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ReginaFalange Posts: 10290
Girls have we not moved on from the days of sitting around waiting and hoping for our men folk to pop the question? The amount of threads I read in the relationship forum from women who really want to get married, have been with their partners for a long time and are just sitting around getting more and more frustrated waiting on their OH’s to pop the question. Some are even afraid to bring up the subject as it might anger their OH’s. I don’t get this at all. Are we not equals? Are we really so unevenly matched in our relationships that we have to sit around like meek helpless mice hoping that the men folk will finally make honest women of us? What do ye think? Are you/were you afraid to talk about this with your DH? Were you left waiting for that question for years simply because he wouldn’t ask or wouldn’t discuss the topic?
StupidSexyFlanders Posts: 8402
We talked about it from about a year into our relationship - it was always on the cards from there on and when we were together three and a half years we went to pick my ring together. I was actually only asking H about it at the weekend as a couple we know got engaged and (AFAIK) it was a total surprise for the girl. I was wondering if he'd any regrets about it not being this big traditional romantic surprise but neither of us have. We did it our own way and it worked for us! To be honest I was never the type to p[i:3d6cukkm]u[/i:3d6cukkm]ssyfoot around H with regard to our relationship. If I wanted to know where we were headed in the early days I asked (or told him :o0 )
Anne Cordelia Shirley Posts: 4731
We talked about our future as "our future" from early on. I don't understand why people who consider themselves in a serious relationship wouldn't, TBH. I don't necessarily mean that everyone wants to get married, I've more than one friend who is in a serious long term relationship with no desire to marry, but in terms of knowing where you stand. I knew I wanted to get married and have a family, and do it in that order. I don't remember the first time we had "that" conversation but certainly after a month we were talking about our future together. We had made a lot of decisions on where to live, how many children and what we wanted from life before we got engaged. On the other hand, I've friends who've been with their partners for years and don't seem to be able to talk about the future. I'm generalising, but they generally met their men in their late teens/early 20s and have only had relationships with them. They do seem to be hanging about, saying things like "I know we'll get married, he has to be ready though" and I wonder what the men and women are waiting for. You either want to get married or you don't. I can't imagine playing the waiting game with someone I wanted to share my life with. Maybe its because my husband was a bit older when we met, and I was in my late 20s, we just didn't see a need to be going out for years. We met and were married within two years and now have a baby on the way. Meanwhile, some of my friends are heading for ten years or more with partners they don't even seem to be able to plan a future with. If they didn't want to get married or have a family, fair enough. But they do. And they are just waiting around. I don't understand it.
CarolinaMoon Posts: 2431
Nope. OH and I met when we were 33. Firstly he told me he wasn't looking for a relationship so I told him to bog off as I was. Sheesh, playing hard to get seems to work - not that that was my intention - because he then decided he did want a relationship. I made it clear from word go I was looking for long term/marriage/kids with the right person. About 6 months in we realise we were long term. OH didn't want to get engaged and would be happy never to get married. I have no problem with that but he would never have kids out of marriage (his mam would kill him :o0 ). He always knew what he was getting into and we were comfortable discussing it from word go. I have an ex-work colleague who wouldn't/couldn't discuss it with her bf for years so never knew what his long term plans were. I couldn't deal with that.
paperclips Posts: 3146
We were together 3 months and we both knew that marriage was where we were heading. Long before we were engaged we discussed our future, where we were headed, what we both wanted, family etc. I always knew that DH wanted to marry me so I never needed that assurance and vice versa. However on the day that he proposed it came as a massive surprise. He had picked a thursday, nothing special was happening on that day, he lead me to believe that we were doing something which was a complete disguise for his plan to propose. I think i was shocked because I always thought I would know when he was going to propose, I thought he would give it away by his demeanour iykwim, so when he did propose I couldnt believe he had put together this amazing proposal and I didnt have a clue. I do think that there are couples who dont talk openly about their future and that many girls (in particular) dont have a clue where they stand in their relationship because they are afraid to approach the subject with their partner for fear that they might scare them off, or learn that they are on two different pages in respect of their relationship. I do feel for girls when I see posts wondering if their OH will ever propose or how can they "push" their OH into proposing.
wollymalta Posts: 168
God no I was terrible I still get stick of my hubbys friends because I told him on the second date that I had a ring picked haha. In saying that we fell for each other very quickly I moved into his rental apartment within 5 weeks within nine months we had bought together and on our second year together we got engaged and then 18 months later I married and we are now married a year and a half but only a couple 5 and a bit years haha. I'm not the sort to let things as major as buying a place or getting married be left to him to decide its the right time [b:1gufc893]WE ARE A COUPLE[/b:1gufc893]
highbeam Posts: 2578
We were together 6 years when he asked me. I was 21 when we met so there was no big rush at the beginning, I suppose when we moved in together and passed the 4 and then 5 year mark it was talked about a lot more and what we wanted from the future. It was important to me to know he wanted a similar future to me, to get married and have a family. Then he got me a dog to keep me hushed for another while! :o0 I was never afraid to mention it and he talked about it too even from very early on. We got engaged this year and I wasnt expecting it at all. Think I had decided myself it wasnt going to happen for another while and he completely surprised me. I dont think women are helpless to be in a long term relationship and waiting for their partner to ask them. But I dont buy this "Im not ready to get married for another 3 years." I think thats rubbish, how do you know you'll be ready in 3 years, what will have changed by then? Unless there is some practical reason, if you're relationship is good and strong and its where you are headed then there shouldnt be a list of excuses not to get married. There is the practical side to it too, money, health, jobs, timing, sometimes other things crop up and things get pushed back. I know a few of my friends who came from homes where they're parents are separated are a lot more reluctant to make the leap to marriage. Everyones situation is different but women shouldnt be afraid to talk about what they want in their relationship and Im sure it is the same for men sometimes. My OH's cousin said No the first two times her long term partner asked her to marry him. For me I had to know we were heading down the same path. I dont think I would have been able to live in limbo for too long.
zoesmama Posts: 2774
I went out with a guy before DH for a number of years. For me I wanted marriage and kids but he didn't so we broke up. He took his time telling me this mind you but once he did and he said he meant it then it was a dealbreaker for me. He was from home and our parents all knew each other and had fully expected us to get married so they were pretty upset when it ended. With DH we knew after a v short time that that was if for us - we both wanted the same things - marriage and kids in that order. DH did propose but we had talked about it first. But I know couples who went out for years and years and then broke up because they didn't want the same things anymore. I also have a friend who went out with her DH and they married but she then told me they had never talked about having kids before they got married and she didn't know if he wanted them or not. He obviously did as they have a little girl now and are v happy.
anoncb Posts: 379
[quote="ReginaFalange":2ce41ggg]Girls have we not moved on from the days of sitting around waiting and hoping for our men folk to pop the question? The amount of threads I read in the relationship forum from women who really want to get married, have been with their partners for a long time and are just sitting around getting more and more frustrated waiting on their OH’s to pop the question. Some are even afraid to bring up the subject as it might anger their OH’s. I don’t get this at all. Are we not equals? Are we really so unevenly matched in our relationships that we have to sit around like meek helpless mice hoping that the men folk will finally make honest women of us? What do ye think? Are you/were you afraid to talk about this with your DH? Were you left waiting for that question for years simply because he wouldn’t ask or wouldn’t discuss the topic?[/quote:2ce41ggg] +1 have we not moved on in all these years :\
pinkerbelle10 Posts: 705
I would consider myself quite strong about what I want, but I spent a few years with someone playing the waiting game - I did bring up the future and it always ended in tears and no further on. However, I was kind of 'led up the garden path' so to speak! To cut a long story short - one day I just walked. and it was without doubt the best thing I ever did. I just dont get why one person should hold all the 'strings' in the relationship. He was absolutely not the right person for me - but of course I couldnt see that til I left! Then I met DH - and it was like BOOM - just like I always imagined finding the love of my life would be. Proposal took me totally by surpise - theres nothing like the feeling of knowing someone really wants you (as opposed to someone you have to walk on egg shells around about the future) and who you really want too. Without doubt, I would say to anyone waiting and afraid to mention it - to ask themselves should they not have a say in their own future? Thats the way I felt. And Im so glad I stood up for myself as doing so led me to my fantastic dh and our wonderful life together. (I know I sound like a sap, but when you have gone through rejection etc, it really makes you appreciate a good thing when you have it!)