baby on the way I feel I need to get it to stop. I dont want to say it to my family as they will think badly of him and then when things get better they will hold it against him. Sorry for long post but any advice appreciated.
doolittle Posts: 910
I read your post and my heart went out to you. I have a family member who went though something similar although there was a lot of verbal aggression as well. The family member approached the drinking subject and was told she was making a mountain out of a mole hill etc and that drinking was not an issue etc. Family member went to Accord counselling just as somewhere to talk in confidence and get impartial advice and found them brilliant and so kind and understanding so that may be an option for you?Have you any sisters or close friends you could talk to? I personally think that if he sonly getting €188 a week and €100 of that is going on smokes and cigs then that is a huge problem. Your story is a mirror image of the person in my family. Do see if you could go to counselling (its not as airy fairy as you might think and gives you a chance to take a step back and see things clearly) and maybe you DP could see one as well?
30something Posts: 644
I haven't been in your situation so can't give advice based on experience. My thoughts are that your problems are down to your husband's frustration at being unemployed. Bad habits have formed, it doesn't take long. One issue is getting out of control and you both resent each other for it. You have to talk to each other. Let him know how his actions are affecting you. Prepare for what you want to say to each other in advance. Try to make a plan.
30something Posts: 644
What I'm trying to get across is try not to let one problem contaminate everything (that is good) in your family life. These things can be resolved as easily as they can escalate, if nipped in the bud early. Best wishes.
wollysocks Posts: 1773
I think it is very hard for strangers to give you advice on this. I feel bad reading and not replying so for what it is worth-it sounds like your husband is an occasional binger drinker. In the past, you let it go to a certain extent maybe because it wasn't frequent. However, since he has been unemployed the frequency of the binges are increasing and with a small child and another on the way- the situation is not bearable for you. I had a friend engaged to a man exactly like this and she had many sleepless nights. She eventually left because she forsaw the difficulties if they were ever to have children. It sounds like the pattern in your relationship is for you to take care of all the responsibiities. My friend did the same in her relationship. I think most people would find it incredible that are under financial stress and your husband is spending 100euro a week on alcohol and cigs. It will be hard to change how you fundamentally work as a couple with you taking all the responsibility and he doing what he likes. It is difficult. Is there someone in his family that you could speak to in confidence to have a word with him? This might not be appropriate but if it was somebody he respected and might listen to.. I really don't know. Counselling might be worthwhile but your husband might not be up for it. He probably doesn't see the issue. Maybe for yourself? I understand why you don't want to tell your family- there is an issue of shame but I bet your family might know more than you think. You could do with their support and if your husband pulls up his socks , there is no reason they will always hold it against him. I know it is really hard- our tendency is to pretend all is well- cover up- but what if you stopped covering up for your husband in front of others? I really don't know- but I think you should seek advice and support from your family and close friends. Bet of luck to you.
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