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Wedding in Germany - culture clash? Cranky FiL

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foreignbride Posts: 29
I need to let off some steam indeed. My boyfriend and I were going out for nearly 8 years : We eventually got engaged over Xmas 2004 in Germany. Everybody on both sides was absolutely delighted. :D A few days later when discussing the plans with his parents something weird happened: We were just about to explain how we are going to do the wedding: A big traditional party called Polterabend (usually outside or in a barn or so, hen & stag together') and a very small (only closest family) civil wedding (which you have to do legally) in September, big church wedding in April 2006. - His father got up and stormed out and has not talked to us since??? :shock: I am very upset and am not supposed to talk to his family about it and don't want to talk to mine so they don't get the wrong impression about his family? Any ideas?
Mrs O'Neill Posts: 417
Maybe he wanted the wedding to be in Ireland? Just out of curiousity, why are you having such a big gap between the civil and the religious ceremonies?
foreignbride Posts: 29
Really have no idea. We did it in Germany partly for their benefit because then they would not have to help us "babysit" the German relations. I had a funny feeling it was when he heard the word registry office that he thought we did not want to go to church! We had it booked already! But he did not even hear us out, this was what annoyed me most! I would have preferred to be listened to first and then to be bombarded with questions if things were not clear. Now we can tiptoe around and try and make another attempt to talk to him. What about MY feelings? Big gap is because Polterabend is going to be done in my parents garden, so September is still o.k .weatherwise. Church in April is literally as early as we can afford it moneywise. That's all! And we really don't want to push it any further into 2006....Have waited long enough!
Mrs O'Neill Posts: 417
Is he elderly? I'd say your right about hearing the dreaded words "registry office" and freaking out! Just talk to your fmil and tell her the story about the legalities of marriage in Germany and that you have to do both and if he's still not talking to you just leave him get over himself and have fun planning your wedding :-)
SummerDays Posts: 665
I think you need to get your H2B and youself and sit down with him and discuss what the problem is I have already seen some interesting reactions to our mixed nationality marriage. Its funny what some thing you have always thought of as normal doesnt seem so normal to someone from another country. H2B and I have already had a couple of interesting animated discussions Hope it all goes well for you!
Mrs. Niamh Posts: 166
Firstly, congratulations to you! Have you explained to this man that it is a legal requirement that you have a civil ceremony in Germany? If so what is his problem, particularly since you are having the church ceremony anyway? Whether he is old fashioned or not, I really do not see how you could possibly have offended him, as it appears that you have done everything 'right' to please any parent. Is the fact that it won't be in Ireland? If that's the case I don't understand, as it's 'tradition' here that the wedding takes place in the bride's home place. What does your h2b think is the problem? Has he spoken to his parents since?
spcrane Posts: 18
This is very strange that he reacted in such a way. I have been to several German weddings and it is my understanding that the civil ceremony is what is always done there. A church wedding is considered extra. His father is German, right? Someone needs to talk to him - this should not be going on this long.
foreignbride Posts: 29
Thanks heaps, you all. I was so frustrated! What a bad start. But it turns out it was all a fuzz over nothing. Appearently he had something on his mind and just got up and went out to do it not realising that his son was about to tell him about the wedding and also not realising that he upset everybody. He can be very absentminded sometimes. So everything is hunkydory now and I can get on with planning our wedding in my hometown in Germany - so glad! When we were over for Christmas I intended to show a few venues and churches to H2B but we managed to already book a lovely 4*country hotel (100 Euro for reception/6 courses & all drinks 4 the night! Try that in Ireland!)and a little monastery chapel for April 2006! I am so delighted that went so smoothely. Now comes all the paperwork, translations etc.... Good luck, you all! I am so happy I can dive into 2 different wedding traditions and pick and mix the best of both!
Mrs. Niamh Posts: 166
That's great, I'm glad to hear everything's fine, and you can now look forward. Also, your plans sound great and count your lucky stars you're not wasting your money in this country! Well done, and best of luck with it all.
Mrs O'Neill Posts: 417
That's great that its all sorted out!! Have fun with all the planning!!
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