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YoMammaSo Posts: 3256
Im a bit upset and wanted to see your view on something: sorry if its a bit long Im in my workplace for 7 years now and a girl that ive been very friendly with for years we would talk everyday stand chatting for ages, used to go out on nights out together call to each other homes a good work mate. well on Friday morning we were talking and she asked what i was at for the weekend. I told her (all excited) how myself and Dh were going for a private scan and we were bringing my 2 stepsons with us who are 7 and 9. We wanted to bring them, for many reasons so they would feel included, so they would bond with Little brother or sister, so when baby arrives in Fabruary they wont feel this baby is more important than them etc loads of different reasons. my friends face fell! she is a single mother and had a lot of problems with her ex over the years she had to bring him to court to take there ds etc. Well she thought what we were doing was totally WRONG, she really got uppdity about it she said if her ex did and brought her son, that she would go through the roof etc she really got mad with me, but didnt have any real reason i felt for feeling this way, she questioned wether we had permission from their mother (my dh lived with his sons all of their lives untill they split up, and is by no means a part-time dad) , i couldnt get a word in edge ways to get across my point of view, i ended up walking away as the conversation was getting quite heated. I feel so strongly that the boys will not feel excluded, this baby is their little bro/sister and the baby will look up and idolise them we really wanted it to be special. We brought the boys they loved it they knew they were going and were so excited about it. It was a lovely expierance, they asked loads of questions and were in aww of the whole thing. I saw my friend this morning and we both kind of avoided each other and im still really hurt about it. The only thing i can think of is that it is a mothers jealousy that their child would share some thing so special with someone else and not them. Do you think we were wrong ? If you think we were please dont slate me im feeling upset already as it is. PS my mother in law had them this morning before school and as i typed the above sentance she text me and said" the boys were very excited this morning telling me about the baby in the belly kickin away"
GreenerPastures Posts: 7284
No I don't think you were wrong. This is your situation and your life so she shouldn't be putting her hang ups on to you. I take it though that you have told your OHs ex that you are expecting and she won't be finding out from her LOs? As long as you try to take peoples feelings into account I think it's fine. She sounds very bitter and she resents you having a good OH who has a good relationship with his children. ETA- in the words of my American SIL, she is 'projecting' her problems on to you. Don't take it personally.
StupidSexyFlanders Posts: 8402
Wow, I would consider your friend's reaction very strange. I don't think there is anything whatsoever wrong with what you did - it seems ludicrous to even suggest it might be wrong. Bringing two little boys to have first glimpse of their new brother or sister - what could possibly be wrong about that? Fair play to you for making sure to include them and make them feel a part of this exciting time. You know you'd be criticised if you didn't too so you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't - don't pay any heed to your friend's odd reaction. You've done nothing wrong IMO.
Jawl Posts: 8881
I think what you did was perfectly right! I'm not even sure you'd need to get your step sons mothers permission to take them. It sounds more like your colleague has her own issues, and is taking them out on you. I have one friend who is a single mother, and has a lot of issues with her child's father. And she goes off on one everytime the subject is raised about other people, and sometimes we're all sat there thinking "What's the relevance to her situation?". But she's very bitter and in no way over her split, even though it happened 8 years ago. Try to put it out of your head, and keep your distance from her for a while. I think tis lovely the way you are trying to include them.
YoMammaSo Posts: 3256
[quote="MrsDodders":3pqtmni5]No I don't think you were wrong. This is your situation and your life so she shouldn't be putting her hang ups on to you. I take it though that you have told your OHs ex that you are expecting and she won't be finding out from her LOs? As long as you try to take peoples feelings into account I think it's fine. She sounds very bitter and she resents you having a good OH who has a good relationship with his children.[/quote:3pqtmni5] oh she knows of course since i was 3 months gone, we take the boys every second wknd and a few evenings a week for 3 hours, weve had them every single wknd this month and for the last week as she is away on her hols , we have a great relationship with the boys, my friend made it about her in her situation, this is my baby and my situation and i love those 2 boys sooo much, i feel im damned if i do and damned if i dont. as a step mother.
GreenerPastures Posts: 7284
Ah listen I know she's your friend but you can't let her dump on you like that. At the end of the day it's none of her business anyway. She needs to cop on and deal with her situation and stop being bitter at everyone else.
YoMammaSo Posts: 3256
[quote="MrsDodders":1vr9mg01]Ah listen I know she's your friend but you can't let her dump on you like that. At the end of the day it's none of her business anyway. She needs to cop on and deal with her situation and stop being bitter at everyone else.[/quote:1vr9mg01] thanks girls- my problem is if something is bothering me it really eats at me and is on my consiounce all the time. it really bothered me, but im also upset if ive lost a friendship over this . . [quote="StupidSexyFlanders":1vr9mg01]You know you'd be criticised if you didn't too so you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't - don't pay any heed to your friend's odd reaction. [/quote:1vr9mg01] ha easy knowing were in the same situation i had the other reply written when i read yours ! Thanks
Jawl Posts: 8881
[quote:1d92fz7u] i feel im damned if i do and damned if i dont. as a step mother[/quote:1d92fz7u] And I think you always will be! It's a hard job you're taking on. I had a taste of it. My other half's ex, has 3 grown up daughters, similar to my age. H2b kept in touch with one daughter and her child, they live in the UK. It was pretty one sided, him doing all the running and them doing all the taking. Basically they were using him as a bank machine. I got to know them, and made huge efforts which really pleased my other half, as he didn't feel like he had to have 2 seperate lives anymore. But long story short, this step daughter of his turned out to be a rotten witch, who has more issues than fecking Hello Magazine, and basically tried to put him in a position, where he had to keep putting her and her kid before me, making him choose. Putting pressure on him for money etc, saying if he can afford to get married, he can afford to send some her way. In all fairness, his ex wife wouldn't have made those demands on him!! And she's decided that I'm a twisted weirdo freak and cut h2b off, but is blaming me, saying I took him away from them. He was hurt to begin with, but now sees that he just saw her true colours before it cost him anymore. I was pretty hurt too, as I did help her loads for all of last year, and bought her things/sent her things and helped her out financially too. So yes, as any sort of step parent, you are bloody damned if you do, and damned if you don't :duh: :duh:
YoMammaSo Posts: 3256
morrigin its lovely to hear that you had a lovely expieriance and still remember it! makes me feel better about it! Jawl- Ive read about that one before she sounds like a right wagon so she does!
Jawl Posts: 8881
Mrs. Diamond I think you are going about things the right way. Best of luck with it all and don't take your colleagues comments to heart.