Parents in my house

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SarahS Posts: 550
Hi guys Just looking for some opinions. I am sitting here annoyed and sad at the same time. I own my own house and first day I gave my parents a key, just to have a spare. When I moved in they helped me do allsorts, which was lovely, they were there for deliveries etc. Anyway they started coming to my house weekly while I was at work, my mum is great at DIY and dad was pottering in the garden but after a while I started to tidy up my house, hiding any personal stuff etc in case they'd call and I thought for gods sake this is wrong, so I asked my mum to ring me in future if they were calling because my house could be a mess and I could be there in a compromising position :oops: , didn't tell her that though but I implied it! Anyway she didn't like it but I didn't care as I wasn't going to be tidying my own house and I made it clear they were always welcome but they had to respect it was my home. Anyway arrived home yesterday evening and they were there, now I'd plans with friends coming around and I was in a bit of a mood so I said oh didn't know ye were calling, I thought ye might ring and all I got was sur don't we nearly always call on a Thurs and I said no and I thought we agreed ye would ring. Well she went mental, I need an invitation to my own daughters house etc etc, I said no you don't but not many parents have keys and walk into their son or daughters house they way ye do and I think you should respect my privacy like I asked. So she went more mental. I left her off as there was no talking to her. They go everywhere in my house, including my bedroom, my dirty laundry had been moved! O:| Now I feel really bad as they left in a huff and they had been doing little jobs around the place but I am not comfy with them going everywhere in my house especially after I said before to ring. Don't take me up wrong, I'm not ungrateful for what they do but I never ask them to do anything in my house, they do it because they want to help and I am grateful for that but I was so annoyed yesterday evening... Sorry I had to vent that. Sarah
*gone* Posts: 4785
I can understand completely how you feel ... your house is your space and you feel like they are invading that territory. It was a big achievement for you to get your own house, and they don't seem to be respecting the fact that it's "yours" and not "family-owned". Talking to your mother doesn't seem to be getting you anywhere. Can you speak to your dad? Try to explain that you love having them call, but they can't just turn up unannounced, that you have plans of your own & that you need your own privacy in your own four walls. Could you say you broke your key in the lock and get it changed? And then say "oh I must get another key cut for you" ... and keep letting it "slip" your mind. Eventually they'll have to get into the habit of ringing you if they don't have a key to get into the house with!! neither of our parents have keys to our house because I would hate the thought of his mother in our bedroom or tidying the kitchen.
SarahS Posts: 550
Thanks Dizzy, I would imagine the way my parents are is the exception to the rule, I doubt many people give keys.. My dad is one of these people who doesn't say a whole pile and sticks his head in the sand so he won't talk to her but he heard me alright and knows what I meant, maybe he will talk to mum because if I ring now there will be murder again.. O:| Yet I'd like to clear the air as I feel really bad as they are good people and there is no bad in them. I just want my independence, it is my home and I earned it and I feel like a little child in it sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I don't turn my nose at the help but I want to do things myself too and because I'm busy with other things it will take me longer and I like to let them help as my two brothers are abroad and I'm the only one near them and I want them to feel part of it. Maybe this is a transition for me too, in that I'm establishing my own home and I'm overly sensitive about my space and maybe she will get it after a while...
Psycho Sue Posts: 1875
Hey Sarah, I think you are justified in the way the you are feeling but parents have this thing that even if they are in the wrong and you say something to them, you are the one who end up feeling guilty! I think its just a respect thing that we have for them. Anyway, I know your mam wa probably annoyed when she left or whatever, but just go and have a chat with her this weekend and just tell her that when you get in from work you like to have a while to yourself and that you were irritable anyway. (I know you are probably thinking that you are making excuses about the way you feel by saying this but you are not). You are just broaching the subject and saying that you are sorry if you made them feel unwelcome but that they need to have a little more respect for your privacy. Take the softly softly approach. Once you say it to her in a nice way, she'll think about it and I'm sure they won't do it again! My god, if I thought my parent were in my bedroom I'd scream! there are things in there that parent shouldn't see - eg. my bondage swing ;) just kidding! Hope this helps a little. Parents, can't live with them, can't get away from them!!!
pluto Posts: 3893
I'm feeling your pain!!! When we go on holidays H2b leaves the car with his parents, including the keys, which obviously has the key to our house on it. Everytime we come home, MIL2b has been in our house cleaning, even doing dirty laundry. I had h2b warned the last time to tell her NO WAY not to do it anymore. It's SO embarrassing, coz sometimes you head off on holidays and leave the place in a mess....especially the bedroom after packing etc. Anyway, she did it again, and there's no way of stopping her. I've even told her myself, we really appreciate it, but please don't. I've never told my own mum, coz she'd kill me if she thought h2b's mum was doing our cleaning! There's just something not right about it. They also call unnannounced....ALWAYS! It takes them nearly 25 mins to get to our house from theirs. If we're not there it's a wasted journey, can they not just ring to let us know! One time I was in the house on my own, sitting on the couch in my jammies, suffering major period pains, up to my neck in chocolate and crisps, and they arrived at the door!! Morto!! It does my head in. Course the other side of it is, we always call to our parents unnannounced...with a key!!!!
Smugmarried Posts: 705
I'm shocked by the posts here. Both sets of our parents wouldn't call around without ringing first even if we were there and wouldn't dream of going into the house when there was nobody there. I gave my parents a set of keys when we moved in. This was in case I left mine at home and could call around to their house for the spare one. Also, my father has been really good lately when we've asked him to let delivery guys in while we were at work. And when we were on honeymoon my sister kept an eye on the house and moved our post into the kitchen for us etc. But they certainly wouldn't call around without us knowing. I think it's disgraceful behaviour tbh. You are definitely in the right Sarah2000 - and I'm sure both your parents know this as well.
hope to be Posts: 865
SarahS Posts: 550
Thanks guys. I feel so bad but as PyschoSue says parents have a way of making us feel guilty even when they are in the wrong. I'm just sorry I was a bit offhand at the time, hormones. :roll: I'll say what I've to say as nice as possible and I'd like to think they will understand. I just don't think it is on and I've to set boundaries as I'm not having this. God knows how you put up with in-laws, I've some chance with my own parents but in-laws oh the mind boggles and next door sweet jesus. :roll:
pricilla Posts: 1564
My sister had a very similar problem with my parents. It's like they are insulted that she wanted space. She had a few MASSIVE rows with them and there was loads of hurt feelings but they got the message and everyone is happy now. If it was me, I'd have gotten H2B to walk down the stairs completely naked and I doubt they would come over without prior arrangement EVER again. Problem solved! :mrgreen:
bridezilla2008 Posts: 34
My MIL let herself into our house last year when we went on holidays and did our washing and made our bed. There was a red satin bra on the floor on my side of the bed (had been on the lash the night b4 and by the time we got up to go away we had to rush out the door) but she didn't wash that just folded it and left it on the window sill (why???) with a magazine that was also on the floor that had the S word (s*x!) plastered across the front. We only give them a key when we go away cos they come up and feed the dogs for us, H2B keeps saying we must leave a key in their house altogether but I won't allow it, when we go anywhere I give them my key so I make sure I get it back. Now when I go away I just lock the bedroom door and hide the key somewhere.