Tash Marie Willis
So the fiancé and I just had a huge fight about our honeymoon. He said as he would be paying for most of the wedding and I would be planning it the way I want then he can choose where we go. Fair enough. He's chosen Las Vegas. We have both been before and love it there. So I was happy. However we have just found out that my bridesmaid is going next May/June for her 30th and wants all of us to go. We were going to honeymoon in July. 5 months after our wedding. I suggested that we honeymoon at the same time all my besties will be over there and I could meet up with them for one night for the birthday celebrations. Fiance has just decided that he is not okay with that and wants to change our honeymoon back to July which means I wouldn't be able to go to her 30th. We live in NZ so I can't make 2 trips in 2 months. Impossible. I'm quite upset that I will miss out on this and explained that we would still have our honeymoon to ourselves. We would just meet them for a night to celebrate my friends 30th. He has put his foot down and said if I go it would tarnish the whole honeymoon and thinks I am being quite selfish. I don't know who is right as at this stage they will all go over for a holiday without me and then we will be going a month or two later just so they won't all be there.
I'm also upset as I would rather go somewhere we haven't been before and the only reason I was happy to back to Las Vegas was because he was paying for the big wedding and I would be getting the wedding I've always dreamed of. Now we have found out our families will be paying for half of the wedding and my fiancé is having a lot of say in organising things to the point where we argue about details like invites etc as he has decided he would like a choice in everything. The whole thing is stressing me out.
Am I being unreasonable to time our honeymoon with their trip so I don't get to miss out on my friends 30th celebration. Las Vegas is a long way and an expensive trip so it made sense to me to time it at the same time and only see them for one night.
There's 2 points to this - the Vegas trip honeymoon/girls holiday
Yes I think you are being unreasonable, he obviously wants the honeymoon to be just the two of you's, life is so busy, couples barely get time together. Think of it the other way round, if you had planned a lovely holiday to Vegas and all his lad mates went on a holiday there and your partner wanted to spend time with them, got to bars etc. I cant image most women would be happy with that. Your partner doesn't want to hang around a gaggle of women on a girls holiday.
So what if its a friends 30th, you'll miss it, big deal, your an adult, have a night out when she's back.
Secondly arguing about the wedding planning
It comes across that you assumed you would get to decide everything to do with the wedding and that hasn't transpired, could you's sit down and pick certain things that each person gets the final say on? Like if there's stuff he is adamant about let him have them and stuff you are adamant about you have them. Make a list and split up the main things, hopefully that will help. Weddings are stressful its just the way it goes, if its too much for you maybe opt for something small just the family and cut out all the crap that you are fighting over.
Hey Tash, I can't say that I fully agree with maybride that you're being unreasonable.
Is there more to this than meets the eye? As in:
1) does your fiancé like your friends?
2) Is you level of interest in wedding planning causing your fiancé to feel irritated / left out / unconsidered?
I totally understand that maybe when first confronted with going on honeymoon and spending time with your spouse's friends, the first reaction might be to feel a bit unimportant, but surely after going away and thinking about it, anyone would realise that it's only 1 day/night out of what.. 7?
Admittedly, if it's just female friends, or if it was just his male friends, the chances are that neither of you would jump for joy at the thought of it initially but then once the time comes and everyone's had a few drinks, everyone is in great form and delighted.
Having said that, you really have to keep in mind that you had your holiday planned for July all along, so I guess for him to see you suddenly want to turn your honeymoon plans on their head in order to accommodate your friends, it could be a bit disheartening for him. I can understand if he feels like you're trying to suit yourself and your friends more than him. Would your friends travel in July instead?
As regards the planning of the wedding - I am a bit puzzled to be honest. Would you say that he'd always have wanted to have input in planning one, hypothetically? I know for sure that my husband would never have cared or wanted to be involved, it was a chore to get him to decide on anything so I did just carry on and get things done without much input from him, every now and then I just told him what I'd done and he'd smile and say "yeah, grand!", and I think that's a pretty normal wedding planning experience for a lot of couples, so what I'm asking is, would he be the type who'd want to be involved, or is his involvement coming all of a sudden, in which case, are you going a bit OTT with things and driving him to intervene? Or is there a power struggle going on between ye?
I suppose it can be stressful organising a wedding, depending on what kind of personality you have, but to be honest, it shouldn't really be fraught with problems at this stage in your timeline - I got married during the summer and a year prior the only stress was from deciding on bands, food, venue etc, and then in the weeks before the wedding, there was hassle over RSVPs and table plans. Yes there was also stress from family members getting involved when they shouldn't have, but other than that, I don't honestly see why it should cause couples to fall out. I know it's a cliche but communication and compromise is what it's all about - both the wedding and a relationship in general.
Tash Marie Willis
Thanks for the feedback!
I can see where he is coming from. Absolutely. The thing is, if he had his best friend in the same country for one night for a birthday celebration, I would have no problem letting him celebrate that with his friends. I guess that's what surprised me about his reaction as we aren't the type of people to let the little things get to us. But I guess this is a big deal to him. That we don't see anyone else on our honeymoon.
It's going to be hard for me to tell my friends that I won't be able to go at the same time as fiancé doesn't want me to see them but I do understand where he's coming from. He gets along great with them and my sister will be going too who he is close with. I guess I'm just surprised he feels so strongly as coming from New Zealand, going out in Vegas with all your best friends really is a once in a lifetime thing.
In regards to the wedding planning, I'm surprised he wants so much input as when we were discussing the wedding he said he would be happy for something very small but we can have a bigger wedding if that's what I wanted. Now all of a sudden he wants to have a say in everything. Not that's a bad thing, I just can't say I like his taste. He is happy with cheap food, photographer etc where as I want something a bit nicer and he's worried about the cost. A bit of the stress has been lifted now that we have help from our families so hopefully no more arguments!
I just neee to remember that at the end of the day I'm marrying my best friend and all the little details shouldn't be a big deal.
At the risk of offending you or sounding critical, it does seem a bit of a coincidence that he was supposed to be funding the majority of the wedding and now he wants what you regard as "cheaper" food & suppliers, whereas you're not happy with that.. maybe the wedding is turning into more of a financial burden than he was willing to shoulder?
I only raise the point because as we all know, if we are pissed off over one thing, it can result in us digging our heels in about other things just because we feel a bit unappreciated, so maybe if there was a discussion about budget and he saw that you were happy to make some cut backs, he might feel a bit better in general and who knows what he'd do in return!!