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Relationship help needed.....what should I do? - Page 2

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2bmrskc Posts: 46
Sorry but why are you with this @ss?He blames you telling you deserve to be treated like that and talked down to, sorry but playing happy families does not work! Think about how you would want a daughter of yours to be treated,,, would this be good enough,, please take care, men are idiots
Sad and confused Posts: 15
Hello....it's me again. I thought things could not get worse but it turns out they can and have. I discovered last week that my husband has become very friendly with a woman from work over the past 8 months to the point that they are texting each other non-stop..... I don't know exactly how much but certainly 20 times a day some days, even when we were on holidays. :o( :o( :o( I feel so sick, stupid and so betrayed. I don't think they are having an affair but I can now see that my husband has completely checked out of our relationship for months now because he had someone else to be emotionally involved with. His phone has been glued to his hand recently, last week when I asked him to borrow it to take a picture, he said no which I thought was strange. However, last Sunday morning at 9.30am, a text pops up from this work colleague, with a picture of herself from a place she was on holidays. He told me they are just friends and she has been a great outlet for him. She is much easier to talk to than me and if he didn't have that friendship, then he doesn't think we would still be together at this point. (I can't understand how he doesn't see the link between what he is doing and the damage it's done to our relationship). I asked him to stop texting her and not to respond to any texts and he said he will/has but I can't know for sure. BTW, she is married (according to my husband), which confuses me even more. What kind of a woman would do this to her husband? I have told him I love him and I want our marriage to work but that he needs to feel like this too. He said he doesn't know what he wants as things between us are so difficult and hard and he doesn't want to be in this position again in a couple of years time. Again, I can't understand why he is acting like he has no control over his actions and if he doesn't want to be in this place again, stop lying to me and stop pushing me away. Unbelievably (to me), he has gone to a work party this afternoon and his colleague will be there. Am I stupid in thinking that he should realise that he shouldn't have gone and he should spend time with me instead? I am not normally a needy person but I don't know how much more of this I can take before I ask him to leave and there will be no going back. I went to a counsellor the other day and she told me to stop focusing on him and just focus on me for a few days so that is why I am on here.....does anyone have any advice on how to stop my mind going into overdrive and to stop me driving myself crazy? I need to learn how to quiet my mind. (p.s. I know what I should probably do but I'm not mentally and emotionally capable of that just yet so please don't judge me).
2bmrskc Posts: 46
I am so so sorry that you're in this position, I was there myself with my ex when he "doing a lot of Saturday overtime", yet I saw no benefit, he became emotionally involved with a girl in the office, who he's now married to, they were "just work colleagues", Always Always trust your gut, you are not feeling this way for no reason, please do as the Councillor suggested and focus on you, and you will really have to have a talk with himself too, be prepared as best you can, I really am so so sorry your going through this
CasualBride Posts: 574
Hi Sad and Confused.. I have just read your original post and the thread that followed; from an outsider's perspective, with zero knowledge of your actual relationship, it sounds exactly like you said - that he checked out of your relationship months ago and that, in my opinion, is why he's being so nasty to you without a second thought. I'm sorry to say this but in my opinion, if he was still in love with you, he would not be going to that work party, he would not be snapping at you and making excuses to be away from you, whether he's working late, or causing friction that keeps ye apart, he's still getting lots of space from you without actually having the guts to be upfront with you and say that he wants space. It's so bloody manipulative and in my opinion, the only solution here is for you to call him out on it; to say "look, it's very clear that you don't want to be around me, but you don't have the guts to say it, so I'm not going to let you make me feel like I'm the problem here... if you don't want to try and fix things, then leave." He might be having some sort of crisis where he is questioning the relationship or it could be his defense mechanisms kicking in, if he has the subconscious belief that marriage involves "rows, silence, leaving" that he stated on the pre-marriage course, he might be subconsciously preparing himself for you leaving, not realising that he's actually pushing you. But if he's not willing to go to therapy, then he's not going to wake up to that fact, which is why I think it's important that you be really transparent with him by letting him know that you can see exactly what he's doing by trying to manipulate you into thinking that you're the one in the wrong.
Sad and confused Posts: 15
Hi ladies. Thanks for your thoughts and feedback. I asked him about counselling this morning and he will let me know this evening. He wanted to know what I said about him at my session last week and if I talked about his 'behaviour'. I'm not sure what to make of how he said it as it's like he knows that he's doing something wrong (which he has not admitted to yet) but it could also be he's taking the p out of me because I've told him that his current behaviour is unacceptable to me, as his partner and wife. He has been more affectionate in the past few days and we've even had dinner together this week (first time in weeks...it's been that bad :o( ) but aside from that, nothing really has changed and he hasn't opened up to me about anything going on between us. I feel like if I bring the discussion up, then I'm pushing him before he's ready to talk about it but on the other hand, I've been a fool for the past 8 months and thought that giving him some space would be the best. O:| O:| O:| I don't feel as awful as I did last week and am just taking it one day at a time and trying to remember to stay true to me. Thanks again ladies.
CasualBride Posts: 574
Hi again Sad and Confused. You are a very patient and kind partner, I must say - fair play to you. I know many people would say "tell him to F off" etc, but obviously that's not what you want to do, so fair play to you for putting in the effort when you're not getting much back - that takes strength. It's hard to interpret what he meant when he asked if you'd told the therapist about his behaviour.. i'm all for honesty, sometime we think we're open and good at communicating when we're actually not as good as we think we are, so the best thing I did in my marriage was swallowed my pride and was more "basic" when it came to asking my husband EXACTLY what he felt / meant etc, and I also told him EXACTLY how I felt about things even though it meant I felt a bit vulnerable and less "powerful" in the relationship than what I was used to.. a bit of a bad attitude in me about power I guess, but that's kind of what I always resorted to in my relationships; being the dominant person and not showing a soft side too much. But from going to therapy I started to realise that that wasn't really a nice way to be, so I became more open to being really honest with my partner and instead of just being stroppy and expecting him to instinctively know what he'd done to upset me, I was really upfront and I started saying things like "it makes me feel left out and unimportant when you go off out with the lads without giving me a second thought" and when I put it that way, he realised he was actually hurting my feelings rather than just thinking about what he wanted to do in any given situation and it really helped us. What I'm saying is that seeing as you're so willing to give your partner support if he's going through some sort of a tough time, maybe you could start being really open and vulnerable with him in the hope that it'll make him more sensitive and aware of the damage he's doing to your relationship. Best of luck with it and well done to you! x
Keith Malone Video
cillcakes Posts: 174
Hey hun ...how u feeling today?x Hope your ok .I agree with casual bride..you are very patient! It's easy for anyone to give advice and hard to drink out own medicine . I agree with him been manipulative..u said In a post about this friend from work that if it wasn't for her been so easy to talk to u might not be where u are today ? And asking you about counselling etc some form of power with him . U asked if he was going to go to counselling and he said he woukd tell u later . From what u r saying it seems to me you are been very clear with your feelings and what you want .can anyone in your inner circle recognise what's going on ? Can you talk to someone .you must be exhausted! Try be nice to yourself x
Sad and confused Posts: 15
Well, you ladies know how to make a grown woman cry. Thanks for your thoughts and words......it’s funny but I don’t feel very patient at the moment, I just want to shake some sense into him. I know in my heart that I’m not ready to walk away and Leave him without trying to help him first as there’s too much to lose. So, he agreed to go for one counselling session, even though he knows ‘that all we will talk about is him being the problem’. I was a bit shocked and asked him if he honestly thought his behaviour right now is acceptable but he didn’t answer me. No one likes to be told they are in the wrong but my OH seems like he would rather end our marriage instead of admitting he’s in the wrong. I explained (yet again) that I’m not interested in blame or who’s right or wrong but I just want to get help to figure out why we are where we are, how to fix it and how to avoid it again. He doesn’t believe me as it’s not how he thinks. I also said to him that he manipulates situations so that I am afraid to ask him a question or to say anything to him really as it will end up with him not speaking to me or me giving him space....both of which leaves him to do what he pleases with no regard for me. I have honestly tried to be as open and honest with him and I’ve told him that I feel hurt, betrayed, scared, nervous at various times over the past few weeks but I get silence in return. I’ve repeatedly told him I love him and want to help him. He won’t open up to me and he won’t tell me how he’s feeling or what he’s thinking about us. I can’t even ask where he went for lunch or who with because he behaves like I’m checking up on him but yet, he can ask me and I don’t think twice about answering him. His family are visiting right now and he told me last night that I should behave normally. He is clearly wound up, which is making me nervous and on edge and there is obviously a tension around us. So different to how we used to be. Thanks again girls. Fingers crossed we can make the next couple of weeks and go to that session and take it from there.
cillcakes Posts: 174
Hey It seems like you are doing everything and more all the time and getting v little back it takes 2 ! He married you for you..u were together long enough so he knew u inside out .u don't marry after all them years if u don't love someone. I'm getting married in few months after 16 years. Warts & all.so don't see it as something u might of done etc.dont be hard on yourself. I realise marriage is a commitment and u need to work on bad times but seriously it takes 2 ! I think maybe he has changed unfortunately or u are seeing things diff yourself . I would put cards on table and go with your gut ! U can't go on like that it's v hard x
neadyr Posts: 2
I'm really sorry this is happening to you :( It's not fair and you seem to be doing everything to try and help him. Can i just say that this reminds me of my parents, my mother came from a happy family and my father came from a seriously dysfunctional family - what you said your OH wrote in the book... silence, walking away - reminds me of my father and his family. My parents are no longer together thankfully but my mother stayed for decades with a complete asshole who made her think that she was at fault for everything. She couldn't understand it and booked counselling and even asked him to see a doctor for depression. This was while he went and lived a life completely separate to us. I'm no longer in contact with him as he doesn't deserve to be a part of my life. I'm really sorry to say this but reading your posts just reminds me of my father and the way he treated my mother. You remind me of my mam, a kind woman who is doing everything she can to make her husband happy. You've put up with a lot and I know you say you're not ready to walk away but please consider it, for yourself. My mam was so scared to walk away because she had 3 kids to look after and she only worked part time. She put up with his shit for 20+ years and I don't know why. Please, start thinking about you and what YOU want. You can't help someone who does not want to help themselves, I learnt that from watching my mam try. Don't say no to walking away just because you have been together for so long.