Q re: cheating

We've Moved!

Our wonderful discussion forums have now moved to Facebook...

Click to join us in our HIGM ("Help I'm Getting Married") group!

gan ainm Posts: 12
..
FlexyDee Posts: 4904
The issue with cheating is that the whole trust issue is gone, completely. I would class cheating as kissing, texting and even flirting tbh. I feel that it lies in both the betrayal and the deception. I have been through a cheating ex and I gave them no second chance as once you do it, that is it!
whoop Posts: 1310
From the offset here I have to say I can only speak for myself & my views. I don't think cheating can be defined in absolute terms. Cheating for me can happen in so many forms. If someone is sharing intimate conversations & [b:2ehuimqy]sneaking[/b:2ehuimqy] calls/texts/meet ups then I would consider that a form of cheating. I have emboldened "sneaking" as that for me is the key. If something is hidden than it is done so for a reason. Guilty conscience eh?! A kiss is sufficient for me to consider it outright cheating. But I do think I could forgive a partner kissing if it wasn't compounded with another form of intimacy/closeness and it was with a random person rather than someone connected to him/us. The deception would kill me more than the act. You can act on the spur of the moment but deception requires thought, planning and conscionable action. I would have to know how long the kiss lasted. Sex is just a no no. But, regarding cheating not being defined absolutely - what are the circumstances surrounding the lead up to cheating? This would also be a factor for me. Emotional & mental abuse can lead to cheating so that the person who cheats can boost themselves. It's not an ideal resolution to a battered self confidence but it is a consideration. One of many that leads to cheating.
gan ainm Posts: 12
..
MrsI2B Posts: 159
Ooh, this might be a bit deep for me at this time of night but I'll give it a whirl. For me obviously the intimate moment being shared is betrayal and therefore, sin numero uno. But then to follow on with deception and lies about it would be an even worse betrayal for me. As for what is cheating, all of the above is in my book, but I guess I would find some more forgivable than others. Flirty text, probably a second chance, kiss maybe a second chance, sex unlikely a second chance. And those instances of forgiveness are allowing for the fact he'd come clean and been honest with me immediately. But if there was the deliberate deception mixed with any of those it would be very hard to come back from that. However its hard to say without knowing the exact situation and circumstances, for example if he was sending flirty texts to say my best friend or sister or someone it would be game over. I suppose I can't really give a definitive answer and please God, I'll never be in the situation to have to find out :weep
MrsI2B Posts: 159
[quote="gan ainm":3jmib48w]posting under anon again. [/quote:3jmib48w] Can I just ask why you're going anon with this one? Is that you Shyn?
FlexyDee Posts: 4904
[quote="MrsI2B":20cm6vy1][quote="gan ainm":20cm6vy1]posting under anon again. [/quote:20cm6vy1] Can I just ask why you're going anon with this one? Is that you Shyn?[/quote:20cm6vy1] Gan ainm has posted before...
MrsI2B Posts: 159
[quote="FlexyDee":155e74f9][quote="MrsI2B":155e74f9][quote="gan ainm":155e74f9]posting under anon again. [/quote:155e74f9] Can I just ask why you're going anon with this one? Is that you Shyn?[/quote:155e74f9] Gan ainm has posted before...[/quote:155e74f9] Yeah I know. Just wondering who the [i:155e74f9]real[/i:155e74f9] gan ainm is.... Is it you FlexyDee? ETA Ignore me, the paranoia is getting to me. Time for :zzzz:
GreenerPastures Posts: 7284
It's the whole thing, the package if you will. Cheating goes hand in hand with lies, deceit, betrayal, lack of respect, and totally forgetting/ignoring any promises made to your OH. Even the offender devides to be open about it it's still a pile of poo. What are you supposed to say exactly?? Give them your blessings? Even if your partner is alledgedly honest about it after the fact, I think your trust would be so shaken it would be hard to ever trust them again or not imagine there was more to it then met the eye. For me physical and emotional cheating are as bad. I may be able to get over emotional cheating if my OH had stopped in his tracks before anything had actually happened and that he was honest and not just caught out. Emotional cheating can happen to someone people before they realise what is going on. Physical cheating is very much intentional from the offset. Physical cheating is an action whereas emotional cheating can take a while to dawn on someone that it's wrong or that it is even happening. Also, if the culprit is caught then any apology is harder to accept. I think it's better that they cop to it before they are caught red handed as it were.
Smileykaz Posts: 7296
Oh God I don't know... I think for me the emotional cheating might be worse. Not that I want my husband having sex with someone else! But just..the thought of him having a 'moment' with someone, looking at her the way he looks at me, whispering sweet nothings to her, his heart leaping when he gets a text off her, that anticipation in his stomach when he thinks of her. That turns my stomach, it really does. Even if he never touched her, ever, it woudl make me feel sick to know he had had those feelings. Maybe a really drunken kiss in a nightclub with a randomer which lasted for three seconds and was over before he even knew it had happened. Not pre-meditated, out of character, a huge mistake. Maybe that I could in time get over? I don't know, maybe not. It would still be awfully upsetting. I don't think I'd be able to condone any type of cheating whatsoever. I trust my H2B implicitly and it's never something I have to think about or have ever worried about. I don't know what I'd do.