Planning a baby

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babs10 Posts: 13
I just had a massive long post typed and it disappeared so ll have to try a short version now!! Myself and h2b have discussed starting a family yet again and he has decided that he's ready at last!!! Im in my early 20's and he's almost 27....ive always wanted kids young wnough..i was never mad into drinking and late nights! id much perfer a good trip to the cinema any day! I do enjoy the odd night out thoguh! h2b used to be a huge party animal but since meeting me he's come round to my way of life!!! He perfers a nice night in rather than spending a fortune and being hung over the next day!!! :-) We are due to marry next year, we only have the hotel and church booked but realistically we cant afford it without a big loan so we've kinda decided that maybe we should wait and have a baby first and when things get better and we have a few more pund we'll organise our wedding.....
Milis in disguise Posts: 727
I'm not being smart, but if you can't afford a wedding are you sure you can afford a baby? If money is tight you could always have a smaller wedding, and cut corners on the non-essentials. Whatever about spending money on a wedding now, I'm sure you won't want to spend your money on one once you have a little one to look after.
babs10 Posts: 13
I had a feeling id get that answer ff someone! I prob should have thought more bout how i said what i meant!! Im not very good at that. To me, spending €25k on one day compared to having a baby and spending the money on that is madness. We'd manage fine with a baby (i think anyway).....but we feel the wedding is putting us under a bit of pressure. We dont want to cut corners on our wedding either so we'd rather wait and have it in 4 or 5 years and maybe then with our our little family we might change our perspective and we can have a smaller do....but at the moment the "money" end of it isnt a big enough excuse for us to postpone the wedding!! Im prob sounding mad here, its alot harder to write what im thinking lol!!! Ive always wanted kids and ive brought it up with h2b loads since we've been together but he hasnt been ready....but this tme he came to me and said it....we're actually the only ones in our group of friends without kids...its mad! But that is nothing to do with our decision at all.
Martiespride Posts: 997
nobody has to spend 25k on a wedding. i think you should get married first, call me old fashioned but a year or 2 at your age isnt going to put you out. have a small wedding and then have your babies. i know my dad would have been heartbroken walking me up the ailse if i had a bump or a small one tagging along. as you said your husband is only 27. there is no rush. irish people have lost the run of themselves with massive weddings and vintage cars and all that rubbish. you can cut corners everywhere. we did!!!
cheer bear bride Posts: 3731
You could go abroad to get married? In the Caribbean its not at all expensive to have a lovely wedding day and then the holiday could be your honeymoon. Im kinda old fashioned too in that I think its nice to be married before having kids-if you are planning it all out and can do it that way
hope to be Posts: 865
Hi Babs10, I would be quite old fashioned like the other girls too, for me it would have never have entered my head to get pg before getting wed. If you really want both you can do it, you could have a small wedding, family and close friends and have a baby then? Let's face it once you have a baby you will have more reason to not spend it on a wedding. Remember you are still young and don't put pressure on yourselves with all your friends having kids. Best of luck whatever you decide to do! :wv
babs10 Posts: 13
Thanks girls! We dont know how to do it "small" we've the bridal party asked (3 BM & 3 GM) 4 FG's, 2 PB's....and cant let anyone down so thats quite a big expence. We have our hearts set on a certain hotel and we wouldnt want it anywhere else and although its alot cheaper than most hotels our guest list is 170 aprox...we want that though, we dont want to cut corners anymore than we are (even for €25k we are cutting alot trust me). The truth is we should have saved and then booked the wedding. If we put the wedding off, it'd be put off for a year atleast and then that means another 3 1/2 - 4 years before having kids...we dont want to wait that long! Im getting myself in a tizzy now over it all!! :o0 we're gonna sit down and realistically do a budget (we have a wedding budget done and staying with teh cheaper of suppliers we are talking 25K) but we're gonna do a baby budget too and make sure we can afford it. We want to plan our family, no mistakes!!! Make sure we can do it right or else wait until we can! Thanks for all the advvice
kala Posts: 1937
i have to agree with all the previous comments but would also like to add the following: a baby puts huge pressure on a relationship- it changes everything. i was with hubby 7 years before we married this coming march 2 years ago and we had our first baby july 29th and he has changed things alot. ie the freedom to up and go anytime we want isn't there. i was 30 in november so to be honest we couldn't really waste too much time hanging around. i was 21 and he was 22 when we met but it took a while for us to get our careers sorted and our house built and get married etc before we could even think about a family. i would have love to have started my family younger but i guess i wanted to be secure in my job house etc first before i could even contemplate having a family. weddings are costly but who says you have to do the big day out. most girls do like myself but we did it but only purely cos my parents paid for the reception. theres no way would i have put myself into debt for a wedding unless we had enough saved. i would have been happy enough to have a very small family wedding only. we built a nice family home and please god i'll get to fill a few more bedrooms. kids are wonderful they bring so much joy but think about how nice it would be to bring a child up in a secure/stable home. NOTHING ABOSULTELY NOTHING against unmarried mothers (my mum was pregnant getting married so people in glass houses like me can't throw stones) but its not as easy to walk away from each other when things get tough going. i'll admit its very hard at times with a new baby but worth every bit. ps i hope i haven't offeneded anyone in what i've written incase it comes across/picked up wrong.
Baby Babs Posts: 2596
I think it is better for the father's rights if you are married first, never mind tradition. I understand you want to have the big day and you are being sensible about the costs. How about a private civil cermony now, have the baby or two and then have the big wedding day with the church when you are ready? That way you have two wedding anniversaries. In germany, the church can't legally marry you, so everyone has to do the civil ceremony first, some will do the church thing later the next day or the following, or even leave it a year while they save up. Has a lot of tax advantages too for a couple who are saving up for the big wedding or other living expenses. I know one couple in Germany got married in December, one was student, and so her hubby could claim back tax for the whole year as he got her tax-free allowance. They then had the traditional white wedding the following September. Just a different approach to the solution. Everyone should be happy.
babs10 Posts: 13
Thanks again girls, we had a talk last night about having a smaller wedding etc but h2b just kept sayin "no, we're doing it the way we want". I suggested a small family and close friend ceremony followed by a meal and then a massive party that night (in the hotel with that'd be about 250-300 people but he doesnt want that!My cousin is doing that in April and i think its a lovely idea but still as he said...theres no point us cutting what we want just to do it sooner...we might aswell wait. I understand a baby makes things completely different, my parents are young (mid 40's) and i have a young brother and sister) and i see how my mam could have plans and her day can be totally changes just coz one of the kids didnt wake up until later or got sick when walking out the door and had to be changed or fed delaying things. I understand the sleepless nights and the worrying of they are ok but to be honest we cant wait to be the ones actually responsible for the decisions of a baby...we're not being told "feed at this time, dress baby in this, put him to bed by x"..... We want something to share that is ours and nobody elses.....We are willing to let everything in our lives change. We are talking about it over a year now so i think its long enough to be discussing it. With our weddings....we saved and i got sick and we had to use our savings to cover the money i missed out on from work for a few weeks....we had no other choice. another thing is so many people have said go on a couple of hoidays your so thats why when we walked we said if we're going to plan a baby we'll go on one last holiday together first in the summer and wait until then to do the BD! It gives us 6 months to keep talking about it and have it planned and to make sure its exactly what we want. Im not saying we've decided so we're starting to try next week.