Have been seeing a guy for over a year now. We don’t have a very public relationship, but we get on very well, talk/text all day every day, have met each others families etc. Most of his work colleagues are women … some not the nicest of people, however I don’t really comment. One girl in particular has accused him in the past of being a bully.
We were at a wedding and when I arrived, he was on the phone to one of them, a girl who he is very friendly and who is in hospital called him to say that her stalker had turned up at their place of work and what would she do etc. This girl has a boyfriend of a number of years. Over the few days her illness was confirmed and She text him to tell him and he asked will he call her and she said Yes Do. I had no problem whatsoever with him calling her. And over that weekend she called him a number of times to tell him the story, prognosis etc.
Fast Forward about a week and 5 of their work colleagues (all girls) went to visit the girl (the patient we’ll call her) in hospital. Over the weekend one of them text him and he called her back. She said they had been to the hospital a few days previously and that 2 of the group (one of the girls who has previously called him a bully) never stopped cutting the back off him the entire time, saying that he was annoying, that they bitch about him all the time, that they don’t listen to him when he talks and other similar stuff … and they were raging that he had phoned the girl who was sick, the previous week. Yet, his “friend” the patient never once spoke up that it was her in fact who was calling him and said to the group “Yeah I don’t even know why he was calling me”. The girl who accused him of being a bully had arranged to bring a gift on the visit on behalf of them all and included 2 other men that work with them, but they never asked My Guy to contribute, never mentioned to him at all. During the course of the back stabbing and slating, they kept asking the girl who told him about all of this, was he still seeing me. I have only met any of them once at a wedding. She said she didn’t know his business but yet again the “patient” never said he was at a wedding that he had been with me at a wedding the last week. He claims he said he told her where he was that day. I’m sure this all sounds very petty as I write it, but I am kind of bothered by it. He said that the girl who accused him of being a bully and was doing the most of the cutting of him probably fancies him ? He met her out some weeks back, I wasn’t with him the same night but he said that she asked for me and said I was a very nice girl.
I am just very confused about the whole thing … It sounds very bizarre. I feel like I’m missing a few pieces of the story ? I can’t understand why the girl who is sick, who he is most friendly with, firstly would sit there and allow them absolutely slate him like that and not speak up for him, if they are supposed to be such great friends, and then never let on that he is with me, if she knew!
Am I just being silly and over thinking the whole thing … or is he telling the whole story .. ?
When you said that you felt you were missing bits of the story, I felt exactly the same - I thought maybe I was just not able to understand what you were saying, but obviously it's the fact that something isn't adding up.
Do you think there's any chance that the work colleagues have a valid reason for what they seem to feel & say about your boyfriend; basically I'm asking you if you can see that maybe he might be a bit strange or annoying or whatever.. because it seems a bit unusual to me to hear of a group of females having such an issue with a male that they'd go to the bother of leaving him out of things and giving out about him.
Or - and I hate to say this - do you think there's ANY chance that he might be a bit creepy towards some of the women at work? Like flirting and being inappropriate? Or leading someone on etc?
It's really hard to know, maybe they are just really b*tchy and he hasn't done anything wrong, but the only thing you can do is either stay out of it and accept his version of events and assume that they are just mean girls, or tell him that you are finding it hard to put up with the situation and that he needs to be 100% honest with you or you'll have to assume that there's something shady going on.
Thank you very much for your reply.
I am hoping its just a case of girls being mean, but I do find it hard to understand that grown adults would carry on in that way. Ok I understand that you don't have to like everybody but to make such an issue of them is bizarre.
I also find it hard to understand if a person is quite ill in hospital, that they wouldn't have more pressing things on their mind to worry about, than joining in a conversation slating another work colleague , especially if they are supposed to be a good friend ?
Ok so I questioned a little further. So he said one of the bitches must fancy him ... This is the girl who accused him of being a bully some time back. Purposely excluded him out of the gift. I was in her company at the event and she spent a lot of the time trying to make a show of him, talking about how drunk he had been at a previous work event and said numerous times that he was vain. This same girl he met on a night out a while back and he said asked for me and said I was a very nice girl, and he pawned her off on his friend that night.
I asked him does she Text him. He said No, that back a long time ago she text him "talking crap about her just broken up relationship" ... He said she is a "dunce" and he hates her. I didn't ask any more questions, as it was over text and it was hard to have a proper conversation.
I'm not trying to sound paranoid or jealous or accuse him of anything, but I have been down this road before and a very long term relationship ended as a result.
Am I being foolish .. ?
It doesn't sound like you are being foolish, but you only have his side of the story to go on, so you're not getting the full picture at all.
He could be completely right, maybe this girl took massive offence to his rejection of her, and is holding a grudge and trying to make him look bad / stupid forever more and the sheep around her are going along with her for a quiet life.
I presume what you're wondering is, did he get off with her behind your back and then when she found out he had a girlfriend / when he finished things with her, she felt used and humiliated and is being nasty for that reason, and all the other girls are disgusted with him?
I don't know how you'd ever find that out ... do you feel that he's trustworthy, or is it possible that in the early days that you were together, he didn't regard the relationship as particularly serious, and so might have shifted her a few times but then started to get feelings for you and finished things?
I'm basically asking if you think it's worth getting bogged down with this and potentially damaging the relationship over something that would be crap but also isn't at the worst level of betrayal. I know with my own husband, when we were first together, he did go off with one or two girls behind my back and of course I could tell he was acting weird, so I figured out what he'd done, we broke up briefly and he learnt his lesson but to be honest with you, I wasn't even all that bothered - we weren't at that stage where his actions could really hurt me, but I think if I'd only found out about it later, when we were in love, it probably would have hurt me more because I'd be judging him based on how we are NOW, I wouldn't be able to remember a time when I didn't care as much, do you get me?
If I was you, I'd try to let it go for a while, keep your wits about you, keep an eye on his phone if you can, but don't keep questioning him about everything, and try not to keep thinking about what SHE might be thinking, because you could end up over-thinking everything and ruining something great.
You can't do anything about what other people are doing and saying, who knows what reasons those girls have for being mean but please don't blame your partner for it without a bit more evidence.. imagine if that was happening to you and you hadn't done anything wrong but he dumped you!
Thank you very much.
No, I don't think he was ever with her, not at all. When he & I met, she was in a long term relationship. The bullying accusation was a long time ago, when she was still with her long term partner. I don't think he has been unfaithful. It just seems to odd to me that she would behave in that manner, he said that she has never tried it on with him, so hence she would never have been rejected. And that he only talks to her at work if she talks to him ... but yet she text him about breaking up with her boyfriend.
Maybe I am over thinking it and I cant account for what other people do, but the whole story from start to finish just doesn't make any sense. And as I said I have been down this road before so it just makes me nervous.
Yes, I can understand why you'd be a bit nervous about it all, it does all seem a bit strange. I'm sure there's a lot more that he has said to you than you've written here, but I'm just struggling to see where he got his theory that she fancies him? If she was in a relationship and accused him of bullying her, where does she fancy him in that scenario? Maybe he's explained something to you that justifies his idea, so that's fair enough, but I don't know.. from what you're saying, things aren't really adding up unless it is simply a case of people being absolute weirdos, which does happen, to be fair!!
I think as well though that if your boyfriend is any way unpopular at work, then this bitchy ringleader has probably just got it in for him and the other girls are maybe not bothered enough about your boyfriend to go up against her - it might be easier for them to just nod and smile and not let on to her that they actually get on fine with him..
I'm sorry but this really doesn't add up at all.. its hard to follow the story and now he's saying she fancies him? Sounds like he's trying to cover some tracks
Thank you for your email. I know its very hard to follow .. even as I read it myself I'm finding it difficult to understand. It really makes no sense, but it is as I told it.
The more I think of it ... am I really being a fool ?
It's so hard to know Evie..
It's just difficult to see where he got the idea that this girl fancies him - maybe she does, of course that's possible, but it does all seem a bit strange to be honest.
I don't know how you're going to come to any conclusion on this..