Please help I'm at a loss

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AirNZ Trace Posts: 12
Last week myself and my fiancé were on top of the world counting down the days and wks till our wedding in Aug. invites were finalised bridesmaid dresses had arrived and then it came to a crashing halt with the sudden death of his mom. We packed up and left New Zealand in 15hrs of getting the news and now after the week we've had we are still numb with the shock and loss. His family despite the circumstances still spoke about how she couldn't wait for the wedding and we shouldn't let it affect our day. But despite what everyone says it will be. She's going to be a massive loss and even my own Mam doesn't wanna participate in parts of the ceremony where the mothers get involved. Even tho she won't be with us I know she will be there. She was larger than life and now I have major shoes to fill. I want our happy day to some how mark her also without it being a morbid affair cause she would kill me if everyone was sad. But now i want to make sure his dad is involved so he won't feel left out. I'm looking for guidance anybody else been in the same situation so close to there wedding?
Naomi1978 Posts: 88
Hello, my mum passed away in May of this year. We are getting married in July 2016. We had lots booked prior to my mum passing away so cancelling wasn't an option. It is difficult planning the day knowing she will not be there. Like you I want the day to be a happy one but obviously want my mum remembered on the day and I want my dad to feel comfortable and not on his own at any point. I have ordered a memorial candle and I will be lighting this after we light our individual candles. The priest will be explaining why the candle is being lit. I am also putting a wedding pic from my parents wedding day and my partners parents wedding day on the wedding cake table. We also have a candle in a lantern for the top table which will be lighting until the night is over. There are just little things but nice and not things that will upset people. I am also getting 2 bridal bouquets, one will be mine and one will go on my mum's grave. It's a very tough day made more emotional without a parent there. All I can say is go with what you both feel is right. Best of luck with it
AirNZ Trace Posts: 12
Thanks Niamh1978, I had the idea of the candle in my head but was unsure. I bought lanterns a few wks back for a table I was doing maybe I will do a memory table to her. It's a real difficult situation. Her passing has affected us majorly
Dolly83 Posts: 63
Hi AirNZ, I'm so sorry for your loss. My MIL passed away 6 weeks ago, we are getting married in 5 weeks - so it was about 3 months before the date. Unlike your own situation, she was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago and going through chemo, she had hoped and prayed she would make it this far but took a sudden turn and in the space of 3 weeks was gone. When she started to realise she she wasn't going to last she sat us both down separately and told us that the wedding had to go ahead - she would not take no for an answer. Honestly, we would have cancelled/postponed it if she hadn't insisted, but we have to respect her wishes. My OH is finding it tough but we will get there. There isn't the usual wedding buzz but we'll get there eventually. I ordered a little wedding bouquet locket from all about weddings and will have that sown onto my OH's pin hole with a picture of his mum. We have the memorial candle too - also from the same place. We will have the candle lit on the cake table with a picture from their wedding too - similar to Naomi. You have to remember this is a wedding and not a memorial service so you can still enjoy it and remember them at the same time- without it taking over. I read an article recently that you should reflect your dedications to the person you are mourning to suit their personality. My MIL was a very shy person so we are going for gentle reminders, whereas if your MIL was a vivacious character you could play a song she loved after your first dance and have people join to remember her? Something larger than life to suit her and remember her the way she would want to be remembered. Best of luck with all the plans and I do hope your OH is doing ok. PM me if you need to talk. xx
AirNZ Trace Posts: 12
Thanks dolly83, it's still all a bit surreal at the moment it's not really hit my OH yet. I wanna make sure he knows that her presence is not forgotten and I will try do something special, love your idea about the pinhole for himself cause as I'm not having a traditional bouquet my plan was always to have both parents wedding pics attached to it. I will get a memorial candle, I bought my unity candles not to long ago and I might go back to same place. Some ideas I had looked at today are really a bit too much for me like placing her picture in the seat she would have sat at. I don't think it's how anyone would like to celebrate the day. On a number of occasions I have been pulled aside by my OTs aunts and they all told me how she expressed her excitement at us getting married and she would count down with me. There is a lot of excitement after been taken away and as you said with you MIL passing she wanted you celebrate and continue. She's gonna be remembered regardless and there is one song that will have everyone singing and dancing in her honor.
AirNZ Trace Posts: 12
Thanks dolly83, it's still all a bit surreal at the moment it's not really hit my OH yet. I wanna make sure he knows that her presence is not forgotten and I will try do something special, love your idea about the pinhole for himself cause as I'm not having a traditional bouquet my plan was always to have both parents wedding pics attached to it. I will get a memorial candle, I bought my unity candles not to long ago and I might go back to same place. Some ideas I had looked at today are really a bit too much for me like placing her picture in the seat she would have sat at. I don't think it's how anyone would like to celebrate the day. On a number of occasions I have been pulled aside by my OTs aunts and they all told me how she expressed her excitement at us getting married and she would count down with me. There is a lot of excitement after been taken away and as you said with you MIL passing she wanted you celebrate and continue. She's gonna be remembered regardless and there is one song that will have everyone singing and dancing in her honor.
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