Sad and confused
I am a long term follower but I changed my name for this post. My OH and I have been together for 14 years and married for 3. We have always had an issue communicating about things. When my OH is annoyed, angry or just doesn't want to speak so he gives me the silent treatment and after so many years, I started to do the same back to him (not helpful or productive I know but eventually you lose respect for yourself when you feel like you're the only one trying).
Over the past year, things have gotten worse, to the point that we talked about splitting up. We decided that we want to stay together because we love each other but that we need help with communication so we have been going to counselling over the past couple of months, sometimes as a couple or something individually, depending on what the counsellor thinks.
I thought things were going well and we seemed to have moved to a better place but the last few days have been horrible. My husband is annoyed at me because I didn't know the answer to something (I think...we were having a conversation and then 2 minutes later, he stormed off and hasn't spoken to me since).
We have had other times like this in the past few months but this time it's worse because I have a big birthday coming up this weekend and we're having a party with friends and family, then we have a dinner planned with our parents and then we are also meant to go away together to a nice hotel for a night. On top of all that, we are also going on holidays with some friends in a week.
I just can't understand or believe that he's doing this to me right now. I asked him last night if he was deliberately trying to upset me but he just laughed and said that we were not having that conversation. (Which, knowing him, means that he feels it's me that has done something to upset him and until I apologise to him, he won't speak to me).
I am really just sick of this behavior. I know he has a counselling session tomorrow but I don't think it's going to make any difference. The party and holiday that we have planned will be tough but I just pretend that everything is ok but I don't know how I can pretend that everything is great in front of our parents at dinner and I am tempted to cancel our hotel night. But I feel like if I do that, then I am moving in a direction that I'm not sure I want to go.
Sorry for the long post...I'm upset and confused and I don't know what to do.
How u feeling now ? Hope your ok x
U have been together a long time and I'm guessing your big bday isn't of very old age and your together best part of your adult life.
You say communication has never been great .
I just personally feel that communication is everything ( whether they listen or not ) .
I feel for u because obviously your trying ..making plans , counselling etc .would u celebrate your bday without him ? Would it be easier & more enjoyable? Then see how u get on by yourself & see how u both feel after it.?
Nothing worse than silent treatment don't want to make u feel bad but don't think anyone deserves that .
Go treat yourself and enjoy your bday family and be nice to yourself xx
Sad and confused
Hi Cillcakes...thanks for your response. So, it turns out that he cancelled his session with the counsellor today because he 'doesn't want to go'....so my hopes that him showing up to those sessions showed his commitment to wanting us to work out.
He stayed in work until almost midnight last night.....this is his way of telling me that even though he hates his job (and he really hates his job), he would prefer to be there than be with me. He has told me that before so this is standard behavior for him.
I completely agree that the silent treatment is awful and I absolutely hate doing it....but it's more that I speak to him and he doesn't respond to me so I don't know what else to say/do. I have literally followed him around our house before, trying to get him to talk to me but that also didn't work.
Ironically, I was cleaning out our spare room last night for our guests this weekend and I came across that book you use when doing the pre-marriage course. For the section on describing his relationship between his parents, he wrote...'rows, silence, leaving'. It breaks my heart that he's doing the exact same thing and can't see it. His parents are separated for years and he always said that he wouldn't let the same happen to us.
I am going to use his session today with the counsellor but tbh, I'm not sure if it will help. I couldn't care less about my birthday as such as it's only one day of the year but it's more to do with the fact that we have all of these nice plans with friends and family and the only thing he can focus on is a stupid reason not to enjoy this time together and move forward (I can't even call it a row because there was none).
Could there be something else going on with him and he's only able to lash out at you? As in something with work or a family member and he's not sure how to talk about it?
Myself and my husband do something similar in that we will walk off and do silent treatment, but it only lasts a few hours and recently have discussed why we do it and have started at least texting each other after the row to say sorry but we need alone time for a little while so the other person isn't upset.
To be honest I would cancel the hotel or else go alone or with a friend. It's your birthday you don't need to feel bad there. It might also give you a chance to think about what is going on. Re dinner etc, you might try and pretend all is ok but I'm sure your family will be able to see something is wrong with you so while it might not be ideal could it be postponed - or even tell him you're postponing it to see what kind of reaction he has?
Fair play for going to counselling also - a lot of people don't see the benefit in it but it's the very least you can do is help yourself!
Oh hun I feel for you I don't think him cancelling session means he is not committed. Maybe like other girl says he is going through other stuff at minute .it still doesn't excuse his behaviour of making you feel like this .
Ye silent treatment is sugar and not easy at all .
Are you the one who always tries to make amends or fix things or please ?
Would you be brave enough to go stay with family & friends even for few days so you both know what you want ?
That's just exhausting for you there is enough sugar in life than to have to live like that .
Big hugs x
Sad and confused
Sorry for the delayed response; it was a hectic week, starting with my OH giving me a hug (first time in days) and saying that he was sorry for the way things have been. It was like my normal OH was back and he was the kind, attentive, sweet and loving man that he is most of the time. We ended up going to the hotel and having a lovely time and also had a great time on holidays with our friends.
We didn't really talk about the elephant in the room, except to agree that maybe the counsellor we have is not the best for us. I hope we can find another one as I don't want to just stop going as we still have sorted anything out. His job is a huge pain point for him, which I am well aware of and I try to be as supportive as possible but I feel it's not fair that I'm bearing the brunt of his frustrations.
Anyways, fingers crossed that we will work things out (when things are good like this between us, I feel really positive) but in any case, thanks so much for listening and responding.....it really helped.
Good to hear; I think guys need a better outlet for their feelings. they're told that they need to hold everything in.
One thing I find good is talking when we are in the car - it's apparently a thing that it's easier to talk when sitting side to side rather than head on so maybe something like that could also work.
Men are not as wordy as a woman thinks. There are certainly those that say and praise a lot but still ... my girl from Ibridder (dating website)tries at such moments to quietly and smoothly find out the cause of my concern. For this I respect her. So catch my advice too.
Men always try to be a support for their girlfriend if he needs it at the same time. It should support it, too. All the rest is a mistrust or fading of trust and love. Think about it. Talk together. The girls I know this is always obtained with a sweet conversation)
Sad and confused
Hi ladies. It's me again. Things have gone from bad to good to bad again and I really don't know what to do so I'm reaching out for some advice. Literally 4 days after we got back from holidays, we had another big row (which started when I asked him to book a hotel for a trip we were going on the following weekend and he said that I was nagging and annoying him as didn't want to do it right then....it was the first time I had asked him to do it as I thought he had already booked it. Anyways, that row meant we practically didn't speak to each other for 4 days; I tried but he just started shouting at me that I was verbally abusing him and that if he dis-engages, then I should try and get him to re-engage again. That he's upset at something that I have done or said so I should fix it.
In the end, we went away for the few days (it was a wedding of a colleague of his) and we had a nice time with no rows and have had a fairly quiet week as we've both been busy with work. He worked until after midnight on Friday night but told me about it so at least I could plan something with some friends and went into work yesterday (Saturday) from 6pm until midnight. This morning, he was hanging a picture and asked me to help him with the measuring tape.....I was trying to hold it up but I wasn't doing it right, according to him and he just barked at me......'would you use your cop-on'...that upset me and I asked him why he was speaking to me like that so he 'apologised' but in a way that meant he clearly wasn't sorry. So a few minutes later, he told me he was going for a walk and I said I would go with him (even though I knew he didn't want me to but I'm so sick of him just leaving whenever he wants) and a couple of minutes into the walk, I asked him why he thought it was appropriate to speak to me like that...why is he first reaction with me to fly off the handle, especially when he doesn't do it with anyone else. He said that I deserved it and he's just saying it like it is and the fact that he's apologised should be enough but 'here you are making it into a big deal and now I'm angry'. This was said shouting at me, while walking back to our place as we were not going on that walk anymore. So, now he's stormed off and I'm here crying, wondering what it is I want and whether I should bite the bullet and ask him to leave. I feel like I can't talk to him and he won't go to a counselling again and I don't think he will ever recognise that his behaviour is wrong or destructive to me and to us (and to him). I honestly have no idea what to do or say to him. Even though he is physically here, in my eyes his behaviour shows that he doesn't want to be and I wish he would just be honest with it. I feel like I'm going crazy. Sorry for the long post and thanks for reading, if you managed to stay until the end.
Hey I couldn't log in there for few weeks but seen your post about things getting better but couldn't reply .
Only you know in your heart & gut if this is right for you or worth working on. You have to look after yourself 2. It's terrible been shouted at I wouldn't like it & would be very hurt .
I suppose you need to think of what you really want & be honest with yourself. Life is too short and there is enough ppl that treat us crap in life u don't need it in the home .
Hope your ok x