Menu

Relationship help needed.....what should I do?

Go to Relationships

Sad and confused
New Wolly
 
Posts: 15

Re: Relationship help needed.....what should I do?

Postby Sad and confused » Mon Jul 23, 2018 10:32 am

Well ladies, it’s turns out that even when I though z’we were at rock bottom, there is still even further for me to fall. I found out yesterday morning that he stayed in her place for two nights while I was away for work in June and also this Saturday just gone, for the afternoon, while I was at a work event, that he wouldn’t attend with me. He is denying that he has slept with her, says he hasn’t kissed her but ‘he’s wanted to’. Why would a married man stay in someone else’s apartment? I asked him if it was to comfort her (this was one of his reasons for texting her) and he told me to f&&k off. Absolutely no remorse or regret in him. Anyways, I asked him to leave and he’s gone. I am devastated and have taken a few days off work. It would have been our anniversary this Wednesday......I feel like such a failure. Thank you for your kind words and advice......you made this horrible time a little more bearable.

CasualBride
Major Wolly
 
Posts: 570

Re: Relationship help needed.....what should I do?

Postby CasualBride » Mon Jul 23, 2018 12:17 pm

Oh my God - I'm so sorry to hear this. What a sh*te thing to have to find out. I'm just gutted for you. How are you holding up?
Not being flippant, but I'm currently reading a book called "My Husband's Wife" (I think) and the main character is in the same boat as you, I've been reading it thinking "what a selfish idiot!" about the husband and while I don't know your situation, to my mind, generally the people who act this way are SO selfish that it makes my blood boil. I know not everyone is happy in their relationship but if you're married or have kids with someone, you have more things to consider than your own happiness and you try your best to find a solution that works for everyone involved, not just what you feel like doing.
Oh I'm just so sorry for you - you must be in shock. I hope you have plenty of good support around you? :action32

cillcakes
Mini Wolly
 
Posts: 175

Re: Relationship help needed.....what should I do?

Postby cillcakes » Mon Jul 23, 2018 5:12 pm

Oh no ! That's a horrible cruel thing to hear! F*u#ksakes! What an a**hole! U must be devasted I can only imagine :(

I have been keeping an eye out for your posts ! Only positive thing I can say is ..that you now know .instead of wasting more time on this man and that u really did try u can always say that .
I know I don't know you and it's not much help but things happen for a reason .life is too short .u deserve to be happy .have you anyone that can stay with you for a bit ! Make sure u talk about it with ppl around you. Such a rotten thing to happen .really sorry to hear that xxx

futuremrskelly
Mini Wolly
 
Posts: 220

Re: Relationship help needed.....what should I do?

Postby futuremrskelly » Tue Jul 24, 2018 6:55 am

So sorry to hear this news big hugs to you..
But you are not a failure, you have tried so hard in this - it's completely his fault.
Thinking of youx

Sad and confused
New Wolly
 
Posts: 15

Re: Relationship help needed.....what should I do?

Postby Sad and confused » Thu Jul 26, 2018 12:22 pm

Hi. I hope it's ok that I still post here.....I find it helpful to know that you lovely people are thinking of me from afar. It's been a tough few days, especially yesterday but my friends have been keeping me busy which really helps but I know that is not a long term solution.

I went to the counsellor yesterday morning and I think even she was a little shocked by everything that had gone on in just two weeks.

I've also had the locks changed as I couldn't relax knowing that he still had keys. I don't seem to know him at all so I couldn't be sure that he would give me advance warning of when he would show up. In my head, I was thinking to divide everything asap but I have realized I probably just need to slow down a bit and process things. And if I'm honest, I don't know if that's because there's some small part of me that would take him back if you came on his knees begging. (I hate myself for even writing that). And then I remember that he choose to go to her apartment at least 3 times that I know about and stay with her....I feel sick when I think of that and I can't rationalize it in my head. What was his thought process? How could he justify it to himself? Did he even think of me at all when he was driving or walking to her place or was it easier to pretend that he wasn't married or I didn't exist? Sorry girls, I'm very emotional today. :weep

CasualBride
Major Wolly
 
Posts: 570

Re: Relationship help needed.....what should I do?

Postby CasualBride » Fri Jul 27, 2018 10:19 am

Don't say sorry for being emotional, and it's definitely ok to continue posting here, I'm sure I speak for many people when I say that it's good for everyone to hear the reality about all aspects of married life, not just wedding planning.

I think you're right to slow things down a bit in terms of trying to get the practicalities sorted; there's absolutely no panic on doing that kind of thing just yet, it's only been a matter of days, so unless it's giving you some sort of healing, then don't bother with it just now. Changing the locks was a big step and fair play to you for doing that; you're dead right, I know so many women who have exes sauntering into their houses whenever they like, simply because it was the family home and their children live there, but it gives you no privacy or dignity at all to have someone else controlling when and where you come face-to-face. Good on you for taking that bit of control.
And I can totally and utterly understand why you're thinking about what to do if he comes back and tries to make things work; of course you're going to think that way, for ages now you were putting every bit of your heart and soul into trying to make this marriage work - you're still invested in it, regardless of what he has done, so it will either take time for that to fade away, or he will come back and ask you to give him another chance, but either way, you just have to focus on yourself and what is best for you; it's not about him. If you come to the conclusion that you would prefer to stay with him and he comes back asking for a chance, then that's totally fine; it's your decision and nobody else's, there are thousands of couples who give it another go after infidelity, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But don't be afraid to do what you feel is right for you, and if there are people around you trying to force you to maintain a certain attitude, then you need to explain to them that you need their support no matter what you decide, you don't need to have someone else's morals shoved down your throat.
This is about you and what you want in life. Obviously I'm hoping that you flourish without him, it sounds like the relationship has bee really one-sided for a long time now and that you're an extremely loyal and kind partner who was taken for granted in the extreme, so in theory, it would be nice to think that this relationship has run its course for you too, because you deserve to be in a much happier relationship, but ultimately it's up to what you want for yourself.

I can tell you, having had 2 long-term relationships before marrying my husband that sometimes moving on is the best thing you can do in terms of personal growth and confidence etc. My exes were good people, there was nothing bad about the relationships but they didn't fulfil me in the way my current one does; nobody's fault, just I wasn't getting a lot of the boxes ticked, despite feeling very loved up and happy, it did fade after a number of years and although it felt scary, I did leave and move on and experienced other things which made me feel so much more confident and self-assured; it was hard but it was the right thing. Now I'm with my husband and I feel like I can say anything to him, I am really upfront and have no qualms about saying "I need you to do this for me" whereas before I wouldn't have really known exactly what I wanted for myself, not to mind having the guts to ask for it. I always put my partners first, as if I wasn't important and it sounds like you do a bit of that too. Don't get me wrong, I think t's a default setting for most women; putting everyone first and ourselves last, and I still do it 50% of the time, but it's not all the time, and so ultimately myself and my husband are both fairly happy all the time because we know where we stand, we know we're both compromising and both getting stuff we want out of the relationship rather than things being one-sided.

Anyway, this isn't about me, sorry for waffling on - I'm just trying to say to you that while things might be about to absolutely explode for you, and you have no idea what the future holds, use this time to be selfish and to focus on yourself; now that you don't have to put all your energy into trying to figure out what the feck is wrong with your moody partner, you have loads of time to just sit and figure out how you're feeling.

Sending hugs :action32

Classic Resorts - Worldwide Luxury Honeymoons
cillcakes
Mini Wolly
 
Posts: 175

Re: Relationship help needed.....what should I do?

Postby cillcakes » Wed Aug 01, 2018 7:34 am

Hi how are you keeping ? Ofcourse you should still post here x x
How are things now ?

Sad and confused
New Wolly
 
Posts: 15

Re: Relationship help needed.....what should I do?

Postby Sad and confused » Thu Aug 02, 2018 9:48 am

Hi ladies.

Thanks for your replies, as always. I'm not sure how I feel....sometimes, I'm glad that I'm not living in such a horrible atmosphere anymore and sometimes I miss him so much, I have to stop myself from calling him. I saw him briefly a few days ago when he collected some stuff....he looked awful and like he hadn't slept or eaten in days. Broke my heart but I couldn't go near him. He stayed for more than 30 mins but didn't have much to say for himself, except that he had incorrectly thought that I had been to see a solicitor already (I haven't but he has because he thought I had O:| ) and when he was leaving, he said thanks for not shouting at him. I said that shouting wasn't going to solve anything and clearly I had some input into the breakdown of our marriage that made it so vulnerable that we ended up here. He asked me (via email) on Monday evening if I thought, that for me, we were over. I said that it was never what I wanted but I didn't know what the future holds as it's been a horrible few months. I asked him if he thought we were over and if that's what he wanted but no response yet..... He hasn't apologized for anything at all yet or made any indication that he wants to fight for us. I'm trying to be patient. I really want some answers from him but I know if I push him, he will never tell me anything.

cillcakes
Mini Wolly
 
Posts: 175

Re: Relationship help needed.....what should I do?

Postby cillcakes » Thu Aug 02, 2018 12:36 pm

Hey hun ,
I'm sure your emotions are all over the place .I can only imagine ! It must feel really weird with him gone and very sad & worrying. I think it will do you good all the same like what you said u don't have to live in that atmosphere now .
I think he knows already that u don't want this to happen .u have put so much in for a long time .that's exhausting and not fair on you.
You need to use this time for you and give it time for yourself. You have been trying to please him all the time now u need to concentrate on yourself .he still knows your there for him & not replying to your email is another example of taking it for granted .I would leave it now and not get in touch I know that's extremely hard but it might be just what he needs to realise that u have a life too.
Then when your stronger u can sort other stuff if that's what's going to happen !!
Hope your ok I know it's a major change after so many years together ..just try your best to look after no.1 xxx

CasualBride
Major Wolly
 
Posts: 570

Re: Relationship help needed.....what should I do?

Postby CasualBride » Fri Aug 24, 2018 10:56 am

Hey Sad and Confused, how have things been for you since you last posted?

PreviousNext

Go to Relationships