i'm looking for a bit of advice on what to do about my hubby who has a gambling problem.
heres d story, sorry it will be a bit long but i need to give the whole picture.
when i first started going out with my hubby (9 years this march), i knew he liked to have a bet. it would be a trip to the local bookies on a saturday morning to put a small few quid on the days soccer fixtures etc etc, but over the last few years since its getting easier to gamble it has gotten worse, interms of the amount of money he started to gamble and the ease at which it is to put bets on.
within 2 1/2 years of being together we moved to another town as he got a job and my current contract position came to an end so i decided i'd move with him and try to get work there which i did. the lads he worked with plus his friends at home in our home town were big into gambling too so once he started earning big bucks the gambling got bigger and worse. he started credit card gambling (luckily the credit card was in both names so i knew all bout this) and the bets were something else. he could put 500 on and lose so then he'd try and go and win it back by gambling more and more. twas one month when it seemed outrages that i actually totted up the amount he had gambled to try and break even and it came to 5000. with all this going on we were building a house back in our home town. i moved back to a fantastic job with good money and he was in the process of coming back when he got a job offer plus we were getting married with a date set. when i saw the credit card i told him things had to stop or i was pulling out of the wedding , house etc, so he agreed to cancel his betting acounts on the credit card and the gambling stopped on the credit card as he had no easy means of picking up the phone and placing a bet. but it was still agreed that he could have the odd cash bet like he used to do. all seemed to be going fine, we got married, moved into the house until i noticed some money missing out of one of our accounts that we had surplus left over to finish the house for doing the garden , utility room etc. he was taking out the money and transfering it into his own account for none other than gambling with a laser card he recently ordered from the bank. so once again i had to put a top to the laser card and the gambling. but money kept dissapearing out of the account. i could have taken the money that was left in the account out but i trusted him it would stop. but it wasn't until the bones of 10,000 later when he had almost completely cleared the account that i decided enough was enough and took the remaining few hundred out and into my own account.
once again he promised to get it under control and he bought one of those cds to help and try and stop gambling but he never listen to.
the last few months have been awful for me with him. we have a 5 month old baby and i thought he'd get his act together by now once he had responsibilities but he has got worse again. he has started taking a cash advance out of the credit card some where in the region of up to 2000 a month and you'd want to be a right fool to not know where its going. he says its to do with the way he is getting paid and that he needs money for the direct debits we have coming out of his account.
THERE IS NO POSSIBLE WAY that he should be short of money as he has a well enough paid job and me paying my half .
i'm at the end of my tether, dunno what to do with him.i 've threatened to leave him but with a five month old baby its very hard to up and go with all the gear. I'VE HAD ENOUGH. I love him to bits, he is a terrific guy if it were only for his gambling, everything would be so perfect otherwise.
he wont go to one of these gamblers annon meetings as a friend of his went and said they were crap. where do i go from here. what is the best thing for me and my 5 month old son to do. i can't live the rest of my life with him. i want out from this.
his parents and a close friend of mine knows but can't advice me what to do. i'm afraid to tell my own family as they would absolutely kill him for being like this plus they'd be the type to throw the crap in my face afterwards.
i'm so desperate for advice. please help. i'm so stuck in this rut! what would you do if you were me.
if you want out,
a) take all your money and put in itno your own account.
b) cancel any credit cards etc that you may own together. tell him any of his debt he can transfer to his own credit card, not a joint one.
c) tell your family it's over, you needn't go into the details if you don't want to.
d) pack your bags and go stay with family or friends until you're sorted.
a cd is not going to sort this guy out. he has an addiction and 2000 a month isn't exactly a small additction either.
get him the number of a good counsellor and leave it for him. you've given him so many chances now and he's done nothing.
god kala, thats a desperate situation for you to be in, i really dont have much advice for you, i was in a similar situation but with an alcholic a few years ago, he didnt/wouldnt recognise he had a problem and in the end i had to walk away from it, that being said it was easier for me i was single liveing at home and no family. obviously you have talked about his problem and the seriousness of the consequences now that you have a new baby & house. if he wont listen i would urge you to speak to your family or maybe his mam or dad, surely they could help, have faith in your reletives, no one would want to see you in a situation like this. i hope things work out for you.
I think you should give these people a ring ASAP and seek some advice.
Think very clearly about your next steps and don't make any threats you aren't prepared to follow through with. Tough love is required here. He has to realise that his marriage and family life are at stake.
I really hope everything works out for you.
God, how awful. Your some woman to have put up with it this long. You have given him so many chances by now. At this stage you should only think about whats best for you and your baby. Think of the things you's could have done with that money that he has squandered. Where does it stop?? If its an addiction then I dont know if there's anything you can do to help him, he needs professional help.
Take care, I hope it all works out for you
Why should you be the one to leave your home? You have done nothing wrong and you have a baby to consider.
Dont leave your home. Sit him down and talk to him in a very serious but calm way. Make sure he knows you mean business.
Do as another poster has suggested and clear all joint debt make him take responsibility for his own actions. Then tell him you have had enough you can take no more and are not prepared to live like this any longer. Kick him out. He needs a wake up call. He stopped long enough for you to get married to him and continue to build your home together so now he thinks you cannot follow through on your last threats.
Show him not only can you but you will. Make him realise what he stands to loose if he continues like this. Tell him you will support him through anything so long as he is getting help. Go with him to the meetings if need be. Just remember - he has to want to get better before he will actually mean it. Show him what life will be like without you and his son if he continues the way he his.
hopefull this will be enough to kick him into touch and want to get better.
I hope it works out for you.
and do let us know how you get on.
My heart goes out to you, I had a gambling boyfriend for a few months many years ago and it was pure hell. I was probably lucky in one way that neither of us had much money at the time so I just didn't tolerate it and we split up.
I think the advice to seperate your finances, leave him with his debts and kick him out is the best. No reason why you should have to move out and if he finds himself out on his ear he is more likely to cop on and get help. Hand him the number for GA with his bags.
I would be very concerned about leaving him in the house as he would probably go and lose the house with his gambling, you need to make sure that he cannot get money on the basis of the house without your say so and generally make sure that you are financially protected from his habit.
It will be very hard with a 5 month old, but you cannot go on like this and he will continue with this behavior for as long as he can get away with it.
Best of luck
girls thanks for all the replies so soon.
i just hope for my sake and my ds sake that we can work it out. he is a loving husband in many many ways and a great father to our son but as you have said i need to show him that i'm serious about what he is doing and i mean business. his parents live next door (we built on site next to them) so i've asked him to move back home tomorrow until he shows me a track record of being able to manage his money and stop his gambling. it breaks my heart to do it but i have no choice. he agrees i shouldn't be the one that moves out so i'm desperately hoping he goes tomorrow or else i'll have to let my own parents know whats going on.
i can't keep pretending to the outside world everything is perfect when its not. people are telling me how fantastic i look since i've had the baby (i lost all my pregnancy weight immediately) and how that i've taken to motherhood like a duck to water. ithank god i didn't get pnd either.f they really only new what i'm going through mentally.
wish hubby would wake up to whats really going on and what he stands to loose. i'm hoping that by him moving back home that he will get the wake up call he needs.
i'm the one that manages the money in the house and only for me we wouldn't have twopence to our names. he knows that too and because i've a few quid tucked away belong to us jointly and of my own he thinks we are loaded when all it is to me is a bit to fall back on when we need it. he is the type of guy who has no mass in money, while i'm so careful with it. always have been and this is the way i was brought up. my parents always encouraged me to save as a child and have a bit for the rainy day. now i do spend my money, i don't deprive myself of clothes meals out takeaways etc and now since i had the baby i just love buying for him and not myself. i've even opened an account for our son and put the money people gave us when he was born into it and used our own money to buy him stuff. i'm not a money mad person just incase i sound like it but hubby has really drivenn me over the edge with what he is doing. i'm so afraid that there is only one way out of this and that my dream of having a loving lasting family and marriage is gone forever.
when i read this i had to reply. i found out in the last few months that my H2B has a gambling problems was spending a fortune on it every week. i was so shocked didn't know what to do. he is in gamblers annon for a month or so and everything seems to be going well. he knows its a day to day thing and i do find it hard sometimes. what my H2B finds easier is not to carry much cash with you just to use laser for buying products that they say not too carry cash. i do find that i'm always checking his account to see it. i wasn't sure what to do whether to cancel the wedding or what but i haven't.
i know its hard for you and maybe i'm wrong for sticking with H2B but like you said hes a good man.
i'd def recommend he going to gamblers annon. good luck with it.
Kala, glad to hear you are getting somewhere. Don't feel that all your dreams are gone and don't feel like your dreams can only be fulfilled with this man either. Take each day at a time, there is no need to abandon him, completely just yet, but you need to keep your perspective and wait to see how he deals with things before you make any decisions either way. It's such a hard, hard time dealing with anything like this and I really do feel for you. I hope it all works out to the best possible conclusion without too much more heartache.
Bride03 I would be very careful, if the wedding is soon it might not be a bad idea to put things on hold for a while to see how he gets on. Gambling is a very hard thing to quit by all accounts and the pressure of the wedding could cause him to slip back. Also, you don't want to be starting married life together with the kind of trust issues that gambling causes, like the need to check his account all the time, if you can possibly help it. Again, good luck and I hope he stays strong.