The right thing to say?

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bailey78 Posts: 394
I am going to visit a good friend tomorrow whom just had a mc I dont want to say stupid things like you will be fine it will happen again. I feel so sorry for her as I cant imagine what she has gone through. I know there really is nothing right to say but is there anything to make her feel a little better? :thnk
bailey78 Posts: 394
Sorry I posted in the wrong place
Ginger Rogers Posts: 442
The best thing you can say is that you will be there for her, and that she can count on you to talk whenever she needs you. I found this was the most comfort, and hated people to say "at least you know it can happen", or, you'll be fine.
MrsOBrien1412 Posts: 3971
[quote="Snugglebug":y695upmy]The best thing you can say is that you will be there for her, and that she can count on you to talk whenever she needs you. I found this was the most comfort, and hated people to say "at least you know it can happen", or, you'll be fine.[/quote:y695upmy] I was just about to say the same thing I have a sil and good friend who have both had mc and they both agreed it just good to talk and have some-one to listen to them x
Desert-Moon Posts: 1174
The best thing you can do for her is be there as a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear. Tell her to let you know if she ever needs to have a chat about it. She may not want to talk about it, some people deal with it this way. But with DD was stillborn all I wanted to do was talk about it - to validate her existance somehow. My BF was there whenevr I needed her. What I found especially thoughtful at the time was things people brought me like little angel pins, and I don't know if she'd appreciate this, but I got a mass card with a message along the lines of "for your intentions", and another "for the little children". It just showed me that people had put a bit of thought into waht had happened, and wanted to show their sympathy in some way. HTH :wv
Lady Di Posts: 2487
Yeah I have to agree with Desert Moon. I actually loved to talk about my little bean so was really happy when people asked me about it or friends were just there for me. Most people tip toe around it and don't mention it and that used to annoy me. I know its just cos they don't know what to say or they're probably scared that I'd start crying if they asked. People say things like 'sure you're only young' or 'at least you know you can conceive' and they mean well but they are things that you should NOT say!! You're obviously a caring friend to be looking into this so you'll be fine, she'll be delighted to be just able to talk to you!
MUMS THE WORD Posts: 733
I think the other girls pretty much covered it by saying there is no 'right' thing to say but there are soo many 'WRONG' things to say, like 'sure it wasnt' a real baby', 'at least you know you can get pregnant' 'time will heal' 'it'll happen again'..... the list is endless. I really just wanted someone to acknowledge tHE BABIES that i'd lost and say 'Fuck MTW you know what, you've been through a horrible time, and it's prob one of the worst things that could happen to anyone.... I just wanted people to be honest with me, and not tip-toe around me, and the worst thing that really pissed me off was when my mother would ring me and say... Oh such and such was on the phone, and she's devastated for you, but is afraid to ring you and wants to give you your space..... to me that was a cop out!!! I want so-and-so to ring me and say MTW I really don't know what to say!!! It really surprised me the amount of people who let me down during those times, cause they didn't know what to say. Fair dues to you for going to see your friend, I hope she is ok too.
mammybean Posts: 10364
I cant agree with MTW more - about everything she said. make sure she knows you are there for her! one person , a fsil brought me flowers and that was the most anyone did tbh it pissed me off. so id say maybe bring her a binh, give her a hug and let her sob her heart out if thats what she wants you are already a good friend
Blackbird Posts: 5135
I agree with everything the girls have said, go to see her and let her know you're there. I'm sure it's great when people say 'let me know if you need anything' but I know I really wanted the few people we did tell to ask me how I was, say on a random Tuesday, rather than me having to bring it up again. But nobody ever mentioned it again, which I found very annoying. Let her know if she wants to talk about it that's fine and also if she doesn't that's fine too. I got the 'at least you know you can get pregnant' line. While I thought that myself a couple of times, it's really not helpful at all to hear it. Your friend will appreciate the fact that you're thinking about how best to approach and that you're going to see her.
AudreyJ Posts: 1063
I really realised who my real friends were when I had my m/cs, particularly the last one. The Friday after the last one there was a posse of supportive friends beating a path to my door from 11am until 9pm. They brought lunch, cakes, wine, indian takeaway, and were just there for me and DH. The ones who didn't know what to say just gave me a hug and said "I really don't know what to say to you, what you are going through is really s h i t". It was so much better than the people who said nothing and totally ignored the situation, as well as the ones who came out with such pearls of wisdom as "at least you know you can conceive" and "sure your day will come" and "it wasn't meant to be" and all the other crap people say. All you need to say to your friend is that you are so sorry to hear about her loss, and if she needs a friend to talk to, you are there for her. You don't really have to say much, just be there and listen to her.
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